Normal

Ordinary. Expected. Routine.

All I can think about these days is how to return to normal. I used to delight in being different, mostly; now it seems nearly shameful that I would relish anything but being normal. I would love to blend into the walls, hide away in a crowd of people who won’t glance twice at me. Instead I stay in bed, hoping that when I wake up things will be back to normal.

I suppose this is the great sadness talking. The last few weeks have been slowly sucking me into a bleak place. It’s familiar. Like family should be. Now there’s so many families to blend together I have no sense of what is familiar. Just the sadness. That is more and more comfortable as the days wear on.

This is the happiest reunion I’ve ever heard about, read about, lived, and yet it’s still so much to bear. How on earth does the life-altering change into the new normal? I have no concept of what that will even be.

I recognize the signs in myself when I know the darkness is layering on. I have an appointment with someone who specializes in reunions...get this...it’s on my birthday. Can someone ask Alanis if that’s ironic please?

I’ll let you know when I’m back to my new normal.

Three Halves Make Me Whole

In the excitement of this reunion, I've been able to share my news with many of my friends and family.

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"I've found my biological father! And I have three siblings!" <-- That's me, very excited.

Most common response, "Wow! Are they full or half siblings?"

My interior dialogue, That's the first question? Really? Out of, 'how did you find him?' or 'what are they like?' or just about a million more interesting questions...

Me, stunned "Ummm, half I guess."

Their reply, "Half eh? Well, that's still really something."
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If you're one of those people that asked me that question, don't feel too badly. After all, it wasn't just you. I think I've been asked that about a dozen times. Including yesterday, which is what brought this post to the forefront.

It amazes me that could be the most important question in someone's mind.

For me, when I discovered I had siblings, all I could think was, Thank you God! I have a brother and two sisters... how much more blessed could I be? I wasn't thinking about 'half' or 'step' or whatever. That is so inconsequential for an adoptee. It really is. When you are raised with an adopted family, no one in your life shares any biological relationship with you. Not even 10%. It's a miracle to find a biological parent (and they're only 1/2 of your DNA FYI). How much greater to also find a brother (who is an amazing, mature soul) and two sisters (one who shares much of my personality and the other I've called effervescent... both are treasures).

Half or full, doesn't matter in my mind. In my new family, three halves have made me whole.

Emotional Baggage

I carry around a lot of great luggage.

Trust me, my favourite suitcase is this beautiful glossy-cherry-red. It's hard-sided, spins like a dream and it is completely 'me'. I have a Miche purse (gift from my mother-in-law), which is wonderfully versatile (and I really should start selling them based on the sheer number of people who have purchased them after seeing mine). I also have my favourite lunch-book-shopping-whatever bag that is covered with sunflowers (another gift from my mother-in-law; she knows my taste!).

I think I have great luggage because I have become very adept at carrying around loads of emotional baggage. I can do this with great ease now, most likely because I have so much practice at disguising ugly things and calling them alluring names.

Please take a look at this leather valise and meet Camille. She's my biological mother, and has rejected me again as an adult. I don't always remember to bring her with me, but most of the time I have her sitting next to the desk in my office; at home she sits in the front closet except for nights when sleep is particularly troublesome, then she's tucked beside my nightstand.

The next one is a real bother to carry around I'm afraid, would you lift that end for me? This very heavy trunk has been with me all my 27 years. I'll admit, it's a little bit '80s' but, it was born in 1983 after all. The big sticker slapped across the front "You're Adopted! And Therefore Different". I used to showcase this trunk as a bit of a trophy when I was in elementary school. I reveled in being unique. But sometimes it would be nice to be able to blend in a bit. Hard to do when you're carrying around a trunk all the time, although it is a handy place to sit when you're waiting for a bus.

This one is particularly heavy, I know it's deceivingly small. A tiny white box, just about exactly the size you may keep an engagement ring in, until the time is right. This box doesn't carry a diamond. I'm not sure of the contents, only that every few weeks it opens up on its own and I become completely flooded with emotions. I haven't been able to put my finger on what opens this box of its own accord, sure would be nice to find the trigger someday.

That's it for the today's tour. I do however have a huge walk-in closet, that contains many boxes, old purses, suitcases, even a few briefcases. Maybe I'll show you some more of them another day.

Our First Phone Call

Linda has agreed to allow me to share her thoughts about our first phone call.

I really wanted to talk with you because I am quite shy and I wanted you to be comfortable for our first visit. I assumed that talking with you would help you and I overcome the initial awkwardness of meeting new people. I was also feeling quite left out by this time...you and Kevin were corresponding quite regularly (many times a day in fact) and the kids and you were doing the same. It was during this period of the reunion that I felt sure that I was never going to be loved by you and that the "division" in my family was sure to come. My feelings were all over the map. I was experiencing anxiety like I have only ever heard about. My mantra was "Dear God, help me".

The time was here that I would need to pick up the phone and talk with you. "Dear God, Your will be done in this call...help me, help us." I don' t really remember what we talked about but I do remember hanging up the phone and feeling a calm and tranquility that I had not felt previously. I had made another step in welcoming you into our family. God was pleased.

Looking back...lots of pain but I had the definite assurance that God wanted this. What could I do...deny God? He was asking me to accept my husband's daughter. How could I say no? What could I have done differently? Hindsight tells me that had I not accepted you, I would have caused division in my family.

Linda

I remember before our call I was terribly nervous. I'm shy, you're shy...are we going to sit in silence for ten minutes before one of us has enough courage to speak? You called at exactly the time you said you would, and when I answered I was stunned. You're not shy on the phone! In fact, you're quite chatty, and it was great. You were completely friendly, welcoming, just lovely. After we hung up, I was so disappointed our call was over. I could have talked with you for a few hours. I'm so glad the anxiety was gone. I too felt at peace.

Haley

Secret Fears

Email to Haley, from Linda; March 23, 2011

Haley,

Does the Focus 3 Bible Course end in June? Sounds amazing. When you lead a Bible Study, do you host it in your home? In the church? (...) Thanks for the link to your church. I am listening to a sermon by one of your pastors right now. He is also doing a PowerPoint presentation. Do you help him with that? This sermon is wonderful! He has a real love for the Lord doesn’t he?

(...) At 28 years old I had a conversion...2 years after our marriage. I learned all about the love of Jesus and His Divine Mercy. I suspect all of Heaven celebrated the day I finally accepted Him! It’s quite a beautiful story...one which I will share with you face to face.

Thanks for the pic of your parents! (...)

I can only pray that the kids will all find godly spouses. How happy I am that your marriage is built upon Jesus. You are so blessed and Nick is just as blessed to have a godly wife!

OK enough for now! I’ll call you tomorrow.

In Christ,

Linda

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Email to Linda, from Haley; March 23, 2011

Hi Linda,

Our Focus 3 course runs from September to the end of May. It wraps up with "High Adventure Camp" where our group (there's 14 of us, including our senior pastor and his wife) goes white water rafting, high ropes course, horseback riding, etc. It's kind of like teambuilding. I'm very excited about it! It sounds scary and my goal is to try everything! It's been a very meaningful year together so far. Like I said, we write our 'stories' and then we actually share them with the group. It's been so cool to share everything, dark times and all, and still be loved and accepted. They've been praying for us as we reunite, and they were thrilled to hear about you and know that your family is Christian. They're my other family :)

When we lead our small group, we took turns hosting. Often it was here, but other couples took their turn too. We'd meet every other Sunday night and always start with dinner first. It's a great way to get to know people!

My favourite Bible studies have all been by Beth Moore. Have you done any of those? They're ladies Bible studies with a dvd and a workbook with lots of homework!

I can't wait to hear your faith story. I love how God uses different things in each of our lives to draw us closer to Him. Tonight I'm volunteering on our Healing Prayer Ministry team. It's amazing to be a part of, I'll have to tell you about it some time. It's been a huge part of my faith story too :)

Yes I do all the PowerPoint for our pastors (I actually build it in Keynote - Mac software). I love doing that! It's so fun.

Well, I gotta run to my appointment! I look forward to our chat tomorrow!

Blessings,

Haley

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All the while, when Linda and I are emailing happy, hope-filled emails to each other...we were both having major anxiety. I'm panicking that she won't want to add another daughter; she's worried that I don't want another mother.

Here's the thing I've learned in the last few years. We have an enemy, and he is not really impressed when God's plans are moving ahead. So he tries to interfere, and he attacks us in ways that will steal our joy. But I've also learned that he doesn't have original ideas. He was putting the same fears into both of our minds.

And we agreed to talk on the phone. To each other. While we're both secretly panicking. I can't wait to show you how it turns out! Tomorrow's post is going to be worth getting up early for :)

A city on a hill

Email to Haley, from Linda; March 23, 2011

Dear Haley,

I too wear my heart on sleeve!

We would love to have you come to Mass with us. Initially, when the plan was that you would come on Easter, Daniel wondered which church you would go to. Our piano teacher is Baptist so we thought we would ask her the service times etc. Most people wear casual wear, jeans etc. The girls and I wear dresses (but that is not unusual for me since I mainly only wear skirts). Do you and Nick go to Bible Study? Is Nick's Dad a Baptist minister? (...) Whew, so many questions :)

I will call you on Thursday evening. Over time, phone calls will be a piece of cake. (...)

Haley, would you be able to send us a picture of your parents? I would love to know what they look like (I am a very visual person). When I saw the pics of you, my heart melted. The one where you are wearing your graduation gown seemed to tell me that you were a gentle, loving soul!

Hope you have a great day!

Blessings,
Linda
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Email to Linda, from Haley; March 23, 2011

Hi Linda,

I think I've only been to Mass once or twice. I went in Jasper one time when we were there on a family trip. It was a world religions class assignment! It was different than what I'm used to :) I remember being confused about when to stand, sit, what to say/sing...I needed someone to show me!

Nick and I do attend a Bible study. We go every Tuesday night, and we really enjoy it. We led a Bible study group ourselves for a few years (we call them small groups). This year we're doing a program called Focus 3, and it's a leadership development Bible study course. One of our assignments was to write our life story and see where God's hand has been on each aspect of our lives. Writing that was what actually led me to decided to search for Kevin.

Yes Nick's dad is a Baptist pastor. Nick grew up very Baptist. (...) I'm not too concerned about denominations. I'm more concerned with people actually finding out who Jesus is and wanting a personal relationship with Him. In my opinion, no church has sole claim on that.

This picture of my parents is from last May; we went to visit them for their 40th wedding anniversary.

I look forward to your call!

Blessings,

Haley

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So strange talking about faith and church via email. It's not usually something I talk about with, for all intents and purposes, strangers. Amazingly, it's not as awkward as I thought it would be. Faith is a huge part of my life, and obviously of Linda's as well. Glad that isn't going to be a stumbling point for us.

Sending her a picture of my parents...now that was a delicate decision. It's not like I think my parents will be running into them at the supermarket; they do live about four hours apart. It still felt like I was giving up some sacred information. I certainly considered declining Linda's request. I can't put my finger on why it made me uncomfortable. In the end, I decided it would be more honouring to my parents to share their photo, than to hide them away. Just as I choose to keep my city on a hill and reveal my faith in Jesus, I will share my parents with Linda. I know it's only a photo...but somehow it represents more than that.

I feel like I already know you

"I've read your entire blog and I feel like I already know you."

I was told that last week by a very dear, sweet gentleman. I'm sure it was meant as a sign of interest in me, and as a sincere compliment; he's enjoying learning about the addition to his extended family.

Instead of a compliment, I took it as a scary fact. My life is out there! For the world to judge. Not only my life, but also those of whose emails I've shared. My new family. Funny story about that...Linda's brother found out about his niece's favourite author by reading her email to me, on the blog. Oh, to live that one down! How can we share more about our lives on a blog than in real life?

I think I've felt fairly anonymous writing my story up to this point. I know my parents are reading it, my new family reads it (some of them religiously...), some of my facebook friends are reading it, that some fellow bloggers (strangers from afar) have taken interest. But now I know that people I will be meeting, that will likely be a part of my life to some extent, are reading it even prior to meeting me. That is a weird feeling. Very weird.

I feel I should issue a little challenge to you. You know who you are. You haven't commented on a post yet and you don't publicly follow the blog. Unless you do something like that, you're getting all the benefit of this one-sided relationship, and I'm just getting one more hit on my blog counter. I'd love for you to introduce yourself...you don't have to share your life story, that can still be my half of the relationship. In fact, I'm truly honoured and very appreciative that you would spend your valuable time reading about my life. 

I guess what I'm saying is, I'd rather know you're around now. Otherwise, the first time we meet I'll shake hands with you, and you'll say "I've read your entire blog and I feel like I already know you." Then I'll have this awkward moment where I fumble for words like, "thank you?" or "are you 'hog11'?" And then, I'll have to write a blog post about you...

Reunion; Take Two

I haven't heard from my biological mother, Camille, in about five and a half years. I sent her flowers a few weeks ago. A bouquet of gerber daisies, if you're curious. I remember when I visited her home, on our very first meeting, she had gerber daisies out on her dining room table. They are one of my favourite flowers, so naturally I commented on them. Camille told me they were her favourite. Funny how I vividly remember those flowers, and yet everything else from that night is a blur.

Why on earth would I subject myself to further rejection? I'm not sure. Perhaps I'm just a sucker for punishment. Or hopelessly optimistic...

Dear Camille,

I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately and felt compelled to write to you. I’m so sorry that our first reunion didn’t work out. It was very difficult for everyone involved, but I can’t help think it was hardest on you.

You’re the one with the painful memories of a teenage mother, who seemingly had no choices. You’re the one with hurts as an adult of probably the worst timing for a reunion, when you were trying to start your own family. It makes me cry just to think of this sorrow that I brought back up to the surface for you. I know sorry isn’t a big enough word, but it’s all I can give.

I’m not writing to bring back bad memories, though I’m sure I have even by having my name on the outside of this envelope...instead I just want you to know that I’m still here. I’ve grown up a bit more, have a few more years behind me, a few more grey hairs, and a bit more life experience to know that I should have been a lot kinder and more gracious in our first reunion.

I hope you are doing well. I think of you often, and wonder how life has been to you these last few years. I’ll be turning 28 in a couple of months. Wow time flies. Life’s too short for me not to give this relationship another try.

Lesson learned for next time: slower is better. I still can’t believe we met on the very first night! So much for my impulsive teenager-like tendencies! I promise I’ve grown up past that, well, mostly!

Let me just close with, I’m still here. Still interested in knowing you. 

Haley

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It's been a few weeks now. Still haven't heard anything from her. If I'm very honest with you, I'm not surprised. Disappointed? Hmmmm, mildly. But I have many people in my life that love me, care about me, actually want to invest time in me. I can't get hung up on the one that doesn't. Well, I could, but I'll try not to...

Happy Belated Father's Day

Due to our postal strike in Canada, I have had to delay this post until my Dad received his card! Only a few weeks late...I believe he got it in the mail on Thursday. This will be a rare fast-forward glimpse into our reunion. I've had the pressure turned up on me to get to the present story, so here's me caving to pressure, yet again :)
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Today I stood in front of a wall of Father's Day cards.

I don't even send cards every year to my parents for Mother's Day or Father's Day. Our family believes in the conspiracy theories about the corporate card companies scheming to steal pennies from innocent card-giving victims on pseudo-made-up-holidays. But sometimes I do send them, and I thought it was especially important this year of all years.

I chose my Dad's card first. That one was easy,

     From your Daughter on Father's Day
     If I had asked God to give me
     the best Dad in the world...
     His answer still would have been you! (...)

Now for Kevin's card. The first ever Father's Day card he's going to receive from me. I wept.

So many cards with sappy poems...
So many with fond memories of childhood...
So many with the cute little girl standing on her Daddy's feet...
So many tears.

I couldn't see through the tears, so I'm not certain that there were many strange looks shot my way, but I suppose it's likely there were.

I'm torn in half standing in front of this wall. I have a Dad, and now I have a new Dad, and I don't want to hurt my Dad, and I want to include my new Dad, and am I even allowed to call him Dad?

I choose this, the only one that seems right,

     I'm thanking God for you, Dad...
     and praying your Father's Day is happy and blessed.

I think that's a pretty good gift. He gets to share the title now, Dad. Hope all of my Dads are ok with that.

To fake or not to fake

Email to Linda, from Haley; March 22, 2011

Hi Linda,

I often wear my heart on my sleeve, so if I express emotions I hope that doesn't scare you! I just try and be really honest about what my reality is. I never want to be the kind of Christian that pastes on a happy face and gives the impression that following Christ is a cakewalk. That's my reasoning behind the 'heart on my sleeve' mentality :)

I appreciate very much the fact that you are all trying to be very sensitive to me. I'm probably a handful to keep up with! I know that one email I sent to Kevin was probably not as sensitive as it could have been, but he was so gracious about it. I know I don't always have the censor that I probably need to have, so I hope you're ok with telling me when things are too much as well. (...)

I don't really know too much about Catholicism, so feel free to educate me! I'm very interested in learning more about what you believe. We would love to attend a service with you when we're out in April; I really want to see your church! Do you dress up when you go? Our church is pretty casual, so we often wear jeans.

Linda, I'd be delighted to chat with you on the phone. I'm sure Kevin probably told you about our phone call, but it was soooo much better than skype, and much less awkward. There's just something about one-on-one that's better for me too. I can definitely be shy and I especially don't like large groups, so I think a phone call would be great. (...)

Hope you have a great day! I look forward to our chat!

Blessings, Haley

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I can't decide what's harder. Living life pretending to be happy, or actually letting people see inside my heart. I've done both, and most of the time I think being authentic is the way to go. But sometimes, especially when I feel really vulnerable, I wish I could go back to pasting on a happy face. As much energy as putting on a facade takes, it feels like that might be easier than letting someone in to see the real me.

Though I would like to hide behind a smile, eventually it will come out that I'm just a broken girl. Desperate for healing, craving acceptance, thrilled that anyone would want to phone me even if it's just to find out what my favourite foods are. 

Better to be the real me; I don't think I have the energy to fake it if I wanted to. 

Great Expectations

Email to Haley, from Linda; March 22, 2011

Dear Haley,

To begin, I want to tell you how relieved I am that you are feeling better. On Sunday, I spent an hour and a half writing you an e-mail only to have Kevin tell me not to send it! E-mails are really tough for me since we interpret them through our own lenses. So what I thought would be a warm and comforting letter for you, Kevin thought differently and said it may be too much! Oh well, soon we’ll have a face-to-face visit which I am really looking forward to! (...)

Kevin keeps telling me to keep the e-mails simple so I will follow his advice. I thought it would be nice to phone you and ask about the kinds of foods you and Nick like to eat. It would give us a chance to talk and to feel more comfortable with each other! (...) I love heart to heart, one-on-one talks! I certainly look forward to these talks with you (if you are willing) I can’t wait to hear all about you...every little detail!

In Christ,
Linda

PS In regards to one of your e-mails to Kev...Kevin is right...you can’t screw anything up! Haley we don’t have any expectations! It’s hard to disappoint people when they don’t expect anything...really :) We are grateful that we can get to know you and we will take things one step at a time!

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She's so sweet. I am completely impressed by this woman. I still can't get over how she could welcome me into her family, without even knowing who I am. "I can't wait to hear all about you...every little detail!" Am I ready for that? I guess I'm going to have to be!

Can you believe this thing about no expectations? No expectations? As much as I have tried to keep my expectations low, to protect myself from disappointment, I still have expectations. I don't think I could define what they are, but there are definitely hopes and they are growing rapidly. 

It's sort of impossible not to have expectations, don't you think? 

Planning a Visit

I feel like I haven't written in so long that I forgot where I was in the story!

Quick re-set; had our first Skype call, I had a little meltdown, then Kevin and I talked on the phone and I calmed down a bit, Nick and I discussed and decided to do a visit.

Email to Haley, from Kevin; March 21, 2011 

Hi Haley,

I enjoyed the call as well, it isn't often I don't have something to say, and at times I was at a loss for words!

Great to hear you're going to jump in and come visit, in my calendar the 16-17 is better, and Linda is going to check her outlook and let me know this morning, and I'll ph you this afternoon. (...)

I'm glad to hear you're doing better, e-mail is a double edged sword for sure, more time to think writing, more time to misinterpret reading! (...)

I'll talk to you later Haley, I know once the arrangements are made, the kids will be excited, and Sarah can begin prepping her long golden hair! (ha ha)

Kevin
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Kevin called me in the afternoon, and we tried to pick a weekend. Who knew it would be so complicated? There was Easter weekend in there, Nick and I already had plans to go to Invermere, another weekend we had volunteer commitments, I think Daniel had a scout camp one weekend, and Amy had a birthday date with her Mom another weekend. It looked like June would be the earliest date. *sigh* How on earth could I wait three more months?

Later that day, and after 3 or 4 calls we finally picked a date that was nearly perfect. Can you believe that my dear sister Amy willingly gave up a birthday night out with her Mom, just to meet me? What a treasure that girl is. She had already emailed me that she was going to a concert in Seattle by one of her favourite artists, and that it was going to be a special evening out, topped off with a night spent in a hotel! I knew she was really looking forward to it, and I didn't want to be associated with taking away a treat like that. But Amy was so gracious, and seemed to be more excited about meeting me than a night out. They still planned to attend the concert, but would only miss a few hours with Nick and I, not a whole day.

Just over 5 weeks from today, Nick and I will meet them all face-to-face! I don't want to sell him out here, but Kevin sounded so excited on the phone, it was kind of like talking to an eager child a few days before Christmas. I was also looking forward to a visit, but had enough anxiety to temper the excitement down to a more palatable level. I hope that didn't come across on the phone as ambivalence...

It's all about me.

When I started to share my story through this blog, I mistakenly thought it was all about me. I needed to write to process all my feelings, to keep them from swirling around in my head. Big life change, lengthy mental processing needed.

At the beginning of the reunion, I used up all my free time with my husband talking on and on about my new family. At dinner, on date night, during hockey games. Note to self: Don't talk to your husband during a hockey game unless your sentence has the word 'wings' or 'pizza', preceded by, "do you want more ______"? He's not interested in hearing about the latest email from my little sister when the game is in overtime. Trust me, that email was way more interesting that the overtime period.

My friends, surprisingly, were not all interested in every moment of my reunion tale. One even interrupted me in the middle of my story, and said, "oh no, I didn't mean I wanted to hear all of that, I just wanted to know it was going well." Oh. So you don't want me to ramble on for hours at a time? I listen to you talk about your kids for hours, I guess it doesn't go both ways.

I needed another outlet, and a blog seemed to be a good choice. It helped me untangle weeks of pent up thoughts and emotions. Unpacking story by story was incredibly helpful to my mental health.

I haven't felt the compulsion to write every day for a while; *spoiler warning* I do have a post saved up about Father's Day, but with the mail strike in Canada, I didn't want to post it until my Dad actually got his Father's Day card, since the post is all about choosing Father's Day cards.

Since I stopped writing for a few weeks, I've been getting bombarded with advice as to how to 'cure writer's block' or 'just jump ahead to the present story'. I was told that a certain member of my new family now sleeps in again, because she used to get up early to see what I had written, and now doesn't bother. Ouch.

Ok, I can take the hint! It's important to them to meet me here at the blog every morning. They get a glimpse of me, of my heart, answers to questions they might be too shy to ask, something extra that helps them process this reunion thing too.

And here I thought the blog was all about me...

The real question is, when will they read the new post! Since they're not in the habit of checking every day... :)

A day in my time-travelling shoes

I suppose I'll be shifting around a bit more through time with the blog for the next while, as I'm opting for keeping conversations together rather than keeping to the exact timeline. We'll see how this goes :)

Email to Haley, from Linda; March 19, 2011 

Dear Haley,

I can’t tell you how wonderful it was to speak with you and Nick today! You are so beautiful...and that smile!!!  (...)

I’m trying to imagine what it would be like to be in your shoes...and it is difficult to know what you may be feeling/thinking. I just want you to know that we are glad that you made that first call. I am so grateful that you are such a “good” girl and will be a great role model for the girls. I think God has a great future for us all and I trust completely in His plans.

Today, a Skype call....next, a real visit!!! How exciting!

In Christ,

Linda

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Email to Linda, from Haley; March 19, 2011 

Dear Linda,

I loved seeing you all in 'real life'. It's so much better than just a picture! It was hard for me to concentrate on talking I was so busy taking it all in! Sorry I didn't have much to say, I think I was a bit in shock. (...)

Emotional doesn't begin to describe me today. I'm a wreck. Happy sad nervous anxious scared excited all at once. I smile reading through the emails and then I'm bawling because I'm afraid of messing this up. Overall just a wreck. I spent the rest of the evening trying to write an email to Kevin. Nick is still working on the truck, so I used a half a box of Kleenex on my own :)

I want to get to know everyone and I don't want to slow things down with you all, but it's definitely an emotional time!

Blessings,
Haley

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Half a box of kleenex, home alone with the keyboard and the dog...if I drank much, I think tonight would be the night to get out a bottle of (insert your favourite drink here). But I don't, so it was just me, the kleenex, the keyboard and the dog. I can't call anyone because I don't know what I'd say. I looked so forward to the Skype call, and then had this terrible breakdown immediately afterward. Where's the DSM-IV TR when you need it? Perhaps I'm not quite the 'great role model' Linda has in mind.

The Phone Call

My last entry left me napping on the couch with a phone, wondering if Kevin was going to call me.

He did!

We talked for about an hour, and it was amazing. I know I didn’t hold up my end of the conversation as well as I would have liked, but it was a lot better than skype...no question. It’s been so long since the call, I am struggling to remember everything we talked about, but I do remember that it was so good.

Kevin was friendly and open to learning more about me. He engaged me with many questions (which is essential when talking to someone who can be as shy as I can). He answered some of my burning questions about when I was born. I don’t know how many turning points my story will require, but this was another major one for me.

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Email to Haley, from Kevin; March 20, 2011 

Hi Haley, 

I really enjoyed talking to you today, e-mail is good, talking is better, as you said, tough to read emotion in an e-mail. 

I just put the old salmon on the bbq, and Linda and I were talking and I wanted to clarify something about the kids. When I said that Linda asked the kids to slow down with the e-mail, what we are after is to not overwhelm you, but we are not asking the kids to stop. You need to know that as of when we told our kids about you, we would not cut you or them off. There will always be ebbs and flows, but they are natural and I don't want you to think you have to walk on eggshells or anything like that.

We're very happy to get to know you and welcome you however much you want to be welcomed.

Kevin 
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Email to Kevin, from Haley; March 20, 2011 

Hi Kevin,

So our phone call today is my favourite interaction so far. It was so nice to talk with you and get to know you better. I am astounded at how genuine and caring you are. I never expected to be that lucky! I guess what I'm trying to say is let's do that again :)

I talked with Nick and we decided that we should just jump in and do a visit! (...) Let me know what you think, and we can plan from there. (...) 

I'm feeling a lot better since our chat. I think I just needed to get past the 'this is always going to be extremely awkward' to 'this is natural' stage. Thank you for spending that time with me today, I really appreciate it.

Blessings,
Haley

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Asking for something I want

Email to Kevin, from Haley; March 20, 2011

Hi Kevin,

(...)

If I'm honest, I checked my email about every 10 minutes last night until I finally fell asleep (and then again when I was up very early this morning...I'm turning into a real junkie!). I was very concerned about what you might say, but as always you're very kind and understanding; thank you.

I don't mind when you tell me about who I look like or sound like, I just don't know who you're talking about! I'm used to years and years of, wow you look so much like your mom or dad, and laughing it off because I'm adopted... I'll have to show you a picture of them sometime, we do look pretty similar, it's kind of funny :)

I love watching Dragon's Den. I never watch the news anymore. I read it all online. We try and go to a couple Eskimos games every year, but I'm not as interested in sports as I used to be. Nick loves watching cfl and hockey. I got him tix to the Oilers vs Flames next Sunday for his birthday. I can't believe he's turning 28. That means I'm not far behind...

Visits...I wish I had someone to tell me what to do! My heart's desire is to meet you in person, I would love to do that and I've been checking out WestJet flights since I found out where you live. We're going to Invermere at Easter and I thought you guys could come out and we could meet on neutral ground. I was excited when Amy told me you usually come to Edmonton once a year. I'm confused. You say it's up to me about timing...but I'd like to know what you want. I need some help on this one.

Nick would like to add something...

"You have been very gracious about how you've dealt with the whole situation and very sensitive to Haley's feelings. I appreciate that you've been willing to share about yourselves freely. Your thoughtfulness and way you've handled the emails, skype etc. has been beyond what I would have ever expected."

We're going to be home all afternoon today, if you're not busy, why don't you call me and we could try and talk about what to do next? And I want to hear about what you were thinking when you got my first message on facebook!

Blessings, Haley
-----

As awkward as Skype was, I still was craving contact with Kevin. I don't know why I wrote that I wanted him to call me, because I am terrible at asking for things that I need or want. Terrible! But I did, and as soon as I hit send, I became completely worried again. Too much too soon; How could I be so desperate; It's going to push him away. I wrote earlier about 'the irony of being needy' and here I am again.

The worst part of this email? Putting it out there that I hoped he would call, but not knowing if he would. I went downstairs and napped on the couch with a phone. How sad to admit that! I'm pretty sure it's things like this that make my husband think I'm a tad crazy...

Acceptance

Email to Haley, from Kevin; March 20, 2011

Good Morning Haley,

We watched the movie Secretariat after we went for a bike ride to the gelato shack in town. And it was during that movie that I read your e-mail, but I couldn't respond just then. The movie was terrific, I would recommend it, but your note left me with not much to say - which anyone here would tell you that's impossible. It was terrific to see you and Nick as well, skype is indeed good at helping the overwhelm.

I certainly appreciate your comment regarding flying blind as for sure you don't have the benefit of knowing the rest of our family; after some reflection I think we would have preferred not to make some of the comments about your voice or mannerisms that might be similar to others in my family. We forget we're new to you. And that there are 5 of us!

Expectations are crazy things, huh?

I can't speak to the TV shows you mentioned, I watch the news, MASH, The Dragon's Den, and CFL football; but that's pretty much it, we didn't even have cable until the CBC lost the football rights to TSN! I do know that lots of tv is a train wreck! So best not to set our expectations off of what's on tv.

I really don't know what my expectations are Haley. We would love to have you and Nick for a weekend if you guys would like that. I'm certainly ok wih phone calls and going slowly, as I know we are starting with very little other than perhaps desire to know more about where we come from and our history. We're just going to have to muddle our way.

Camille...

Haley, there's no such thing as screwing it up. 

When you told me about your history with Camille I felt very badly about your experience for you, and for Camille and her husband as well, I couldn't imagine how hard it was for all of you.

So back to not screwing it up; we're trying to find our way you and I, and Linda and Nick are caught in the crossfire! I'm thinking there are times where they are thinking, 'what is happening here?'...there are so many layers its mind boggling, so as I've said to Linda, let's keep it simple. Keeping it simple will help us determine where to go and how fast and all that stuff. If I were to die today (I have no such plans!) I'd be very happy with what we have been able to share with each other in the past few weeks.

Frankly I'm very proud of how you and I have made out since your first e-mail. Especially when you consider our limited experience with these types of situations :) !

My cell number is _________, our home number is _________. Phone anytime.

Have a super day Haley, I hope I haven't thrown too much at you here; for me, I'm very supportive of you (and by extension Nick) and whatever speed you two want to go at is good for me.

Kevin

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I don't know what to say. I think I finally understand that this reunion can be different. Kevin's letting me set the pace; He can handle my desperate emails; I don't know what I can do that will push them away. Being accepted just as I am is a strange feeling that I'm not used to. I'm unsure of how to process this. 

Reality Check

We hung up after the skype call and I was in shock.

The first thing my husband said to me, “You sure didn’t talk much!”. I didn’t? I didn’t really notice! I tend to be pretty shy, so that’s not really a surprise. And what was I supposed to say anyway? I was too busy trying to take it all in to have room left to think about what to say.

Then I had a mini freak out. Maybe a huge freak out. How can Kevin look like a stranger when we’ve been sharing life stuff for a few weeks already?

It was so different to see them live. I’ve seen pictures, and they look exactly the same as their pictures, but now they’re real.

It’s hard to explain, not as though I thought they were ‘fake’ but to know each person is real, and what they have emailed me is really from each of them; I think of the kids especially. Their personalities shone through each email. I can tell just by reading the writing who each email is from if I never saw the reply address or a signature. To match that up to a live face is overwhelming.

It was like I’ve been living in a fog-filled dream world for the last two weeks, and then today in twenty minutes I had my eyes truly opened. The mist cleared away and this was my reality. I’m the plus-one in a new family.
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Email to Kevin, from Haley; March 19, 2011 

Hi Kevin, 

This is the first email to you that I'm struggling to write! I hope you can read this with filtered lenses please, I am going to be as honest as I can be - but sometimes I know I can come across as critical instead of honest, and I don't do too well at censoring myself. So please read it with grace lenses :) and I'll ask for forgiveness in advance. 

It was so wonderful to see you all 'face to face'. Somehow it makes it seem so much more real.

I'm embarrassed that I didn't say much; I'm sorry. I was sort of in shock I guess. There's 5 of you and only one of me, and it's hard for me to take it all in and still have room left in my brain to think about what to say next. With emails it's so much easier because I can take the time I need to think. I'm a fairly quiet person when I don't know people well, and I'm even worse in groups. If I'm at a table with 10 of my dearest friends, it takes a lot to prompt me to join in the conversation.

All that being said...I think I need to right-size my expectations. I've been having these grandiose ideas about visiting for a weekend or I don't know, just big plans for an ideal reunion. I have to quit watching tv shows like The Locator and Find My Family! I guess it's easy to splice a 60 minute awkward silence-filled conversation into a 2 minute sound byte. We're essentially strangers, and you get the benefit of me looking like or sounding like someone in your family, but I'm flying blind. It feels so strange because even though we've had a couple of weeks of emails I still look at you and feel like I don't know you at all. It's surreal, like it's not really my life, but someone else's.

I'm scared because of what happened with Camille. I think I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to make sure I don't screw this up, but I don't even know what it should look like.

So where do we go from here? I don't know. I'm at a loss. I think skype is so cool because you can see each other, and it's almost like you're in the same room, but it's distracting for me to see you and I'm trying to see me in you and I can't think about what to say. It's info overload. I guess I would like it if you and I could just talk on the phone instead for a while. And I think I would like to ask you a few questions about when I was born if that's ok. And if Linda or the kids wanted to talk, that'd be ok, but I think I'd like it to be 1 on 1 instead of everyone at once.

Ok, so that was long and rambling, sorry. Nick went back to work and I'm just processing it all on my own and thought that you should know what I'm thinking too.

I'd love to talk again soon, but you can email me first and tell me how long and rambling I am sometimes :)

Blessings, Haley 
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The Skype Call, Part Two

I'm thrilled to tell you that Kevin has agreed (I'm told this was half 'happily' and half 'reluctantly' due to his private nature...) to write a guest post. Please enjoy the view from his glasses today.

Skype day was like most Saturdays at our house, a bit busy and a bit lazy. Everyone in the house was excited/nervous all day. We knew Haley would become and remain part of our lives, my wife and I had already agreed (how good is she?!). Skyping would be another step in the string of steps already taken. I set up in the kitchen. In retrospect, my wife told me she'd never seen me so nervous. I remember feeling anxious, very anxious...

I don't recall who called whom, but when we got on the call it was only Haley and I. Initially it was surreal, my first time on skype, seeing the daughter I knew I had but knew little about until just a few weeks previous.

I had prepared a small list of things to talk about because I'm not very talkative on the weekends as I talk all day at work. We'd traded photos previously, so I recognized her immediately. It's impossible not to notice mannerisms in Haley that I and my siblings share.

Woah! Not easy.

At times it feels like we're just staring at each other; even though we've found a nice pleasant rhythm in our writings back and forth, adding audio and video has added a whole new dimension that for sure I'm not prepared for.

I'm struggling to bring things up, and Haley is really quiet, it kind of feels like we're on a nervous blind date, time to call in the reinforcements! We pull Linda and Nick into the camera view and things start to settle down again, then after a few quiet pauses we bring in our kids.

After more small talk there are seven of us watching tv, not much to say but all amazed as we look through the glass. My list of questions gets used up, I try to make jokes to keep things light but it's hard for everyone (maybe because they weren't funny, though I find that hard to believe) we're all excited and nervous and mesmerized by the new family members. We lift up our 45 pound dog Danny and introduce him to Lucy, who likely weighs 6 pounds out of the bathtub, this was proof to me we were struggling a bit for content!

After we say goodbye, everyone in my kitchen lets out a huge sigh of relief, we did it! I imagine it was the same in Haley's house. We'd successfully met 'face to face' and not only survived, but set ourselves up for continuing to head down the path of getting to know each other.

That was an amazing day; with luck there will be many more to come.

-Kevin

The Skype Call

March 19 through my Facebook statuses:

7:37am: Today is the big skype date! No wonder I couldn't sleep...I've been way too excited. I hope this mountain of laundry can distract me until 5:00!

4:02pm: 1 hour. I'm gonna throw up. It was easier when I was busy with cleaning. 

I chose very carefully what to wear, only to recall that our webcam has more of a neck-up view (ha! so much for vanity...). I put on makeup, to which my dear husband says, “makeup for skype? really?” Yes really. No I don’t wear full makeup every single day of my life, but on days that I especially feel like smoothing over any flaws...

I asked Nick to make sure skype was on, and then I sat in the other room feeling like I was going to throw up for about an hour. That’s what happens to me when I’m nervous; full on nauseous. Finally, after watching every second tick by on the clock there was only ten minutes left to wait. I sat at the desk and waited. New clock to stare at, unkindly though it didn’t provide me with a second hand. Each minute was monotonous. Kind of like how you’re thinking right now, so get to the call! What happens on the call? The anticipation burns, and there’s no relief until you eventually hear the ring.

Finally, at exactly 5:00pm, the appointed time, we met 'face to face' for the first time.