Second-Guessing

Email to Haley, from Kevin; March 14, 2011


Hi Haley,

13 minutes seems preety good to me, I can barely make it two blocks without a rest! I will take heart that can make it up to 13 minutes if I keep at it.

Linda and I lived in Manitoba for three years in the late 90s, we moved there for my work. We really liked it, except the winter weather, it makes Edmonton look like Vancouver! Both Daniel and Amy were born there, we bought our first house there, and we made some wonderful friends, the people were unbelievable! Really warm and welcoming.

(....)

I'm totally ok with how we've been e-mailing, we're getting to know each other.. :) Feel free to reply however you like, I do both, right away or wait, depending...

Oilers / Eskimos, automatic! As we've moved around a bit I've learned over the years to cheer for the home team, so today it would be the Canucks, unless they're playing the Oilers. Ditto for football. (...)

Our annual vacation tends to be the one I mentioned in Jasper with Linda's family. Kind of low key, but we all enjoy it as we spend the whole time together doing hiking, biking, fishing, lots and lots of fun. I've been fortunate to travel a bit with work and I'm learning to stay an extra day or two to see the local sights.

(...)

Have a great day Haley. Have fun!

Kevin
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Email to Kevin, from Haley; March 14, 2011


Today's my day off so I'm going to clean a bit, meet a friend for lunch and maybe cook some freezer meals. I love to cook. Nick likes to eat what I cook :) but he does take a turn in the kitchen every once and a while. He really loves to bbq even when it's -25. I think his cutoff is about -30.

I read through some of my adoption paperwork again, it says you knew Camille was pregnant, but did you ever know when I was born? I wondered if you knew I was a girl...

Maybe tomorrow I'll scan some of it and send it to you. I got the report in 2005. Alberta opened adoption records in the fall of 2004. After what happened with Camille, I didn't think I would ever look for you. But God stirred up a desire in my heart just in the last 6 months. I am in a Bible study group and we all had to share our "stories" with each other. Basically it's a life story where you try and look back and see what God's been up to in your life. While I was writing mine I noticed that empty space again so I decided to look for you. All I had was your name and I thought you probably had gone to school with Camille. So I tried Facebook. There's more than just one Kevin _________...but at the time your picture was you as a boy. I thought your smile looked a lot like mine when I was little. I knew in my heart, this is the one. So that's all I did. You're the only one I messaged and I didn't know what to write. High school seemed innocent enough...

(...)

Now all I can think about is when do we get to meet? If you have Skype sometime this week we could book a time (...)

Is it ok if I write something to your family to share with them?

Blessings,
Haley
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The emails are getting longer now, there's lots more 'life stuff'. It's so good. Yet so completely nerve-wracking! Every time I hit send, I think, should I have been less _______, more _______... should I have said ____________, instead of ____________. Ahh, second-guessing. You're a real cross to bear.

I wondered if it's because I'm a woman, an adoptee, or if it's just me. It's so validating reading some other reunion blogs, because they share the same feelings! Fear, fear, fear. Anxiety vs anger. Regret and shame. Brief flashes of joy.

The joyful moments seem to be the most fleeting. It's really unfair. I get butterflies when I see the email is from him. I open it, it's wonderful, full of new information and interest in me...then in comes the anxiety. What am I going to write back? Did I read that right? I hope he didn't think __________ when I said _________.  Then I write the reply. Re-read it, rinse, repeat, and again. Hit send at a weak moment. Then I have to wait with the fear in the pit of my stomach. When will he write back? Will he write back? Or was that the last email. The last time I'll ever hear from him.

It's a shame the joy can't last longer. Maybe it can push some of this fear away next time it shows up.

The Irony of Being Needy

Email to Haley, from Kevin; March 12, 2011

Thats terrific news Haley, all of the bits you gave me!

Linda was a marathoner before she broke her ankle 18 months ago..I started to run (?) the dog a month or so ago to save some time and get more exercise. I don't consider myself a runner as I was a hockey goaltender until I was 35 so my knees are 'well used', probably people who see me say, "woah check out that guy, he looks in pain!"...though I'm happy with it because its a 15 or 20 minute pickup every morning as I take Danny around 5:00 am.

I've heard of the home performances but haven't been to one, I love music so I'm sure it would be great for me.

-17 is tough. My hobby is motorcycling and one of the reasons I love living here is I can ride year round, sometimes its wet and cold, but I will ride anyway. In half an hour I'm going to go for 90 minutes or so, its only 8 degrees but any ride is better than no ride!

(...)

Have a great weekend Haley,

Kevin
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Email to Kevin, from Haley; March 13, 2011

A visit to the gym turned into a 3 hour nap. I guess I'm more tired than I thought! I think an emotional roller coaster can be way more tiring than a 6:00 a.m. visit to my trainer.

I started 'running' last summer, if you call it that. I'm still very slow. I max out at about 13min before I need to walk a minute.

This morning we're going to church. We usually go every Sunday but sometimes I skip because it's a bit tougher to attend the church you work for.

Nick's Dad is a pastor. They live in MB right now, but Nick grew up mostly in the Calgary and Edmonton areas. His one burning question for you is are you an Oilers fan? I should interject that when we were first dating, I had no idea he liked the Stampeders and the Flames. Made for a very awkward viewing of a western conference CFL final. But I have since converted him to the Eskimos and Oilers side. He claims it wasn't me but instead "time" that converted him. Sounds suspicious to me.

Do you go on many family vacations? We try and take a big trip every other year. Last year we went to the Maritimes and it was amazing. This year going to visit Daniel is a bit of an exception to our every 2 years rule; we're excited that we'll have him as our tour guide.

How did Linda break her ankle? That's a pretty devastating injury. Sounds like she loved to run!

Great emailing back and forth with you. I hope it's not too often. Nick told me I didn't have to email back immediately and it hadn't even occured to me to wait a bit before replying. It doesn't help that I'm an iPhone addict. Sorry if it's been too much! I guess I just have 27 years to catch up on.

Blessings,
Haley
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Gosh I can be needy. I think it's driven by a fear of rejection. Which is ironic, because needy people are often rejected for being so high maintenance. I know because I have rejected a few people in my time for displaying the same characteristics that I am now displaying. It's embarrassing, yet I'm afraid I can't help it. I think Nick is a bit concerned about the frequency of my contact...and while I appreciate that he's trying to protect me, it's kind of like fighting a losing battle.

Sometimes in my elusive high-self-esteem moments I think I can be quite witty and charming; that's the "how could anyone not love me?" mode. But the majority of my time is not spent there. Instead I frequent the other much less glamorous, self-deprecating and inadequate mode. I used to live exclusively in this area of my mind, but thankfully God is revealing how He sees me. Little by little I allow myself glimpses of the Haley that He treasures.

Which Haley am I in my emails to Kevin? How will he see me? I know that I have people in my life that love me and accept me as I am, but will he?