Email to Haley, from Kevin; March 14, 2011
Hi Haley,
13 minutes seems preety good to me, I can barely make it two blocks without a rest! I will take heart that can make it up to 13 minutes if I keep at it.
Linda and I lived in Manitoba for three years in the late 90s, we moved there for my work. We really liked it, except the winter weather, it makes Edmonton look like Vancouver! Both Daniel and Amy were born there, we bought our first house there, and we made some wonderful friends, the people were unbelievable! Really warm and welcoming.
(....)
I'm totally ok with how we've been e-mailing, we're getting to know each other.. :) Feel free to reply however you like, I do both, right away or wait, depending...
Oilers / Eskimos, automatic! As we've moved around a bit I've learned over the years to cheer for the home team, so today it would be the Canucks, unless they're playing the Oilers. Ditto for football. (...)
Our annual vacation tends to be the one I mentioned in Jasper with Linda's family. Kind of low key, but we all enjoy it as we spend the whole time together doing hiking, biking, fishing, lots and lots of fun. I've been fortunate to travel a bit with work and I'm learning to stay an extra day or two to see the local sights.
(...)
Have a great day Haley. Have fun!
Kevin
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Email to Kevin, from Haley; March 14, 2011
Today's my day off so I'm going to clean a bit, meet a friend for lunch and maybe cook some freezer meals. I love to cook. Nick likes to eat what I cook :) but he does take a turn in the kitchen every once and a while. He really loves to bbq even when it's -25. I think his cutoff is about -30.
I read through some of my adoption paperwork again, it says you knew Camille was pregnant, but did you ever know when I was born? I wondered if you knew I was a girl...
Maybe tomorrow I'll scan some of it and send it to you. I got the report in 2005. Alberta opened adoption records in the fall of 2004. After what happened with Camille, I didn't think I would ever look for you. But God stirred up a desire in my heart just in the last 6 months. I am in a Bible study group and we all had to share our "stories" with each other. Basically it's a life story where you try and look back and see what God's been up to in your life. While I was writing mine I noticed that empty space again so I decided to look for you. All I had was your name and I thought you probably had gone to school with Camille. So I tried Facebook. There's more than just one Kevin _________...but at the time your picture was you as a boy. I thought your smile looked a lot like mine when I was little. I knew in my heart, this is the one. So that's all I did. You're the only one I messaged and I didn't know what to write. High school seemed innocent enough...
(...)
Now all I can think about is when do we get to meet? If you have Skype sometime this week we could book a time (...)
Is it ok if I write something to your family to share with them?
Blessings,
Haley
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The emails are getting longer now, there's lots more 'life stuff'. It's so good. Yet so completely nerve-wracking! Every time I hit send, I think, should I have been less _______, more _______... should I have said ____________, instead of ____________. Ahh, second-guessing. You're a real cross to bear.
I wondered if it's because I'm a woman, an adoptee, or if it's just me. It's so validating reading some other reunion blogs, because they share the same feelings! Fear, fear, fear. Anxiety vs anger. Regret and shame. Brief flashes of joy.
The joyful moments seem to be the most fleeting. It's really unfair. I get butterflies when I see the email is from him. I open it, it's wonderful, full of new information and interest in me...then in comes the anxiety. What am I going to write back? Did I read that right? I hope he didn't think __________ when I said _________. Then I write the reply. Re-read it, rinse, repeat, and again. Hit send at a weak moment. Then I have to wait with the fear in the pit of my stomach. When will he write back? Will he write back? Or was that the last email. The last time I'll ever hear from him.
It's a shame the joy can't last longer. Maybe it can push some of this fear away next time it shows up.
I just found my biological father and added another whole family into my life. Journey with us as we build a relationship.
*Make sure you read oldest to newest, it makes more sense that way. I've changed or may withhold some names and places to protect the privacy of the ones I love.
I understand some of your fears from the side of a birthmother in reunion. My daughter and I were sending messages daily and when the first day came that she didn't write me I knew that I would never hear from her again. I was crying and so sad. It does get easier. Well, it did for me, but the fear hasn't gone away. It gets a little less and a little easier to wait for the next message or communication from her.
ReplyDelete@birthmothertalks It's nice to know that I'm not the only one :) and to hear about it from your perspective is interesting too. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteYou are very welcome.
ReplyDeleteI do the same thing! I rewrite entire emails sometimes because I don't know how he'll take it. I always feel like I'm holding my breath in between emails and phone calls. I will say that the fear is a little less now, after half a year. So maybe things will get keep getting better? One can hope right?
ReplyDeleteWhat an excellent blog. I am so glad I saw your link today. I pray your journey continues smoothly. Love, Becky
ReplyDeleteI think a lot of adoptees can identify with the way you feel :-)
ReplyDeleteWhen we're excited and value our relationship with someone, we want everything to work out and will worry and scrutinize what we've written or said to that person. I think we adoptees are a little harder on ourselves than others would be on themselves. Email poses an extra challenge because it's all in plain black and white--you hope they will get the emotion and meaning implied behind the words.
Things do get better :-)
@Jenn yes, "holding my breath in between emails" exactly the feeling.
ReplyDelete@Life with Kaishon Thank you for visiting!
@Amanda trying to be witty and charming via email...very difficult :)
I just found your blog thru birthmothertalks. So much of what you write is familiar ~ although I'm on the other side ~ I am in reunion with my son. He just turned 32, we have been in reunion for two years. If you find a way to completely get rid of the fear in reunion, let me know the secret!
ReplyDeleteI am so happy for both you and your dad! I look forward to reading more of your journey.
@Susie Thank you for reading our story! I wonder how much time it will take us to get rid of that fear...
ReplyDeleteI look forward to reading through your blog. Just glanced at the newest one, I'm sorry that you didn't get a call. Those special occasions can certainly heighten the pain I'm sure.