Secret Fears

Email to Haley, from Linda; March 23, 2011

Haley,

Does the Focus 3 Bible Course end in June? Sounds amazing. When you lead a Bible Study, do you host it in your home? In the church? (...) Thanks for the link to your church. I am listening to a sermon by one of your pastors right now. He is also doing a PowerPoint presentation. Do you help him with that? This sermon is wonderful! He has a real love for the Lord doesn’t he?

(...) At 28 years old I had a conversion...2 years after our marriage. I learned all about the love of Jesus and His Divine Mercy. I suspect all of Heaven celebrated the day I finally accepted Him! It’s quite a beautiful story...one which I will share with you face to face.

Thanks for the pic of your parents! (...)

I can only pray that the kids will all find godly spouses. How happy I am that your marriage is built upon Jesus. You are so blessed and Nick is just as blessed to have a godly wife!

OK enough for now! I’ll call you tomorrow.

In Christ,

Linda

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Email to Linda, from Haley; March 23, 2011

Hi Linda,

Our Focus 3 course runs from September to the end of May. It wraps up with "High Adventure Camp" where our group (there's 14 of us, including our senior pastor and his wife) goes white water rafting, high ropes course, horseback riding, etc. It's kind of like teambuilding. I'm very excited about it! It sounds scary and my goal is to try everything! It's been a very meaningful year together so far. Like I said, we write our 'stories' and then we actually share them with the group. It's been so cool to share everything, dark times and all, and still be loved and accepted. They've been praying for us as we reunite, and they were thrilled to hear about you and know that your family is Christian. They're my other family :)

When we lead our small group, we took turns hosting. Often it was here, but other couples took their turn too. We'd meet every other Sunday night and always start with dinner first. It's a great way to get to know people!

My favourite Bible studies have all been by Beth Moore. Have you done any of those? They're ladies Bible studies with a dvd and a workbook with lots of homework!

I can't wait to hear your faith story. I love how God uses different things in each of our lives to draw us closer to Him. Tonight I'm volunteering on our Healing Prayer Ministry team. It's amazing to be a part of, I'll have to tell you about it some time. It's been a huge part of my faith story too :)

Yes I do all the PowerPoint for our pastors (I actually build it in Keynote - Mac software). I love doing that! It's so fun.

Well, I gotta run to my appointment! I look forward to our chat tomorrow!

Blessings,

Haley

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All the while, when Linda and I are emailing happy, hope-filled emails to each other...we were both having major anxiety. I'm panicking that she won't want to add another daughter; she's worried that I don't want another mother.

Here's the thing I've learned in the last few years. We have an enemy, and he is not really impressed when God's plans are moving ahead. So he tries to interfere, and he attacks us in ways that will steal our joy. But I've also learned that he doesn't have original ideas. He was putting the same fears into both of our minds.

And we agreed to talk on the phone. To each other. While we're both secretly panicking. I can't wait to show you how it turns out! Tomorrow's post is going to be worth getting up early for :)

The Irony of Being Needy

Email to Haley, from Kevin; March 12, 2011

Thats terrific news Haley, all of the bits you gave me!

Linda was a marathoner before she broke her ankle 18 months ago..I started to run (?) the dog a month or so ago to save some time and get more exercise. I don't consider myself a runner as I was a hockey goaltender until I was 35 so my knees are 'well used', probably people who see me say, "woah check out that guy, he looks in pain!"...though I'm happy with it because its a 15 or 20 minute pickup every morning as I take Danny around 5:00 am.

I've heard of the home performances but haven't been to one, I love music so I'm sure it would be great for me.

-17 is tough. My hobby is motorcycling and one of the reasons I love living here is I can ride year round, sometimes its wet and cold, but I will ride anyway. In half an hour I'm going to go for 90 minutes or so, its only 8 degrees but any ride is better than no ride!

(...)

Have a great weekend Haley,

Kevin
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Email to Kevin, from Haley; March 13, 2011

A visit to the gym turned into a 3 hour nap. I guess I'm more tired than I thought! I think an emotional roller coaster can be way more tiring than a 6:00 a.m. visit to my trainer.

I started 'running' last summer, if you call it that. I'm still very slow. I max out at about 13min before I need to walk a minute.

This morning we're going to church. We usually go every Sunday but sometimes I skip because it's a bit tougher to attend the church you work for.

Nick's Dad is a pastor. They live in MB right now, but Nick grew up mostly in the Calgary and Edmonton areas. His one burning question for you is are you an Oilers fan? I should interject that when we were first dating, I had no idea he liked the Stampeders and the Flames. Made for a very awkward viewing of a western conference CFL final. But I have since converted him to the Eskimos and Oilers side. He claims it wasn't me but instead "time" that converted him. Sounds suspicious to me.

Do you go on many family vacations? We try and take a big trip every other year. Last year we went to the Maritimes and it was amazing. This year going to visit Daniel is a bit of an exception to our every 2 years rule; we're excited that we'll have him as our tour guide.

How did Linda break her ankle? That's a pretty devastating injury. Sounds like she loved to run!

Great emailing back and forth with you. I hope it's not too often. Nick told me I didn't have to email back immediately and it hadn't even occured to me to wait a bit before replying. It doesn't help that I'm an iPhone addict. Sorry if it's been too much! I guess I just have 27 years to catch up on.

Blessings,
Haley
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Gosh I can be needy. I think it's driven by a fear of rejection. Which is ironic, because needy people are often rejected for being so high maintenance. I know because I have rejected a few people in my time for displaying the same characteristics that I am now displaying. It's embarrassing, yet I'm afraid I can't help it. I think Nick is a bit concerned about the frequency of my contact...and while I appreciate that he's trying to protect me, it's kind of like fighting a losing battle.

Sometimes in my elusive high-self-esteem moments I think I can be quite witty and charming; that's the "how could anyone not love me?" mode. But the majority of my time is not spent there. Instead I frequent the other much less glamorous, self-deprecating and inadequate mode. I used to live exclusively in this area of my mind, but thankfully God is revealing how He sees me. Little by little I allow myself glimpses of the Haley that He treasures.

Which Haley am I in my emails to Kevin? How will he see me? I know that I have people in my life that love me and accept me as I am, but will he?