I carry around a lot of great luggage.
Trust me, my favourite suitcase is this beautiful glossy-cherry-red. It's hard-sided, spins like a dream and it is completely 'me'. I have a Miche purse (gift from my mother-in-law), which is wonderfully versatile (and I really should start selling them based on the sheer number of people who have purchased them after seeing mine). I also have my favourite lunch-book-shopping-whatever bag that is covered with sunflowers (another gift from my mother-in-law; she knows my taste!).
I think I have great luggage because I have become very adept at carrying around loads of emotional baggage. I can do this with great ease now, most likely because I have so much practice at disguising ugly things and calling them alluring names.
Please take a look at this leather valise and meet Camille. She's my biological mother, and has rejected me again as an adult. I don't always remember to bring her with me, but most of the time I have her sitting next to the desk in my office; at home she sits in the front closet except for nights when sleep is particularly troublesome, then she's tucked beside my nightstand.
The next one is a real bother to carry around I'm afraid, would you lift that end for me? This very heavy trunk has been with me all my 27 years. I'll admit, it's a little bit '80s' but, it was born in 1983 after all. The big sticker slapped across the front "You're Adopted! And Therefore Different". I used to showcase this trunk as a bit of a trophy when I was in elementary school. I reveled in being unique. But sometimes it would be nice to be able to blend in a bit. Hard to do when you're carrying around a trunk all the time, although it is a handy place to sit when you're waiting for a bus.
This one is particularly heavy, I know it's deceivingly small. A tiny white box, just about exactly the size you may keep an engagement ring in, until the time is right. This box doesn't carry a diamond. I'm not sure of the contents, only that every few weeks it opens up on its own and I become completely flooded with emotions. I haven't been able to put my finger on what opens this box of its own accord, sure would be nice to find the trigger someday.
That's it for the today's tour. I do however have a huge walk-in closet, that contains many boxes, old purses, suitcases, even a few briefcases. Maybe I'll show you some more of them another day.
I just found my biological father and added another whole family into my life. Journey with us as we build a relationship.
*Make sure you read oldest to newest, it makes more sense that way. I've changed or may withhold some names and places to protect the privacy of the ones I love.
Showing posts with label Mother. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mother. Show all posts
Friday, 8 July 2011
Thursday, 7 July 2011
Our First Phone Call
Linda has agreed to allow me to share her thoughts about our first phone call.
I really wanted to talk with you because I am quite shy and I wanted you to be comfortable for our first visit. I assumed that talking with you would help you and I overcome the initial awkwardness of meeting new people. I was also feeling quite left out by this time...you and Kevin were corresponding quite regularly (many times a day in fact) and the kids and you were doing the same. It was during this period of the reunion that I felt sure that I was never going to be loved by you and that the "division" in my family was sure to come. My feelings were all over the map. I was experiencing anxiety like I have only ever heard about. My mantra was "Dear God, help me".
The time was here that I would need to pick up the phone and talk with you. "Dear God, Your will be done in this call...help me, help us." I don' t really remember what we talked about but I do remember hanging up the phone and feeling a calm and tranquility that I had not felt previously. I had made another step in welcoming you into our family. God was pleased.
Looking back...lots of pain but I had the definite assurance that God wanted this. What could I do...deny God? He was asking me to accept my husband's daughter. How could I say no? What could I have done differently? Hindsight tells me that had I not accepted you, I would have caused division in my family.
Linda
I remember before our call I was terribly nervous. I'm shy, you're shy...are we going to sit in silence for ten minutes before one of us has enough courage to speak? You called at exactly the time you said you would, and when I answered I was stunned. You're not shy on the phone! In fact, you're quite chatty, and it was great. You were completely friendly, welcoming, just lovely. After we hung up, I was so disappointed our call was over. I could have talked with you for a few hours. I'm so glad the anxiety was gone. I too felt at peace.
Haley
I really wanted to talk with you because I am quite shy and I wanted you to be comfortable for our first visit. I assumed that talking with you would help you and I overcome the initial awkwardness of meeting new people. I was also feeling quite left out by this time...you and Kevin were corresponding quite regularly (many times a day in fact) and the kids and you were doing the same. It was during this period of the reunion that I felt sure that I was never going to be loved by you and that the "division" in my family was sure to come. My feelings were all over the map. I was experiencing anxiety like I have only ever heard about. My mantra was "Dear God, help me".
The time was here that I would need to pick up the phone and talk with you. "Dear God, Your will be done in this call...help me, help us." I don' t really remember what we talked about but I do remember hanging up the phone and feeling a calm and tranquility that I had not felt previously. I had made another step in welcoming you into our family. God was pleased.
Looking back...lots of pain but I had the definite assurance that God wanted this. What could I do...deny God? He was asking me to accept my husband's daughter. How could I say no? What could I have done differently? Hindsight tells me that had I not accepted you, I would have caused division in my family.
Linda
I remember before our call I was terribly nervous. I'm shy, you're shy...are we going to sit in silence for ten minutes before one of us has enough courage to speak? You called at exactly the time you said you would, and when I answered I was stunned. You're not shy on the phone! In fact, you're quite chatty, and it was great. You were completely friendly, welcoming, just lovely. After we hung up, I was so disappointed our call was over. I could have talked with you for a few hours. I'm so glad the anxiety was gone. I too felt at peace.
Haley
Tuesday, 5 July 2011
A city on a hill
Email to Haley, from Linda; March 23, 2011
I too wear my heart on sleeve!
We would love to have you come to Mass with us. Initially, when the plan was that you would come on Easter, Daniel wondered which church you would go to. Our piano teacher is Baptist so we thought we would ask her the service times etc. Most people wear casual wear, jeans etc. The girls and I wear dresses (but that is not unusual for me since I mainly only wear skirts). Do you and Nick go to Bible Study? Is Nick's Dad a Baptist minister? (...) Whew, so many questions :)
I will call you on Thursday evening. Over time, phone calls will be a piece of cake. (...)
Haley, would you be able to send us a picture of your parents? I would love to know what they look like (I am a very visual person). When I saw the pics of you, my heart melted. The one where you are wearing your graduation gown seemed to tell me that you were a gentle, loving soul!
Hope you have a great day!
Blessings,
Linda
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We would love to have you come to Mass with us. Initially, when the plan was that you would come on Easter, Daniel wondered which church you would go to. Our piano teacher is Baptist so we thought we would ask her the service times etc. Most people wear casual wear, jeans etc. The girls and I wear dresses (but that is not unusual for me since I mainly only wear skirts). Do you and Nick go to Bible Study? Is Nick's Dad a Baptist minister? (...) Whew, so many questions :)
I will call you on Thursday evening. Over time, phone calls will be a piece of cake. (...)
Haley, would you be able to send us a picture of your parents? I would love to know what they look like (I am a very visual person). When I saw the pics of you, my heart melted. The one where you are wearing your graduation gown seemed to tell me that you were a gentle, loving soul!
Hope you have a great day!
Blessings,
Linda
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Email to Linda, from Haley; March 23, 2011
I think I've only been to Mass once or twice. I went in Jasper one time when we were there on a family trip. It was a world religions class assignment! It was different than what I'm used to :) I remember being confused about when to stand, sit, what to say/sing...I needed someone to show me!
Nick and I do attend a Bible study. We go every Tuesday night, and we really enjoy it. We led a Bible study group ourselves for a few years (we call them small groups). This year we're doing a program called Focus 3, and it's a leadership development Bible study course. One of our assignments was to write our life story and see where God's hand has been on each aspect of our lives. Writing that was what actually led me to decided to search for Kevin.
Yes Nick's dad is a Baptist pastor. Nick grew up very Baptist. (...) I'm not too concerned about denominations. I'm more concerned with people actually finding out who Jesus is and wanting a personal relationship with Him. In my opinion, no church has sole claim on that.
This picture of my parents is from last May; we went to visit them for their 40th wedding anniversary.
I look forward to your call!
Blessings,
Haley
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So strange talking about faith and church via email. It's not usually something I talk about with, for all intents and purposes, strangers. Amazingly, it's not as awkward as I thought it would be. Faith is a huge part of my life, and obviously of Linda's as well. Glad that isn't going to be a stumbling point for us.
Sending her a picture of my parents...now that was a delicate decision. It's not like I think my parents will be running into them at the supermarket; they do live about four hours apart. It still felt like I was giving up some sacred information. I certainly considered declining Linda's request. I can't put my finger on why it made me uncomfortable. In the end, I decided it would be more honouring to my parents to share their photo, than to hide them away. Just as I choose to keep my city on a hill and reveal my faith in Jesus, I will share my parents with Linda. I know it's only a photo...but somehow it represents more than that.
Sunday, 3 July 2011
Reunion; Take Two
I haven't heard from my biological mother, Camille, in about five and a half years. I sent her flowers a few weeks ago. A bouquet of gerber daisies, if you're curious. I remember when I visited her home, on our very first meeting, she had gerber daisies out on her dining room table. They are one of my favourite flowers, so naturally I commented on them. Camille told me they were her favourite. Funny how I vividly remember those flowers, and yet everything else from that night is a blur.
Why on earth would I subject myself to further rejection? I'm not sure. Perhaps I'm just a sucker for punishment. Or hopelessly optimistic...
Dear Camille,
I’m not writing to bring back bad memories, though I’m sure I have even by having my name on the outside of this envelope...instead I just want you to know that I’m still here. I’ve grown up a bit more, have a few more years behind me, a few more grey hairs, and a bit more life experience to know that I should have been a lot kinder and more gracious in our first reunion.
I hope you are doing well. I think of you often, and wonder how life has been to you these last few years. I’ll be turning 28 in a couple of months. Wow time flies. Life’s too short for me not to give this relationship another try.
Lesson learned for next time: slower is better. I still can’t believe we met on the very first night! So much for my impulsive teenager-like tendencies! I promise I’ve grown up past that, well, mostly!
Let me just close with, I’m still here. Still interested in knowing you.
Why on earth would I subject myself to further rejection? I'm not sure. Perhaps I'm just a sucker for punishment. Or hopelessly optimistic...
Dear Camille,
I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately and felt compelled to write to you. I’m so sorry that our first reunion didn’t work out. It was very difficult for everyone involved, but I can’t help think it was hardest on you.
You’re the one with the painful memories of a teenage mother, who seemingly had no choices. You’re the one with hurts as an adult of probably the worst timing for a reunion, when you were trying to start your own family. It makes me cry just to think of this sorrow that I brought back up to the surface for you. I know sorry isn’t a big enough word, but it’s all I can give.
You’re the one with the painful memories of a teenage mother, who seemingly had no choices. You’re the one with hurts as an adult of probably the worst timing for a reunion, when you were trying to start your own family. It makes me cry just to think of this sorrow that I brought back up to the surface for you. I know sorry isn’t a big enough word, but it’s all I can give.
I’m not writing to bring back bad memories, though I’m sure I have even by having my name on the outside of this envelope...instead I just want you to know that I’m still here. I’ve grown up a bit more, have a few more years behind me, a few more grey hairs, and a bit more life experience to know that I should have been a lot kinder and more gracious in our first reunion.
I hope you are doing well. I think of you often, and wonder how life has been to you these last few years. I’ll be turning 28 in a couple of months. Wow time flies. Life’s too short for me not to give this relationship another try.
Lesson learned for next time: slower is better. I still can’t believe we met on the very first night! So much for my impulsive teenager-like tendencies! I promise I’ve grown up past that, well, mostly!
Let me just close with, I’m still here. Still interested in knowing you.
Haley
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It's been a few weeks now. Still haven't heard anything from her. If I'm very honest with you, I'm not surprised. Disappointed? Hmmmm, mildly. But I have many people in my life that love me, care about me, actually want to invest time in me. I can't get hung up on the one that doesn't. Well, I could, but I'll try not to...
Friday, 1 July 2011
To fake or not to fake
Email to Linda, from Haley; March 22, 2011
Hi Linda,
I often wear my heart on my sleeve, so if I express emotions I hope that doesn't scare you! I just try and be really honest about what my reality is. I never want to be the kind of Christian that pastes on a happy face and gives the impression that following Christ is a cakewalk. That's my reasoning behind the 'heart on my sleeve' mentality :)
I appreciate very much the fact that you are all trying to be very sensitive to me. I'm probably a handful to keep up with! I know that one email I sent to Kevin was probably not as sensitive as it could have been, but he was so gracious about it. I know I don't always have the censor that I probably need to have, so I hope you're ok with telling me when things are too much as well. (...)
Linda, I'd be delighted to chat with you on the phone. I'm sure Kevin probably told you about our phone call, but it was soooo much better than skype, and much less awkward. There's just something about one-on-one that's better for me too. I can definitely be shy and I especially don't like large groups, so I think a phone call would be great. (...)
Hope you have a great day! I look forward to our chat!
Blessings, Haley
I often wear my heart on my sleeve, so if I express emotions I hope that doesn't scare you! I just try and be really honest about what my reality is. I never want to be the kind of Christian that pastes on a happy face and gives the impression that following Christ is a cakewalk. That's my reasoning behind the 'heart on my sleeve' mentality :)
I appreciate very much the fact that you are all trying to be very sensitive to me. I'm probably a handful to keep up with! I know that one email I sent to Kevin was probably not as sensitive as it could have been, but he was so gracious about it. I know I don't always have the censor that I probably need to have, so I hope you're ok with telling me when things are too much as well. (...)
I don't really know too much about Catholicism, so feel free to educate me! I'm very interested in learning more about what you believe. We would love to attend a service with you when we're out in April; I really want to see your church! Do you dress up when you go? Our church is pretty casual, so we often wear jeans.
Linda, I'd be delighted to chat with you on the phone. I'm sure Kevin probably told you about our phone call, but it was soooo much better than skype, and much less awkward. There's just something about one-on-one that's better for me too. I can definitely be shy and I especially don't like large groups, so I think a phone call would be great. (...)
Hope you have a great day! I look forward to our chat!
Blessings, Haley
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I can't decide what's harder. Living life pretending to be happy, or actually letting people see inside my heart. I've done both, and most of the time I think being authentic is the way to go. But sometimes, especially when I feel really vulnerable, I wish I could go back to pasting on a happy face. As much energy as putting on a facade takes, it feels like that might be easier than letting someone in to see the real me.
Though I would like to hide behind a smile, eventually it will come out that I'm just a broken girl. Desperate for healing, craving acceptance, thrilled that anyone would want to phone me even if it's just to find out what my favourite foods are.
Better to be the real me; I don't think I have the energy to fake it if I wanted to.
Thursday, 30 June 2011
Great Expectations
Email to Haley, from Linda; March 22, 2011
Dear Haley,
To begin, I want to tell you how relieved I am that you are feeling better. On Sunday, I spent an hour and a half writing you an e-mail only to have Kevin tell me not to send it! E-mails are really tough for me since we interpret them through our own lenses. So what I thought would be a warm and comforting letter for you, Kevin thought differently and said it may be too much! Oh well, soon we’ll have a face-to-face visit which I am really looking forward to! (...)
Kevin keeps telling me to keep the e-mails simple so I will follow his advice. I thought it would be nice to phone you and ask about the kinds of foods you and Nick like to eat. It would give us a chance to talk and to feel more comfortable with each other! (...) I love heart to heart, one-on-one talks! I certainly look forward to these talks with you (if you are willing) I can’t wait to hear all about you...every little detail!
In Christ,
Linda
PS In regards to one of your e-mails to Kev...Kevin is right...you can’t screw anything up! Haley we don’t have any expectations! It’s hard to disappoint people when they don’t expect anything...really :) We are grateful that we can get to know you and we will take things one step at a time!
To begin, I want to tell you how relieved I am that you are feeling better. On Sunday, I spent an hour and a half writing you an e-mail only to have Kevin tell me not to send it! E-mails are really tough for me since we interpret them through our own lenses. So what I thought would be a warm and comforting letter for you, Kevin thought differently and said it may be too much! Oh well, soon we’ll have a face-to-face visit which I am really looking forward to! (...)
Kevin keeps telling me to keep the e-mails simple so I will follow his advice. I thought it would be nice to phone you and ask about the kinds of foods you and Nick like to eat. It would give us a chance to talk and to feel more comfortable with each other! (...) I love heart to heart, one-on-one talks! I certainly look forward to these talks with you (if you are willing) I can’t wait to hear all about you...every little detail!
In Christ,
Linda
PS In regards to one of your e-mails to Kev...Kevin is right...you can’t screw anything up! Haley we don’t have any expectations! It’s hard to disappoint people when they don’t expect anything...really :) We are grateful that we can get to know you and we will take things one step at a time!
-----
She's so sweet. I am completely impressed by this woman. I still can't get over how she could welcome me into her family, without even knowing who I am. "I can't wait to hear all about you...every little detail!" Am I ready for that? I guess I'm going to have to be!
Can you believe this thing about no expectations? No expectations? As much as I have tried to keep my expectations low, to protect myself from disappointment, I still have expectations. I don't think I could define what they are, but there are definitely hopes and they are growing rapidly.
It's sort of impossible not to have expectations, don't you think?
Tuesday, 28 June 2011
It's all about me.
When I started to share my story through this blog, I mistakenly thought it was all about me. I needed to write to process all my feelings, to keep them from swirling around in my head. Big life change, lengthy mental processing needed.
At the beginning of the reunion, I used up all my free time with my husband talking on and on about my new family. At dinner, on date night, during hockey games. Note to self: Don't talk to your husband during a hockey game unless your sentence has the word 'wings' or 'pizza', preceded by, "do you want more ______"? He's not interested in hearing about the latest email from my little sister when the game is in overtime. Trust me, that email was way more interesting that the overtime period.
My friends, surprisingly, were not all interested in every moment of my reunion tale. One even interrupted me in the middle of my story, and said, "oh no, I didn't mean I wanted to hear all of that, I just wanted to know it was going well." Oh. So you don't want me to ramble on for hours at a time? I listen to you talk about your kids for hours, I guess it doesn't go both ways.
I needed another outlet, and a blog seemed to be a good choice. It helped me untangle weeks of pent up thoughts and emotions. Unpacking story by story was incredibly helpful to my mental health.
I haven't felt the compulsion to write every day for a while; *spoiler warning* I do have a post saved up about Father's Day, but with the mail strike in Canada, I didn't want to post it until my Dad actually got his Father's Day card, since the post is all about choosing Father's Day cards.
Since I stopped writing for a few weeks, I've been getting bombarded with advice as to how to 'cure writer's block' or 'just jump ahead to the present story'. I was told that a certain member of my new family now sleeps in again, because she used to get up early to see what I had written, and now doesn't bother. Ouch.
Ok, I can take the hint! It's important to them to meet me here at the blog every morning. They get a glimpse of me, of my heart, answers to questions they might be too shy to ask, something extra that helps them process this reunion thing too.
And here I thought the blog was all about me...
The real question is, when will they read the new post! Since they're not in the habit of checking every day... :)
At the beginning of the reunion, I used up all my free time with my husband talking on and on about my new family. At dinner, on date night, during hockey games. Note to self: Don't talk to your husband during a hockey game unless your sentence has the word 'wings' or 'pizza', preceded by, "do you want more ______"? He's not interested in hearing about the latest email from my little sister when the game is in overtime. Trust me, that email was way more interesting that the overtime period.
My friends, surprisingly, were not all interested in every moment of my reunion tale. One even interrupted me in the middle of my story, and said, "oh no, I didn't mean I wanted to hear all of that, I just wanted to know it was going well." Oh. So you don't want me to ramble on for hours at a time? I listen to you talk about your kids for hours, I guess it doesn't go both ways.
I needed another outlet, and a blog seemed to be a good choice. It helped me untangle weeks of pent up thoughts and emotions. Unpacking story by story was incredibly helpful to my mental health.
I haven't felt the compulsion to write every day for a while; *spoiler warning* I do have a post saved up about Father's Day, but with the mail strike in Canada, I didn't want to post it until my Dad actually got his Father's Day card, since the post is all about choosing Father's Day cards.
Since I stopped writing for a few weeks, I've been getting bombarded with advice as to how to 'cure writer's block' or 'just jump ahead to the present story'. I was told that a certain member of my new family now sleeps in again, because she used to get up early to see what I had written, and now doesn't bother. Ouch.
Ok, I can take the hint! It's important to them to meet me here at the blog every morning. They get a glimpse of me, of my heart, answers to questions they might be too shy to ask, something extra that helps them process this reunion thing too.
And here I thought the blog was all about me...
The real question is, when will they read the new post! Since they're not in the habit of checking every day... :)
Thursday, 9 June 2011
A day in my time-travelling shoes
I suppose I'll be shifting around a bit more through time with the blog for the next while, as I'm opting for keeping conversations together rather than keeping to the exact timeline. We'll see how this goes :)
Email to Haley, from Linda; March 19, 2011
I can’t tell you how wonderful it was to speak with you and Nick today! You are so beautiful...and that smile!!! (...)
I’m trying to imagine what it would be like to be in your shoes...and it is difficult to know what you may be feeling/thinking. I just want you to know that we are glad that you made that first call. I am so grateful that you are such a “good” girl and will be a great role model for the girls. I think God has a great future for us all and I trust completely in His plans.
Today, a Skype call....next, a real visit!!! How exciting!
In Christ,
Linda
Linda
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Email to Linda, from Haley; March 19, 2011
I loved seeing you all in 'real life'. It's so much better than just a picture! It was hard for me to concentrate on talking I was so busy taking it all in! Sorry I didn't have much to say, I think I was a bit in shock. (...)
Emotional doesn't begin to describe me today. I'm a wreck. Happy sad nervous anxious scared excited all at once. I smile reading through the emails and then I'm bawling because I'm afraid of messing this up. Overall just a wreck. I spent the rest of the evening trying to write an email to Kevin. Nick is still working on the truck, so I used a half a box of Kleenex on my own :)
I want to get to know everyone and I don't want to slow things down with you all, but it's definitely an emotional time!
Blessings,
Haley
-----
Half a box of kleenex, home alone with the keyboard and the dog...if I drank much, I think tonight would be the night to get out a bottle of (insert your favourite drink here). But I don't, so it was just me, the kleenex, the keyboard and the dog. I can't call anyone because I don't know what I'd say. I looked so forward to the Skype call, and then had this terrible breakdown immediately afterward. Where's the DSM-IV TR when you need it? Perhaps I'm not quite the 'great role model' Linda has in mind.
Sunday, 5 June 2011
Reality Check
We hung up after the skype call and I was in shock.
This is the first email to you that I'm struggling to write! I hope you can read this with filtered lenses please, I am going to be as honest as I can be - but sometimes I know I can come across as critical instead of honest, and I don't do too well at censoring myself. So please read it with grace lenses :) and I'll ask for forgiveness in advance.
The first thing my husband said to me, “You sure didn’t talk much!”. I didn’t? I didn’t really notice! I tend to be pretty shy, so that’s not really a surprise. And what was I supposed to say anyway? I was too busy trying to take it all in to have room left to think about what to say.
Then I had a mini freak out. Maybe a huge freak out. How can Kevin look like a stranger when we’ve been sharing life stuff for a few weeks already?
It was so different to see them live. I’ve seen pictures, and they look exactly the same as their pictures, but now they’re real.
It’s hard to explain, not as though I thought they were ‘fake’ but to know each person is real, and what they have emailed me is really from each of them; I think of the kids especially. Their personalities shone through each email. I can tell just by reading the writing who each email is from if I never saw the reply address or a signature. To match that up to a live face is overwhelming.
It was like I’ve been living in a fog-filled dream world for the last two weeks, and then today in twenty minutes I had my eyes truly opened. The mist cleared away and this was my reality. I’m the plus-one in a new family.
-----
Email to Kevin, from Haley; March 19, 2011
Then I had a mini freak out. Maybe a huge freak out. How can Kevin look like a stranger when we’ve been sharing life stuff for a few weeks already?
It was so different to see them live. I’ve seen pictures, and they look exactly the same as their pictures, but now they’re real.
It’s hard to explain, not as though I thought they were ‘fake’ but to know each person is real, and what they have emailed me is really from each of them; I think of the kids especially. Their personalities shone through each email. I can tell just by reading the writing who each email is from if I never saw the reply address or a signature. To match that up to a live face is overwhelming.
It was like I’ve been living in a fog-filled dream world for the last two weeks, and then today in twenty minutes I had my eyes truly opened. The mist cleared away and this was my reality. I’m the plus-one in a new family.
-----
Email to Kevin, from Haley; March 19, 2011
Hi Kevin,
This is the first email to you that I'm struggling to write! I hope you can read this with filtered lenses please, I am going to be as honest as I can be - but sometimes I know I can come across as critical instead of honest, and I don't do too well at censoring myself. So please read it with grace lenses :) and I'll ask for forgiveness in advance.
It was so wonderful to see you all 'face to face'. Somehow it makes it seem so much more real.
I'm embarrassed that I didn't say much; I'm sorry. I was sort of in shock I guess. There's 5 of you and only one of me, and it's hard for me to take it all in and still have room left in my brain to think about what to say next. With emails it's so much easier because I can take the time I need to think. I'm a fairly quiet person when I don't know people well, and I'm even worse in groups. If I'm at a table with 10 of my dearest friends, it takes a lot to prompt me to join in the conversation.
All that being said...I think I need to right-size my expectations. I've been having these grandiose ideas about visiting for a weekend or I don't know, just big plans for an ideal reunion. I have to quit watching tv shows like The Locator and Find My Family! I guess it's easy to splice a 60 minute awkward silence-filled conversation into a 2 minute sound byte. We're essentially strangers, and you get the benefit of me looking like or sounding like someone in your family, but I'm flying blind. It feels so strange because even though we've had a couple of weeks of emails I still look at you and feel like I don't know you at all. It's surreal, like it's not really my life, but someone else's.
I'm scared because of what happened with Camille. I think I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to make sure I don't screw this up, but I don't even know what it should look like.
So where do we go from here? I don't know. I'm at a loss. I think skype is so cool because you can see each other, and it's almost like you're in the same room, but it's distracting for me to see you and I'm trying to see me in you and I can't think about what to say. It's info overload. I guess I would like it if you and I could just talk on the phone instead for a while. And I think I would like to ask you a few questions about when I was born if that's ok. And if Linda or the kids wanted to talk, that'd be ok, but I think I'd like it to be 1 on 1 instead of everyone at once.
Ok, so that was long and rambling, sorry. Nick went back to work and I'm just processing it all on my own and thought that you should know what I'm thinking too.
I'd love to talk again soon, but you can email me first and tell me how long and rambling I am sometimes :)
Blessings, Haley
-----
I'm embarrassed that I didn't say much; I'm sorry. I was sort of in shock I guess. There's 5 of you and only one of me, and it's hard for me to take it all in and still have room left in my brain to think about what to say next. With emails it's so much easier because I can take the time I need to think. I'm a fairly quiet person when I don't know people well, and I'm even worse in groups. If I'm at a table with 10 of my dearest friends, it takes a lot to prompt me to join in the conversation.
All that being said...I think I need to right-size my expectations. I've been having these grandiose ideas about visiting for a weekend or I don't know, just big plans for an ideal reunion. I have to quit watching tv shows like The Locator and Find My Family! I guess it's easy to splice a 60 minute awkward silence-filled conversation into a 2 minute sound byte. We're essentially strangers, and you get the benefit of me looking like or sounding like someone in your family, but I'm flying blind. It feels so strange because even though we've had a couple of weeks of emails I still look at you and feel like I don't know you at all. It's surreal, like it's not really my life, but someone else's.
I'm scared because of what happened with Camille. I think I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to make sure I don't screw this up, but I don't even know what it should look like.
So where do we go from here? I don't know. I'm at a loss. I think skype is so cool because you can see each other, and it's almost like you're in the same room, but it's distracting for me to see you and I'm trying to see me in you and I can't think about what to say. It's info overload. I guess I would like it if you and I could just talk on the phone instead for a while. And I think I would like to ask you a few questions about when I was born if that's ok. And if Linda or the kids wanted to talk, that'd be ok, but I think I'd like it to be 1 on 1 instead of everyone at once.
Ok, so that was long and rambling, sorry. Nick went back to work and I'm just processing it all on my own and thought that you should know what I'm thinking too.
I'd love to talk again soon, but you can email me first and tell me how long and rambling I am sometimes :)
Blessings, Haley
-----
Saturday, 4 June 2011
The Skype Call, Part Two
I'm thrilled to tell you that Kevin has agreed (I'm told this was half 'happily' and half 'reluctantly' due to his private nature...) to write a guest post. Please enjoy the view from his glasses today.
Skype day was like most Saturdays at our house, a bit busy and a bit lazy. Everyone in the house was excited/nervous all day. We knew Haley would become and remain part of our lives, my wife and I had already agreed (how good is she?!). Skyping would be another step in the string of steps already taken. I set up in the kitchen. In retrospect, my wife told me she'd never seen me so nervous. I remember feeling anxious, very anxious...
I don't recall who called whom, but when we got on the call it was only Haley and I. Initially it was surreal, my first time on skype, seeing the daughter I knew I had but knew little about until just a few weeks previous.
I had prepared a small list of things to talk about because I'm not very talkative on the weekends as I talk all day at work. We'd traded photos previously, so I recognized her immediately. It's impossible not to notice mannerisms in Haley that I and my siblings share.
Woah! Not easy.
At times it feels like we're just staring at each other; even though we've found a nice pleasant rhythm in our writings back and forth, adding audio and video has added a whole new dimension that for sure I'm not prepared for.
I'm struggling to bring things up, and Haley is really quiet, it kind of feels like we're on a nervous blind date, time to call in the reinforcements! We pull Linda and Nick into the camera view and things start to settle down again, then after a few quiet pauses we bring in our kids.
After more small talk there are seven of us watching tv, not much to say but all amazed as we look through the glass. My list of questions gets used up, I try to make jokes to keep things light but it's hard for everyone (maybe because they weren't funny, though I find that hard to believe) we're all excited and nervous and mesmerized by the new family members. We lift up our 45 pound dog Danny and introduce him to Lucy, who likely weighs 6 pounds out of the bathtub, this was proof to me we were struggling a bit for content!
After we say goodbye, everyone in my kitchen lets out a huge sigh of relief, we did it! I imagine it was the same in Haley's house. We'd successfully met 'face to face' and not only survived, but set ourselves up for continuing to head down the path of getting to know each other.
That was an amazing day; with luck there will be many more to come.
-Kevin
Skype day was like most Saturdays at our house, a bit busy and a bit lazy. Everyone in the house was excited/nervous all day. We knew Haley would become and remain part of our lives, my wife and I had already agreed (how good is she?!). Skyping would be another step in the string of steps already taken. I set up in the kitchen. In retrospect, my wife told me she'd never seen me so nervous. I remember feeling anxious, very anxious...
I don't recall who called whom, but when we got on the call it was only Haley and I. Initially it was surreal, my first time on skype, seeing the daughter I knew I had but knew little about until just a few weeks previous.
I had prepared a small list of things to talk about because I'm not very talkative on the weekends as I talk all day at work. We'd traded photos previously, so I recognized her immediately. It's impossible not to notice mannerisms in Haley that I and my siblings share.
Woah! Not easy.
At times it feels like we're just staring at each other; even though we've found a nice pleasant rhythm in our writings back and forth, adding audio and video has added a whole new dimension that for sure I'm not prepared for.
I'm struggling to bring things up, and Haley is really quiet, it kind of feels like we're on a nervous blind date, time to call in the reinforcements! We pull Linda and Nick into the camera view and things start to settle down again, then after a few quiet pauses we bring in our kids.
After more small talk there are seven of us watching tv, not much to say but all amazed as we look through the glass. My list of questions gets used up, I try to make jokes to keep things light but it's hard for everyone (maybe because they weren't funny, though I find that hard to believe) we're all excited and nervous and mesmerized by the new family members. We lift up our 45 pound dog Danny and introduce him to Lucy, who likely weighs 6 pounds out of the bathtub, this was proof to me we were struggling a bit for content!
After we say goodbye, everyone in my kitchen lets out a huge sigh of relief, we did it! I imagine it was the same in Haley's house. We'd successfully met 'face to face' and not only survived, but set ourselves up for continuing to head down the path of getting to know each other.
That was an amazing day; with luck there will be many more to come.
-Kevin
Monday, 23 May 2011
Looking forward to Skype
Email to Haley, from Kevin; March 18, 2011
Hi Haley,
It’s Friday and we're really looking forward to tomorrow afternoon's Skype call, as I said earlier it may be me, Linda and I, or it might be the whole band. Is that ok? I'm not sure how it will unfold, so if you have a preference please say and we'll do that. (...)
I haven't been counting days or weeks but I know it's been a very short time since we began conversing...feels longer for me, but I know it’s short. (...)
Have a great day, we'll see you tomorrow!
Kevin
-----
Email to Kevin, from Haley; March 18, 2011
Good Morning! I have been trying to reply to all the emails that are overflowing my inbox! It's an interesting balance of wanting them to get a careful and timely reply and yet I have to run to work right away! Not literally though, my legs hurt like, well a lot. I had an early morning training session with a lot of lunges yesterday.
As for tomorrow, I am very excited! I would love to 'see' you all but how about just you and I start and then we can add people in to the call as we run out of things to say :) I do want to greet all your kids, as they have certainly expressed that desire in their emails. I need to frame those emails, you should read them all! They are amazing :) (...)
Thanks for the emails...and for including me in the family. Your children are so special. They're already dear to me after only a few typed words back and forth.
Blessings,
Haley
Hi Haley,
It’s Friday and we're really looking forward to tomorrow afternoon's Skype call, as I said earlier it may be me, Linda and I, or it might be the whole band. Is that ok? I'm not sure how it will unfold, so if you have a preference please say and we'll do that. (...)
I haven't been counting days or weeks but I know it's been a very short time since we began conversing...feels longer for me, but I know it’s short. (...)
Have a great day, we'll see you tomorrow!
Kevin
-----
Email to Kevin, from Haley; March 18, 2011
Good Morning! I have been trying to reply to all the emails that are overflowing my inbox! It's an interesting balance of wanting them to get a careful and timely reply and yet I have to run to work right away! Not literally though, my legs hurt like, well a lot. I had an early morning training session with a lot of lunges yesterday.
As for tomorrow, I am very excited! I would love to 'see' you all but how about just you and I start and then we can add people in to the call as we run out of things to say :) I do want to greet all your kids, as they have certainly expressed that desire in their emails. I need to frame those emails, you should read them all! They are amazing :) (...)
Thanks for the emails...and for including me in the family. Your children are so special. They're already dear to me after only a few typed words back and forth.
Blessings,
Haley
-----
Our time together has been short? It's been less than two weeks since the Facebook conversation of March 6/7. Wow. How fast can you build a sustainable relationship?
One of my big regrets with Camille is that we actually met within days of our first emails. Let me correct that, it was the same day. I got the first email from her at 3:20pm; Nick and I went to visit her at 7:30pm. Too much too soon? Yes. Of course hindsight is 20-20.
Is this too much too soon? It's like taking out a few stones from the dam every day, and then there's a trickle of water coming out...which leads to a breach and widespread flooding. It's too late to put back any stones now, so I think I'll just hope the flood is good for the land.
Saturday, 14 May 2011
A Very Delicate Situation
Email to Linda, from Haley; March 15, 2011
Oh dear! I learned not to open personal email at work, because I had a serious break down today! Your email was so accepting and honest, I was able to hear your heart. That's no small accomplishment via email :) Thank you for the warm welcome.
I was so nervous to share that I am a Christian, but I'm so grateful now that we can share that faith. Thank you for being open about that with me. It's a significant part of my life too.
Your dear ones! I have been so focused on thinking about what a big change this is for me, I didn't fully think about what a huge change this will be for them. I didn't know you had told them yet, but thank you for being so candid about their reactions. It makes it real for me to know they have some processing to do too. There's no disappointment on my end; you know what they can handle and I trust that you will be as gentle with them as you can in this very delicate situation.
It's a delight to have heard from you Linda. Thank you again for the kind words and for sharing from the heart. I can't wait until Saturday!
I told Kevin before that my productivity is way down...well I told my boss today that I haven't really been "mentally present" lately and he laughed and said "whenever I have a new grandchild, I'm not here either. You gained a whole family. You're high functioning enough of the time to have a few weeks of being a bit slower!". What a great boss :)
Blessings,
Haley
-----
Email to Kevin, from Haley; March 15, 2011
Good morning Kevin,
I was so excited to get an email from Linda, she sounds wonderful. I think you're very blessed!
It's totally fine to Skype just the adults. I want you to go as slow as they need. I can't imagine the shock factor for those dear ones! I'm glad you're not rushing them.
(...)
Sometimes I have a hard time falling asleep, so I listen to podcasts of old radio shows, or Wiretap. I downloaded some more Vinyl Cafe to add to the list. :)
Blessings,
Haley
-----
It's amazing to me that much of the anxiety of the reunion is fading just from knowing that Linda is ok with it; I know how much it means to me that Nick is supportive of the reunion. Now, I think of my siblings and my heart aches for them.
Imagine you are 9 years old (or 12 or 14), and your parents sit you down and tell you that your Dad has another child. Even now, when I know what their reaction was, I still have a hard time thinking about this. It's not the romantic, long-lost daughter story line that would fit in well in any soap opera. It's losing the image of an infallible father. It's confusing and difficult to understand. It's shaking up a world that you're very comfortable in.
Oh dear! I learned not to open personal email at work, because I had a serious break down today! Your email was so accepting and honest, I was able to hear your heart. That's no small accomplishment via email :) Thank you for the warm welcome.
I was so nervous to share that I am a Christian, but I'm so grateful now that we can share that faith. Thank you for being open about that with me. It's a significant part of my life too.
Your dear ones! I have been so focused on thinking about what a big change this is for me, I didn't fully think about what a huge change this will be for them. I didn't know you had told them yet, but thank you for being so candid about their reactions. It makes it real for me to know they have some processing to do too. There's no disappointment on my end; you know what they can handle and I trust that you will be as gentle with them as you can in this very delicate situation.
It's a delight to have heard from you Linda. Thank you again for the kind words and for sharing from the heart. I can't wait until Saturday!
I told Kevin before that my productivity is way down...well I told my boss today that I haven't really been "mentally present" lately and he laughed and said "whenever I have a new grandchild, I'm not here either. You gained a whole family. You're high functioning enough of the time to have a few weeks of being a bit slower!". What a great boss :)
Blessings,
Haley
-----
Email to Kevin, from Haley; March 15, 2011
Good morning Kevin,
I was so excited to get an email from Linda, she sounds wonderful. I think you're very blessed!
It's totally fine to Skype just the adults. I want you to go as slow as they need. I can't imagine the shock factor for those dear ones! I'm glad you're not rushing them.
(...)
Sometimes I have a hard time falling asleep, so I listen to podcasts of old radio shows, or Wiretap. I downloaded some more Vinyl Cafe to add to the list. :)
Blessings,
Haley
-----
It's amazing to me that much of the anxiety of the reunion is fading just from knowing that Linda is ok with it; I know how much it means to me that Nick is supportive of the reunion. Now, I think of my siblings and my heart aches for them.
Imagine you are 9 years old (or 12 or 14), and your parents sit you down and tell you that your Dad has another child. Even now, when I know what their reaction was, I still have a hard time thinking about this. It's not the romantic, long-lost daughter story line that would fit in well in any soap opera. It's losing the image of an infallible father. It's confusing and difficult to understand. It's shaking up a world that you're very comfortable in.
Friday, 13 May 2011
Four Fathers & Four Mothers?
First, please forgive the delay in this post. Blogger has had some issues lately, and therefore deleted my current drafts. Drat. So I have a bit of re-writing to do...thus the late post.
I'd like to introduce you to someone who has become very special in my life. I already told you that Google failed to answer what her title is...and biological father's wife is kind of stilting, not to mention somehow unflattering.
I suppose I have four Mother figures in my life now:
Email to Haley, from Linda; March 15, 2011
Dear Haley,
Firstly, I want to start by telling you...welcome!
I'd like to introduce you to someone who has become very special in my life. I already told you that Google failed to answer what her title is...and biological father's wife is kind of stilting, not to mention somehow unflattering.
I suppose I have four Mother figures in my life now:
- My Real Mom - she's the most amazing mother, I love her dearly. No 'adoptive' mom qualifier needed here.
- Mom-in-Law - I'm so blessed to be able to call her Mom too, she is a fabulous mother-in-law. Seriously, they do exist!
- Biological Mother, Camille. What can I say, I'm happy to be on planet earth! I'm thankful for the life she chose to give me.
- Linda (Kevin's wife) She is, well... read for yourself:
Email to Haley, from Linda; March 15, 2011
Firstly, I want to start by telling you...welcome!
Secondly, I want to thank you for the e-mail that you sent to us. It was beautiful! I hope you won’t be too disappointed, but we won’t share it with the kids just yet. We will share it with them in a few days (maybe weeks?). Less than 48 hours ago they didn’t even know you existed. We want them to be settled with the information first and then I will pass your e-mail on to them. (...)
Now for me...since Kevin told me that you had contacted him, I have experienced every emotion possible...fear, joy, anxiety, apprehension, relief, excitement, and even resentment. Emotions are emotions and I don’t want to become too caught up in them. It’s our “will” to do the right thing; the Godly thing. All that matters to me is that I do God’s Will and it is quite obvious to me that God’s Will is that we accept you and Nick into our lives! So I have and I will, without reservation!
Thirdly, faith is very important to me too! Imagine my initial relief when I saw you sign your e-mails with “Blessings”. I also suspected that you were a Christian when I discovered that you married so young. (I’m quite sure that only souls concerned about chastity do so in this day and age! ) The children and I have a strong faith in God. We have home-schooled them since the beginning so it has been easy to instill Christian morals and ideals. They certainly are not perfect (nor am I!) but they are pretty good kids. I think you will care for them a great deal over time.
Finally, I will talk face to face (kind of) to you on Saturday (if that works for you?) with Kevin. I truly look forward to getting to know you better. You sound like an amazing young lady and I am sure your parents are so proud of you! You’ll love meeting the entire extended family too and they are sure to share that love meeting you.
Now for me...since Kevin told me that you had contacted him, I have experienced every emotion possible...fear, joy, anxiety, apprehension, relief, excitement, and even resentment. Emotions are emotions and I don’t want to become too caught up in them. It’s our “will” to do the right thing; the Godly thing. All that matters to me is that I do God’s Will and it is quite obvious to me that God’s Will is that we accept you and Nick into our lives! So I have and I will, without reservation!
Thirdly, faith is very important to me too! Imagine my initial relief when I saw you sign your e-mails with “Blessings”. I also suspected that you were a Christian when I discovered that you married so young. (I’m quite sure that only souls concerned about chastity do so in this day and age! ) The children and I have a strong faith in God. We have home-schooled them since the beginning so it has been easy to instill Christian morals and ideals. They certainly are not perfect (nor am I!) but they are pretty good kids. I think you will care for them a great deal over time.
Finally, I will talk face to face (kind of) to you on Saturday (if that works for you?) with Kevin. I truly look forward to getting to know you better. You sound like an amazing young lady and I am sure your parents are so proud of you! You’ll love meeting the entire extended family too and they are sure to share that love meeting you.
Bye for now.
In Christ,
Linda
-----
I was afraid Linda would reject me. That she would discount my presence, as I am not her child. Perhaps somehow she would prevent Kevin from contacting me so her family could maintain the status quo.
The tears of relief that were shed reading this email! I can't express how grateful I am. She is welcoming, gracious, candid...and even includes my parents. She's a Christian! Could God have made this any better? I don't think so. It's so good.
I reached the end of Linda's email and I knew I could love her.
In Christ,
Linda
-----
I was afraid Linda would reject me. That she would discount my presence, as I am not her child. Perhaps somehow she would prevent Kevin from contacting me so her family could maintain the status quo.
The tears of relief that were shed reading this email! I can't express how grateful I am. She is welcoming, gracious, candid...and even includes my parents. She's a Christian! Could God have made this any better? I don't think so. It's so good.
I reached the end of Linda's email and I knew I could love her.
Thursday, 12 May 2011
A Big Sister
Email to my new family, from Haley; Subject: "A Big Sister"; March 14, 2011
Daniel- It must be great to be an older brother. I know you've got some serious responsibilities on your shoulders. Soon you'll have to fend off future suitors for not just one but two sisters. You get to be the 'man' of the house when your Dad's away. And you have two sisters who may have ganged up on you to force you to play house or let them cut your hair...I'm sorry that I don't balance out the boys side for you :) But at least you don't have to screen my boyfriends, I'm already married! Seriously though, what a great honour I'll have if you allow me the privilege of being your big sister. I always wanted a brother to show me how to do some boy stuff like playing video games or someone to play catch with. I also need someone who can recommend some great books...I go through a couple most weeks! I hope you can help me out with some of that!
Amy and Sarah - I saw your pictures and you are both so beautiful! I am so excited to have sisters! If you're ok with me joining your family as your big sister, I think we may have some great late-night chats, spa dates, watch Anne of Green Gables with giant boxes of kleenex and maybe you're past the barbie stage...but I still have a box of barbies that haven't seen sisters play together yet.
I'm so looking forward to meeting you all and discovering what you actually like to do instead of guessing!
With great expectations,
Haley
Wednesday, 11 May 2011
Yes, I knew when you were born...
Email to Haley, from Kevin; March 14, 2011
Hi Haley,
Yes, I knew when you were born, and that you were a girl, we can talk more of those details and history face to face sometime.
Lets line up a skype (correct terminology?) for Saturday afternoon at 4:00 pst? Linda is away until mid afternoon Saturday. Is 5:00 okay for you, or too close to dinner?
I'm totally ok if you want to write something to the rest of the family, I'll cc our home address. Feel free, she's looking forward to it!
My FB picture was when I was about 13, I put it there because I think FB is more for kids, I have a quirky sense of humour...
(...)
Kevin
-----
Sometimes it's like God can read my mind, that He knows my prayers before I pray them. "the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will" ~Romans 8:26a-27
When He knows I cannot take one more moment of fear, that I'll fall into despair, I receive something to look forward to. Skype! I'm thrilled. Who cares what time dinner is; I will fast for the day to get a Skype call. And I can email Linda and my brother and sisters! I don't even know if they know about me yet...but I'm still going to write to them. What on earth would you write to siblings that didn't know you existed?
And he knew I was a girl. "The Putative Father was aware of the pregnancy but not of the birth" (From my adoption records). I suppose news travels...
Hi Haley,
Yes, I knew when you were born, and that you were a girl, we can talk more of those details and history face to face sometime.
Lets line up a skype (correct terminology?) for Saturday afternoon at 4:00 pst? Linda is away until mid afternoon Saturday. Is 5:00 okay for you, or too close to dinner?
I'm totally ok if you want to write something to the rest of the family, I'll cc our home address. Feel free, she's looking forward to it!
My FB picture was when I was about 13, I put it there because I think FB is more for kids, I have a quirky sense of humour...
(...)
Kevin
-----
Sometimes it's like God can read my mind, that He knows my prayers before I pray them. "the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will" ~Romans 8:26a-27
When He knows I cannot take one more moment of fear, that I'll fall into despair, I receive something to look forward to. Skype! I'm thrilled. Who cares what time dinner is; I will fast for the day to get a Skype call. And I can email Linda and my brother and sisters! I don't even know if they know about me yet...but I'm still going to write to them. What on earth would you write to siblings that didn't know you existed?
And he knew I was a girl. "The Putative Father was aware of the pregnancy but not of the birth" (From my adoption records). I suppose news travels...
Tuesday, 10 May 2011
Second-Guessing
Email to Haley, from Kevin; March 14, 2011
Hi Haley,
13 minutes seems preety good to me, I can barely make it two blocks without a rest! I will take heart that can make it up to 13 minutes if I keep at it.
Linda and I lived in Manitoba for three years in the late 90s, we moved there for my work. We really liked it, except the winter weather, it makes Edmonton look like Vancouver! Both Daniel and Amy were born there, we bought our first house there, and we made some wonderful friends, the people were unbelievable! Really warm and welcoming.
(....)
I'm totally ok with how we've been e-mailing, we're getting to know each other.. :) Feel free to reply however you like, I do both, right away or wait, depending...
Oilers / Eskimos, automatic! As we've moved around a bit I've learned over the years to cheer for the home team, so today it would be the Canucks, unless they're playing the Oilers. Ditto for football. (...)
Our annual vacation tends to be the one I mentioned in Jasper with Linda's family. Kind of low key, but we all enjoy it as we spend the whole time together doing hiking, biking, fishing, lots and lots of fun. I've been fortunate to travel a bit with work and I'm learning to stay an extra day or two to see the local sights.
(...)
Have a great day Haley. Have fun!
Kevin
-----
Email to Kevin, from Haley; March 14, 2011
Today's my day off so I'm going to clean a bit, meet a friend for lunch and maybe cook some freezer meals. I love to cook. Nick likes to eat what I cook :) but he does take a turn in the kitchen every once and a while. He really loves to bbq even when it's -25. I think his cutoff is about -30.
I read through some of my adoption paperwork again, it says you knew Camille was pregnant, but did you ever know when I was born? I wondered if you knew I was a girl...
Maybe tomorrow I'll scan some of it and send it to you. I got the report in 2005. Alberta opened adoption records in the fall of 2004. After what happened with Camille, I didn't think I would ever look for you. But God stirred up a desire in my heart just in the last 6 months. I am in a Bible study group and we all had to share our "stories" with each other. Basically it's a life story where you try and look back and see what God's been up to in your life. While I was writing mine I noticed that empty space again so I decided to look for you. All I had was your name and I thought you probably had gone to school with Camille. So I tried Facebook. There's more than just one Kevin _________...but at the time your picture was you as a boy. I thought your smile looked a lot like mine when I was little. I knew in my heart, this is the one. So that's all I did. You're the only one I messaged and I didn't know what to write. High school seemed innocent enough...
(...)
Now all I can think about is when do we get to meet? If you have Skype sometime this week we could book a time (...)
Is it ok if I write something to your family to share with them?
Blessings,
Haley
-----
The emails are getting longer now, there's lots more 'life stuff'. It's so good. Yet so completely nerve-wracking! Every time I hit send, I think, should I have been less _______, more _______... should I have said ____________, instead of ____________. Ahh, second-guessing. You're a real cross to bear.
I wondered if it's because I'm a woman, an adoptee, or if it's just me. It's so validating reading some other reunion blogs, because they share the same feelings! Fear, fear, fear. Anxiety vs anger. Regret and shame. Brief flashes of joy.
The joyful moments seem to be the most fleeting. It's really unfair. I get butterflies when I see the email is from him. I open it, it's wonderful, full of new information and interest in me...then in comes the anxiety. What am I going to write back? Did I read that right? I hope he didn't think __________ when I said _________. Then I write the reply. Re-read it, rinse, repeat, and again. Hit send at a weak moment. Then I have to wait with the fear in the pit of my stomach. When will he write back? Will he write back? Or was that the last email. The last time I'll ever hear from him.
It's a shame the joy can't last longer. Maybe it can push some of this fear away next time it shows up.
Hi Haley,
13 minutes seems preety good to me, I can barely make it two blocks without a rest! I will take heart that can make it up to 13 minutes if I keep at it.
Linda and I lived in Manitoba for three years in the late 90s, we moved there for my work. We really liked it, except the winter weather, it makes Edmonton look like Vancouver! Both Daniel and Amy were born there, we bought our first house there, and we made some wonderful friends, the people were unbelievable! Really warm and welcoming.
(....)
I'm totally ok with how we've been e-mailing, we're getting to know each other.. :) Feel free to reply however you like, I do both, right away or wait, depending...
Oilers / Eskimos, automatic! As we've moved around a bit I've learned over the years to cheer for the home team, so today it would be the Canucks, unless they're playing the Oilers. Ditto for football. (...)
Our annual vacation tends to be the one I mentioned in Jasper with Linda's family. Kind of low key, but we all enjoy it as we spend the whole time together doing hiking, biking, fishing, lots and lots of fun. I've been fortunate to travel a bit with work and I'm learning to stay an extra day or two to see the local sights.
(...)
Have a great day Haley. Have fun!
Kevin
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Email to Kevin, from Haley; March 14, 2011
Today's my day off so I'm going to clean a bit, meet a friend for lunch and maybe cook some freezer meals. I love to cook. Nick likes to eat what I cook :) but he does take a turn in the kitchen every once and a while. He really loves to bbq even when it's -25. I think his cutoff is about -30.
I read through some of my adoption paperwork again, it says you knew Camille was pregnant, but did you ever know when I was born? I wondered if you knew I was a girl...
Maybe tomorrow I'll scan some of it and send it to you. I got the report in 2005. Alberta opened adoption records in the fall of 2004. After what happened with Camille, I didn't think I would ever look for you. But God stirred up a desire in my heart just in the last 6 months. I am in a Bible study group and we all had to share our "stories" with each other. Basically it's a life story where you try and look back and see what God's been up to in your life. While I was writing mine I noticed that empty space again so I decided to look for you. All I had was your name and I thought you probably had gone to school with Camille. So I tried Facebook. There's more than just one Kevin _________...but at the time your picture was you as a boy. I thought your smile looked a lot like mine when I was little. I knew in my heart, this is the one. So that's all I did. You're the only one I messaged and I didn't know what to write. High school seemed innocent enough...
(...)
Now all I can think about is when do we get to meet? If you have Skype sometime this week we could book a time (...)
Is it ok if I write something to your family to share with them?
Blessings,
Haley
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The emails are getting longer now, there's lots more 'life stuff'. It's so good. Yet so completely nerve-wracking! Every time I hit send, I think, should I have been less _______, more _______... should I have said ____________, instead of ____________. Ahh, second-guessing. You're a real cross to bear.
I wondered if it's because I'm a woman, an adoptee, or if it's just me. It's so validating reading some other reunion blogs, because they share the same feelings! Fear, fear, fear. Anxiety vs anger. Regret and shame. Brief flashes of joy.
The joyful moments seem to be the most fleeting. It's really unfair. I get butterflies when I see the email is from him. I open it, it's wonderful, full of new information and interest in me...then in comes the anxiety. What am I going to write back? Did I read that right? I hope he didn't think __________ when I said _________. Then I write the reply. Re-read it, rinse, repeat, and again. Hit send at a weak moment. Then I have to wait with the fear in the pit of my stomach. When will he write back? Will he write back? Or was that the last email. The last time I'll ever hear from him.
It's a shame the joy can't last longer. Maybe it can push some of this fear away next time it shows up.
Sunday, 8 May 2011
An aside... Mother's Day
I'm going to take a one day break in our story, to reflect on Mother's Day
I spent some of my afternoon yesterday reading a few other adoptees' blogs. Fascinating to see others who have gone before me on this journey. Quite a few had notes about 'Birth Mother's Day'. Hmmm. I hadn't heard of that before. I've just had many bittersweet Mother's Days wondering if my bio-mother, Camille has made any progress in her healing.
When we met a few years ago, she was unable to have children and unintentionally (or otherwise) blamed said problem on me. That's a lot of guilt for someone to carry. Thankfully, I have given that back to God, and hopefully Camille will be able to find some healing in that area too.
So today, I celebrate because I have a wonderful Mom, a wonderful Mom-in-law, and I also grieve for Camille. I haven't yet had the privilege of becoming a mother (sometimes when I witness a spectacular tantrum, I'm not sure I'd like to...) but that doesn't keep me from praying that she'll be able to have that joy sometime. Today I also celebrate because I have a new 'Mom' in my life. You haven't met her yet, you've just heard her name. I'll share more about her in days to come.
Blessings to each of you on this Mother's Day. We don't need a 'Birth Mother's Day' because they can share Mother's Day; they are mothers too.
I spent some of my afternoon yesterday reading a few other adoptees' blogs. Fascinating to see others who have gone before me on this journey. Quite a few had notes about 'Birth Mother's Day'. Hmmm. I hadn't heard of that before. I've just had many bittersweet Mother's Days wondering if my bio-mother, Camille has made any progress in her healing.
When we met a few years ago, she was unable to have children and unintentionally (or otherwise) blamed said problem on me. That's a lot of guilt for someone to carry. Thankfully, I have given that back to God, and hopefully Camille will be able to find some healing in that area too.
So today, I celebrate because I have a wonderful Mom, a wonderful Mom-in-law, and I also grieve for Camille. I haven't yet had the privilege of becoming a mother (sometimes when I witness a spectacular tantrum, I'm not sure I'd like to...) but that doesn't keep me from praying that she'll be able to have that joy sometime. Today I also celebrate because I have a new 'Mom' in my life. You haven't met her yet, you've just heard her name. I'll share more about her in days to come.
Blessings to each of you on this Mother's Day. We don't need a 'Birth Mother's Day' because they can share Mother's Day; they are mothers too.
Saturday, 7 May 2011
Finding the best camping spot
Email to Haley, from Kevin; March 12, 2011
Hi Haley,
Great to hear about your parents, they sound like terrific people, you're very lucky! Lucy sounds pretty lucky too; dogs are great and our kids really love Danny, but it may be Linda and I that spoil him the most.
I bet it's great to work four of five days, I'm all for a long weekend every weekend. Are you and Nick campers at all? If so, you would get the best spots at every campground every week! We do an annual camping trip to the rockies with my in-laws every year, it's really great because when I was younger our annual vacation was in Jasper so I really love that area. (...)
Have a great weekend Haley!
Kevin
We love camping! We try and go a few times a year, even if it's just for a weekend close by with friends.
I was finally able to connect with my parents last night. My Dad was very excited and wanted to hear all about you; my Mom was surprised but happy too. They encouraged me to pursue a relationship with all of you and they look forward to learning more about you too. I'm very relieved, as that was my last big anxiety-causing item in this whole situation.
Last night we had a bunch of friends over for a house concert. Have you heard of those before? Our friend Calvin is an excellent performer and he sang for the evening. It was awesome! We love hosting our family and friends. It's one of my favourite things to do.
So we are going to have a pretty quiet weekend now, that concert was our only big activity. Just lots of laundry and maybe going to the gym. Nick is training for a 10k and I'm training for a 5k. My first run!
Hope you all have a nice weekend too! I hear it's a lot warmer there...I think we're -17 at the moment.
Blessings,
Haley
Great to hear about your parents, they sound like terrific people, you're very lucky! Lucy sounds pretty lucky too; dogs are great and our kids really love Danny, but it may be Linda and I that spoil him the most.
I bet it's great to work four of five days, I'm all for a long weekend every weekend. Are you and Nick campers at all? If so, you would get the best spots at every campground every week! We do an annual camping trip to the rockies with my in-laws every year, it's really great because when I was younger our annual vacation was in Jasper so I really love that area. (...)
Have a great weekend Haley!
Kevin
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Email to Kevin, from Haley; March 12, 2011
I was finally able to connect with my parents last night. My Dad was very excited and wanted to hear all about you; my Mom was surprised but happy too. They encouraged me to pursue a relationship with all of you and they look forward to learning more about you too. I'm very relieved, as that was my last big anxiety-causing item in this whole situation.
Last night we had a bunch of friends over for a house concert. Have you heard of those before? Our friend Calvin is an excellent performer and he sang for the evening. It was awesome! We love hosting our family and friends. It's one of my favourite things to do.
So we are going to have a pretty quiet weekend now, that concert was our only big activity. Just lots of laundry and maybe going to the gym. Nick is training for a 10k and I'm training for a 5k. My first run!
Hope you all have a nice weekend too! I hear it's a lot warmer there...I think we're -17 at the moment.
Blessings,
Haley
-----
Telling my parents was such a relief. I'm so thankful it went as well as it did. At least last time I had told them in advance of my search, so it wasn't a huge surprise. This one was a bit out of nowhere. I'm really blessed to have them.
I'm also fortunate to have a great support system walking alongside me during this time. My husband has been very supportive, and mostly just listens to me talk and talk about it (seemingly endlessly...). He has the patience of a saint. The small group we're a part of has been praying for us as well, and I know that that has had a huge impact on safeguarding everyone involved.
I'm also fortunate to have a great support system walking alongside me during this time. My husband has been very supportive, and mostly just listens to me talk and talk about it (seemingly endlessly...). He has the patience of a saint. The small group we're a part of has been praying for us as well, and I know that that has had a huge impact on safeguarding everyone involved.
Monday, 2 May 2011
My Real Parents
Dear Mom and Dad,
I've tried calling you every night this week, and the phone just rings and rings. I need to tell you before the world finds out my news. Sometimes I'm relieved though, I don't know how to tell you that I'm trying this reunion thing again. It was so hard on all of us last time, I can only hope that this time is different.
I've had such a good life so far. I am so thankful for everything you have done for me. You gave me unconditional love and support from the moment I was placed in your arms. I had every opportunity and privilege as your child. I was accepted and cherished as though I was your biological daughter. I remember seeing the pleased look in your eyes whenever someone would say, "Haley you look so much like your Mom", or "Haley you look so much like your Dad". It was one more blessing that God gave us as a family, that I even looked like both of you.
I learned so much from each of you. How to be empathetic, how to care for those around me, how to be a good parent (well, I guess time will tell if I learned that one!). Mom you taught me your faith, Dad you taught me how to teach others. I am eternally grateful that I am like each of you in different ways.
Searching for biological parents is not an easy decision. The number one barrier to searching is the horrible feeling that you may possibly hurt your real parents, the ones who raised, nurtured and loved you. Somehow the curiosity became overwhelming, and the hope I have in searching is balanced by the security I have knowing that you will still be there for me. Whether I am rejected again by my biological mother, whether I am left unnoticed by my biological father. You will be there, and I am confident of that. How blessed am I to be able to say that without reservation. There are many children who could not say that of their parents.
I don't know how else to say thank you, or that I'm sorry if you feel like you weren't enough. You are enough, and you will always be enough. For an adoptee there's always the biological question mark on their heart. That's just the way it is, I can't explain it.
I love you both!
Perhaps I'll be able to remember some of these words when I tell you...
I've tried calling you every night this week, and the phone just rings and rings. I need to tell you before the world finds out my news. Sometimes I'm relieved though, I don't know how to tell you that I'm trying this reunion thing again. It was so hard on all of us last time, I can only hope that this time is different.
I've had such a good life so far. I am so thankful for everything you have done for me. You gave me unconditional love and support from the moment I was placed in your arms. I had every opportunity and privilege as your child. I was accepted and cherished as though I was your biological daughter. I remember seeing the pleased look in your eyes whenever someone would say, "Haley you look so much like your Mom", or "Haley you look so much like your Dad". It was one more blessing that God gave us as a family, that I even looked like both of you.
I learned so much from each of you. How to be empathetic, how to care for those around me, how to be a good parent (well, I guess time will tell if I learned that one!). Mom you taught me your faith, Dad you taught me how to teach others. I am eternally grateful that I am like each of you in different ways.
Searching for biological parents is not an easy decision. The number one barrier to searching is the horrible feeling that you may possibly hurt your real parents, the ones who raised, nurtured and loved you. Somehow the curiosity became overwhelming, and the hope I have in searching is balanced by the security I have knowing that you will still be there for me. Whether I am rejected again by my biological mother, whether I am left unnoticed by my biological father. You will be there, and I am confident of that. How blessed am I to be able to say that without reservation. There are many children who could not say that of their parents.
I don't know how else to say thank you, or that I'm sorry if you feel like you weren't enough. You are enough, and you will always be enough. For an adoptee there's always the biological question mark on their heart. That's just the way it is, I can't explain it.
I love you both!
Perhaps I'll be able to remember some of these words when I tell you...
Thursday, 28 April 2011
The First Email
Message: to Kevin, from Haley: "I'm amazed too that FB could bring us together! My email address is ______________ maybe we could email back and forth a bit? I'd love to hear about you and your family."
When I contacted Camille, my biological mother, I wrote a letter to the 22 year old address that was listed in my adoption records. I gave my university dorm address (just a box number) as well as an email address in the hopes they would contact me. The first email I received from the Stewart family was from my biological grandfather. It was charming and heart-warming. I saved it to this day.
Here are two of my favourite lines:
"In the unhappy event that Camille decides not to meet you, I hope you'll keep that option open for us."
"I think I've stayed in the background about 22 years too long."
Whenever I feel the need to reminisce, I pull out my adoption folder and re-read some of the first emails I ever received from Camille and her father. My first email from Camille was warm and filled with the hope of a lasting relationship ("I have always wanted to know you"); my last email from her cut contact with me, seemingly permanently (You're not getting a quote from that one.).
Today I did a search of my email to find the first email from Kevin. Already there are over 50 emails from only two months of contact.
Here's the first one, sent moments after he received my Facebook message (above):
Hi Haley,
Sounds good. I use my work e-mail for pretty much everything…
When I contacted Camille, my biological mother, I wrote a letter to the 22 year old address that was listed in my adoption records. I gave my university dorm address (just a box number) as well as an email address in the hopes they would contact me. The first email I received from the Stewart family was from my biological grandfather. It was charming and heart-warming. I saved it to this day.
Here are two of my favourite lines:
"In the unhappy event that Camille decides not to meet you, I hope you'll keep that option open for us."
"I think I've stayed in the background about 22 years too long."
Whenever I feel the need to reminisce, I pull out my adoption folder and re-read some of the first emails I ever received from Camille and her father. My first email from Camille was warm and filled with the hope of a lasting relationship ("I have always wanted to know you"); my last email from her cut contact with me, seemingly permanently (You're not getting a quote from that one.).
Today I did a search of my email to find the first email from Kevin. Already there are over 50 emails from only two months of contact.
Here's the first one, sent moments after he received my Facebook message (above):
Hi Haley,
Sounds good. I use my work e-mail for pretty much everything…
Kevin
Talk about leaving the ball in my court! So I pondered what Kevin would most like to know about me, and I decided the first thing I would want from my long-lost daughter would be a picture. I sent a wedding photo and a graduation photo. Afterwards I wondered if they would be seen with joyful eyes, or would they be a sad reminder of the things that have been missed.
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