Monday, 9 May 2011

The Irony of Being Needy

Email to Haley, from Kevin; March 12, 2011

Thats terrific news Haley, all of the bits you gave me!

Linda was a marathoner before she broke her ankle 18 months ago..I started to run (?) the dog a month or so ago to save some time and get more exercise. I don't consider myself a runner as I was a hockey goaltender until I was 35 so my knees are 'well used', probably people who see me say, "woah check out that guy, he looks in pain!"...though I'm happy with it because its a 15 or 20 minute pickup every morning as I take Danny around 5:00 am.

I've heard of the home performances but haven't been to one, I love music so I'm sure it would be great for me.

-17 is tough. My hobby is motorcycling and one of the reasons I love living here is I can ride year round, sometimes its wet and cold, but I will ride anyway. In half an hour I'm going to go for 90 minutes or so, its only 8 degrees but any ride is better than no ride!


Have a great weekend Haley,


Email to Kevin, from Haley; March 13, 2011

A visit to the gym turned into a 3 hour nap. I guess I'm more tired than I thought! I think an emotional roller coaster can be way more tiring than a 6:00 a.m. visit to my trainer.

I started 'running' last summer, if you call it that. I'm still very slow. I max out at about 13min before I need to walk a minute.

This morning we're going to church. We usually go every Sunday but sometimes I skip because it's a bit tougher to attend the church you work for.

Nick's Dad is a pastor. They live in MB right now, but Nick grew up mostly in the Calgary and Edmonton areas. His one burning question for you is are you an Oilers fan? I should interject that when we were first dating, I had no idea he liked the Stampeders and the Flames. Made for a very awkward viewing of a western conference CFL final. But I have since converted him to the Eskimos and Oilers side. He claims it wasn't me but instead "time" that converted him. Sounds suspicious to me.

Do you go on many family vacations? We try and take a big trip every other year. Last year we went to the Maritimes and it was amazing. This year going to visit Daniel is a bit of an exception to our every 2 years rule; we're excited that we'll have him as our tour guide.

How did Linda break her ankle? That's a pretty devastating injury. Sounds like she loved to run!

Great emailing back and forth with you. I hope it's not too often. Nick told me I didn't have to email back immediately and it hadn't even occured to me to wait a bit before replying. It doesn't help that I'm an iPhone addict. Sorry if it's been too much! I guess I just have 27 years to catch up on.



Gosh I can be needy. I think it's driven by a fear of rejection. Which is ironic, because needy people are often rejected for being so high maintenance. I know because I have rejected a few people in my time for displaying the same characteristics that I am now displaying. It's embarrassing, yet I'm afraid I can't help it. I think Nick is a bit concerned about the frequency of my contact...and while I appreciate that he's trying to protect me, it's kind of like fighting a losing battle.

Sometimes in my elusive high-self-esteem moments I think I can be quite witty and charming; that's the "how could anyone not love me?" mode. But the majority of my time is not spent there. Instead I frequent the other much less glamorous, self-deprecating and inadequate mode. I used to live exclusively in this area of my mind, but thankfully God is revealing how He sees me. Little by little I allow myself glimpses of the Haley that He treasures.

Which Haley am I in my emails to Kevin? How will he see me? I know that I have people in my life that love me and accept me as I am, but will he?


  1. I know EXACTLY what that's like. I still have to hold back from emailing back the second I get an email from my biological father. When I was in contact with my biological mother, it was more of the same. Now, I write back right away, but then save to drafts rather than sending it. I wait a few days and reread it before I send it back. I talk to him on the phone so email isn't as important, but it's so hard not to wait :-)

  2. Jenn, I so appreciate you sharing. It's amazing to find someone that can identify with what I'm going through! Thank you :)