To fake or not to fake

Email to Linda, from Haley; March 22, 2011

Hi Linda,

I often wear my heart on my sleeve, so if I express emotions I hope that doesn't scare you! I just try and be really honest about what my reality is. I never want to be the kind of Christian that pastes on a happy face and gives the impression that following Christ is a cakewalk. That's my reasoning behind the 'heart on my sleeve' mentality :)

I appreciate very much the fact that you are all trying to be very sensitive to me. I'm probably a handful to keep up with! I know that one email I sent to Kevin was probably not as sensitive as it could have been, but he was so gracious about it. I know I don't always have the censor that I probably need to have, so I hope you're ok with telling me when things are too much as well. (...)

I don't really know too much about Catholicism, so feel free to educate me! I'm very interested in learning more about what you believe. We would love to attend a service with you when we're out in April; I really want to see your church! Do you dress up when you go? Our church is pretty casual, so we often wear jeans.

Linda, I'd be delighted to chat with you on the phone. I'm sure Kevin probably told you about our phone call, but it was soooo much better than skype, and much less awkward. There's just something about one-on-one that's better for me too. I can definitely be shy and I especially don't like large groups, so I think a phone call would be great. (...)

Hope you have a great day! I look forward to our chat!

Blessings, Haley

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I can't decide what's harder. Living life pretending to be happy, or actually letting people see inside my heart. I've done both, and most of the time I think being authentic is the way to go. But sometimes, especially when I feel really vulnerable, I wish I could go back to pasting on a happy face. As much energy as putting on a facade takes, it feels like that might be easier than letting someone in to see the real me.

Though I would like to hide behind a smile, eventually it will come out that I'm just a broken girl. Desperate for healing, craving acceptance, thrilled that anyone would want to phone me even if it's just to find out what my favourite foods are. 

Better to be the real me; I don't think I have the energy to fake it if I wanted to. 

Planning a Visit

I feel like I haven't written in so long that I forgot where I was in the story!

Quick re-set; had our first Skype call, I had a little meltdown, then Kevin and I talked on the phone and I calmed down a bit, Nick and I discussed and decided to do a visit.

Email to Haley, from Kevin; March 21, 2011 

Hi Haley,

I enjoyed the call as well, it isn't often I don't have something to say, and at times I was at a loss for words!

Great to hear you're going to jump in and come visit, in my calendar the 16-17 is better, and Linda is going to check her outlook and let me know this morning, and I'll ph you this afternoon. (...)

I'm glad to hear you're doing better, e-mail is a double edged sword for sure, more time to think writing, more time to misinterpret reading! (...)

I'll talk to you later Haley, I know once the arrangements are made, the kids will be excited, and Sarah can begin prepping her long golden hair! (ha ha)

Kevin
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Kevin called me in the afternoon, and we tried to pick a weekend. Who knew it would be so complicated? There was Easter weekend in there, Nick and I already had plans to go to Invermere, another weekend we had volunteer commitments, I think Daniel had a scout camp one weekend, and Amy had a birthday date with her Mom another weekend. It looked like June would be the earliest date. *sigh* How on earth could I wait three more months?

Later that day, and after 3 or 4 calls we finally picked a date that was nearly perfect. Can you believe that my dear sister Amy willingly gave up a birthday night out with her Mom, just to meet me? What a treasure that girl is. She had already emailed me that she was going to a concert in Seattle by one of her favourite artists, and that it was going to be a special evening out, topped off with a night spent in a hotel! I knew she was really looking forward to it, and I didn't want to be associated with taking away a treat like that. But Amy was so gracious, and seemed to be more excited about meeting me than a night out. They still planned to attend the concert, but would only miss a few hours with Nick and I, not a whole day.

Just over 5 weeks from today, Nick and I will meet them all face-to-face! I don't want to sell him out here, but Kevin sounded so excited on the phone, it was kind of like talking to an eager child a few days before Christmas. I was also looking forward to a visit, but had enough anxiety to temper the excitement down to a more palatable level. I hope that didn't come across on the phone as ambivalence...

A day in my time-travelling shoes

I suppose I'll be shifting around a bit more through time with the blog for the next while, as I'm opting for keeping conversations together rather than keeping to the exact timeline. We'll see how this goes :)

Email to Haley, from Linda; March 19, 2011 

Dear Haley,

I can’t tell you how wonderful it was to speak with you and Nick today! You are so beautiful...and that smile!!!  (...)

I’m trying to imagine what it would be like to be in your shoes...and it is difficult to know what you may be feeling/thinking. I just want you to know that we are glad that you made that first call. I am so grateful that you are such a “good” girl and will be a great role model for the girls. I think God has a great future for us all and I trust completely in His plans.

Today, a Skype call....next, a real visit!!! How exciting!

In Christ,

Linda

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Email to Linda, from Haley; March 19, 2011 

Dear Linda,

I loved seeing you all in 'real life'. It's so much better than just a picture! It was hard for me to concentrate on talking I was so busy taking it all in! Sorry I didn't have much to say, I think I was a bit in shock. (...)

Emotional doesn't begin to describe me today. I'm a wreck. Happy sad nervous anxious scared excited all at once. I smile reading through the emails and then I'm bawling because I'm afraid of messing this up. Overall just a wreck. I spent the rest of the evening trying to write an email to Kevin. Nick is still working on the truck, so I used a half a box of Kleenex on my own :)

I want to get to know everyone and I don't want to slow things down with you all, but it's definitely an emotional time!

Blessings,
Haley

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Half a box of kleenex, home alone with the keyboard and the dog...if I drank much, I think tonight would be the night to get out a bottle of (insert your favourite drink here). But I don't, so it was just me, the kleenex, the keyboard and the dog. I can't call anyone because I don't know what I'd say. I looked so forward to the Skype call, and then had this terrible breakdown immediately afterward. Where's the DSM-IV TR when you need it? Perhaps I'm not quite the 'great role model' Linda has in mind.

The Phone Call

My last entry left me napping on the couch with a phone, wondering if Kevin was going to call me.

He did!

We talked for about an hour, and it was amazing. I know I didn’t hold up my end of the conversation as well as I would have liked, but it was a lot better than skype...no question. It’s been so long since the call, I am struggling to remember everything we talked about, but I do remember that it was so good.

Kevin was friendly and open to learning more about me. He engaged me with many questions (which is essential when talking to someone who can be as shy as I can). He answered some of my burning questions about when I was born. I don’t know how many turning points my story will require, but this was another major one for me.

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Email to Haley, from Kevin; March 20, 2011 

Hi Haley, 

I really enjoyed talking to you today, e-mail is good, talking is better, as you said, tough to read emotion in an e-mail. 

I just put the old salmon on the bbq, and Linda and I were talking and I wanted to clarify something about the kids. When I said that Linda asked the kids to slow down with the e-mail, what we are after is to not overwhelm you, but we are not asking the kids to stop. You need to know that as of when we told our kids about you, we would not cut you or them off. There will always be ebbs and flows, but they are natural and I don't want you to think you have to walk on eggshells or anything like that.

We're very happy to get to know you and welcome you however much you want to be welcomed.

Kevin 
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Email to Kevin, from Haley; March 20, 2011 

Hi Kevin,

So our phone call today is my favourite interaction so far. It was so nice to talk with you and get to know you better. I am astounded at how genuine and caring you are. I never expected to be that lucky! I guess what I'm trying to say is let's do that again :)

I talked with Nick and we decided that we should just jump in and do a visit! (...) Let me know what you think, and we can plan from there. (...) 

I'm feeling a lot better since our chat. I think I just needed to get past the 'this is always going to be extremely awkward' to 'this is natural' stage. Thank you for spending that time with me today, I really appreciate it.

Blessings,
Haley

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Asking for something I want

Email to Kevin, from Haley; March 20, 2011

Hi Kevin,

(...)

If I'm honest, I checked my email about every 10 minutes last night until I finally fell asleep (and then again when I was up very early this morning...I'm turning into a real junkie!). I was very concerned about what you might say, but as always you're very kind and understanding; thank you.

I don't mind when you tell me about who I look like or sound like, I just don't know who you're talking about! I'm used to years and years of, wow you look so much like your mom or dad, and laughing it off because I'm adopted... I'll have to show you a picture of them sometime, we do look pretty similar, it's kind of funny :)

I love watching Dragon's Den. I never watch the news anymore. I read it all online. We try and go to a couple Eskimos games every year, but I'm not as interested in sports as I used to be. Nick loves watching cfl and hockey. I got him tix to the Oilers vs Flames next Sunday for his birthday. I can't believe he's turning 28. That means I'm not far behind...

Visits...I wish I had someone to tell me what to do! My heart's desire is to meet you in person, I would love to do that and I've been checking out WestJet flights since I found out where you live. We're going to Invermere at Easter and I thought you guys could come out and we could meet on neutral ground. I was excited when Amy told me you usually come to Edmonton once a year. I'm confused. You say it's up to me about timing...but I'd like to know what you want. I need some help on this one.

Nick would like to add something...

"You have been very gracious about how you've dealt with the whole situation and very sensitive to Haley's feelings. I appreciate that you've been willing to share about yourselves freely. Your thoughtfulness and way you've handled the emails, skype etc. has been beyond what I would have ever expected."

We're going to be home all afternoon today, if you're not busy, why don't you call me and we could try and talk about what to do next? And I want to hear about what you were thinking when you got my first message on facebook!

Blessings, Haley
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As awkward as Skype was, I still was craving contact with Kevin. I don't know why I wrote that I wanted him to call me, because I am terrible at asking for things that I need or want. Terrible! But I did, and as soon as I hit send, I became completely worried again. Too much too soon; How could I be so desperate; It's going to push him away. I wrote earlier about 'the irony of being needy' and here I am again.

The worst part of this email? Putting it out there that I hoped he would call, but not knowing if he would. I went downstairs and napped on the couch with a phone. How sad to admit that! I'm pretty sure it's things like this that make my husband think I'm a tad crazy...

Acceptance

Email to Haley, from Kevin; March 20, 2011

Good Morning Haley,

We watched the movie Secretariat after we went for a bike ride to the gelato shack in town. And it was during that movie that I read your e-mail, but I couldn't respond just then. The movie was terrific, I would recommend it, but your note left me with not much to say - which anyone here would tell you that's impossible. It was terrific to see you and Nick as well, skype is indeed good at helping the overwhelm.

I certainly appreciate your comment regarding flying blind as for sure you don't have the benefit of knowing the rest of our family; after some reflection I think we would have preferred not to make some of the comments about your voice or mannerisms that might be similar to others in my family. We forget we're new to you. And that there are 5 of us!

Expectations are crazy things, huh?

I can't speak to the TV shows you mentioned, I watch the news, MASH, The Dragon's Den, and CFL football; but that's pretty much it, we didn't even have cable until the CBC lost the football rights to TSN! I do know that lots of tv is a train wreck! So best not to set our expectations off of what's on tv.

I really don't know what my expectations are Haley. We would love to have you and Nick for a weekend if you guys would like that. I'm certainly ok wih phone calls and going slowly, as I know we are starting with very little other than perhaps desire to know more about where we come from and our history. We're just going to have to muddle our way.

Camille...

Haley, there's no such thing as screwing it up. 

When you told me about your history with Camille I felt very badly about your experience for you, and for Camille and her husband as well, I couldn't imagine how hard it was for all of you.

So back to not screwing it up; we're trying to find our way you and I, and Linda and Nick are caught in the crossfire! I'm thinking there are times where they are thinking, 'what is happening here?'...there are so many layers its mind boggling, so as I've said to Linda, let's keep it simple. Keeping it simple will help us determine where to go and how fast and all that stuff. If I were to die today (I have no such plans!) I'd be very happy with what we have been able to share with each other in the past few weeks.

Frankly I'm very proud of how you and I have made out since your first e-mail. Especially when you consider our limited experience with these types of situations :) !

My cell number is _________, our home number is _________. Phone anytime.

Have a super day Haley, I hope I haven't thrown too much at you here; for me, I'm very supportive of you (and by extension Nick) and whatever speed you two want to go at is good for me.

Kevin

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I don't know what to say. I think I finally understand that this reunion can be different. Kevin's letting me set the pace; He can handle my desperate emails; I don't know what I can do that will push them away. Being accepted just as I am is a strange feeling that I'm not used to. I'm unsure of how to process this. 

Reality Check

We hung up after the skype call and I was in shock.

The first thing my husband said to me, “You sure didn’t talk much!”. I didn’t? I didn’t really notice! I tend to be pretty shy, so that’s not really a surprise. And what was I supposed to say anyway? I was too busy trying to take it all in to have room left to think about what to say.

Then I had a mini freak out. Maybe a huge freak out. How can Kevin look like a stranger when we’ve been sharing life stuff for a few weeks already?

It was so different to see them live. I’ve seen pictures, and they look exactly the same as their pictures, but now they’re real.

It’s hard to explain, not as though I thought they were ‘fake’ but to know each person is real, and what they have emailed me is really from each of them; I think of the kids especially. Their personalities shone through each email. I can tell just by reading the writing who each email is from if I never saw the reply address or a signature. To match that up to a live face is overwhelming.

It was like I’ve been living in a fog-filled dream world for the last two weeks, and then today in twenty minutes I had my eyes truly opened. The mist cleared away and this was my reality. I’m the plus-one in a new family.
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Email to Kevin, from Haley; March 19, 2011 

Hi Kevin, 

This is the first email to you that I'm struggling to write! I hope you can read this with filtered lenses please, I am going to be as honest as I can be - but sometimes I know I can come across as critical instead of honest, and I don't do too well at censoring myself. So please read it with grace lenses :) and I'll ask for forgiveness in advance. 

It was so wonderful to see you all 'face to face'. Somehow it makes it seem so much more real.

I'm embarrassed that I didn't say much; I'm sorry. I was sort of in shock I guess. There's 5 of you and only one of me, and it's hard for me to take it all in and still have room left in my brain to think about what to say next. With emails it's so much easier because I can take the time I need to think. I'm a fairly quiet person when I don't know people well, and I'm even worse in groups. If I'm at a table with 10 of my dearest friends, it takes a lot to prompt me to join in the conversation.

All that being said...I think I need to right-size my expectations. I've been having these grandiose ideas about visiting for a weekend or I don't know, just big plans for an ideal reunion. I have to quit watching tv shows like The Locator and Find My Family! I guess it's easy to splice a 60 minute awkward silence-filled conversation into a 2 minute sound byte. We're essentially strangers, and you get the benefit of me looking like or sounding like someone in your family, but I'm flying blind. It feels so strange because even though we've had a couple of weeks of emails I still look at you and feel like I don't know you at all. It's surreal, like it's not really my life, but someone else's.

I'm scared because of what happened with Camille. I think I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to make sure I don't screw this up, but I don't even know what it should look like.

So where do we go from here? I don't know. I'm at a loss. I think skype is so cool because you can see each other, and it's almost like you're in the same room, but it's distracting for me to see you and I'm trying to see me in you and I can't think about what to say. It's info overload. I guess I would like it if you and I could just talk on the phone instead for a while. And I think I would like to ask you a few questions about when I was born if that's ok. And if Linda or the kids wanted to talk, that'd be ok, but I think I'd like it to be 1 on 1 instead of everyone at once.

Ok, so that was long and rambling, sorry. Nick went back to work and I'm just processing it all on my own and thought that you should know what I'm thinking too.

I'd love to talk again soon, but you can email me first and tell me how long and rambling I am sometimes :)

Blessings, Haley 
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The Skype Call, Part Two

I'm thrilled to tell you that Kevin has agreed (I'm told this was half 'happily' and half 'reluctantly' due to his private nature...) to write a guest post. Please enjoy the view from his glasses today.

Skype day was like most Saturdays at our house, a bit busy and a bit lazy. Everyone in the house was excited/nervous all day. We knew Haley would become and remain part of our lives, my wife and I had already agreed (how good is she?!). Skyping would be another step in the string of steps already taken. I set up in the kitchen. In retrospect, my wife told me she'd never seen me so nervous. I remember feeling anxious, very anxious...

I don't recall who called whom, but when we got on the call it was only Haley and I. Initially it was surreal, my first time on skype, seeing the daughter I knew I had but knew little about until just a few weeks previous.

I had prepared a small list of things to talk about because I'm not very talkative on the weekends as I talk all day at work. We'd traded photos previously, so I recognized her immediately. It's impossible not to notice mannerisms in Haley that I and my siblings share.

Woah! Not easy.

At times it feels like we're just staring at each other; even though we've found a nice pleasant rhythm in our writings back and forth, adding audio and video has added a whole new dimension that for sure I'm not prepared for.

I'm struggling to bring things up, and Haley is really quiet, it kind of feels like we're on a nervous blind date, time to call in the reinforcements! We pull Linda and Nick into the camera view and things start to settle down again, then after a few quiet pauses we bring in our kids.

After more small talk there are seven of us watching tv, not much to say but all amazed as we look through the glass. My list of questions gets used up, I try to make jokes to keep things light but it's hard for everyone (maybe because they weren't funny, though I find that hard to believe) we're all excited and nervous and mesmerized by the new family members. We lift up our 45 pound dog Danny and introduce him to Lucy, who likely weighs 6 pounds out of the bathtub, this was proof to me we were struggling a bit for content!

After we say goodbye, everyone in my kitchen lets out a huge sigh of relief, we did it! I imagine it was the same in Haley's house. We'd successfully met 'face to face' and not only survived, but set ourselves up for continuing to head down the path of getting to know each other.

That was an amazing day; with luck there will be many more to come.

-Kevin

The Skype Call

March 19 through my Facebook statuses:

7:37am: Today is the big skype date! No wonder I couldn't sleep...I've been way too excited. I hope this mountain of laundry can distract me until 5:00!

4:02pm: 1 hour. I'm gonna throw up. It was easier when I was busy with cleaning. 

I chose very carefully what to wear, only to recall that our webcam has more of a neck-up view (ha! so much for vanity...). I put on makeup, to which my dear husband says, “makeup for skype? really?” Yes really. No I don’t wear full makeup every single day of my life, but on days that I especially feel like smoothing over any flaws...

I asked Nick to make sure skype was on, and then I sat in the other room feeling like I was going to throw up for about an hour. That’s what happens to me when I’m nervous; full on nauseous. Finally, after watching every second tick by on the clock there was only ten minutes left to wait. I sat at the desk and waited. New clock to stare at, unkindly though it didn’t provide me with a second hand. Each minute was monotonous. Kind of like how you’re thinking right now, so get to the call! What happens on the call? The anticipation burns, and there’s no relief until you eventually hear the ring.

Finally, at exactly 5:00pm, the appointed time, we met 'face to face' for the first time.

Looking forward to Skype

Email to Haley, from Kevin; March 18, 2011

Hi Haley,

It’s Friday and we're really looking forward to tomorrow afternoon's Skype call, as I said earlier it may be me, Linda and I, or it might be the whole band. Is that ok? I'm not sure how it will unfold, so if you have a preference please say and we'll do that. (...)

I haven't been counting days or weeks but I know it's been a very short time since we began conversing...feels longer for me, but I know it’s short. (...)

Have a great day, we'll see you tomorrow!

Kevin 
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Email to Kevin, from Haley; March 18, 2011

Good Morning! I have been trying to reply to all the emails that are overflowing my inbox! It's an interesting balance of wanting them to get a careful and timely reply and yet I have to run to work right away! Not literally though, my legs hurt like, well a lot. I had an early morning training session with a lot of lunges yesterday.

As for tomorrow, I am very excited! I would love to 'see' you all but how about just you and I start and then we can add people in to the call as we run out of things to say :) I do want to greet all your kids, as they have certainly expressed that desire in their emails. I need to frame those emails, you should read them all! They are amazing :) (...)

Thanks for the emails...and for including me in the family. Your children are so special. They're already dear to me after only a few typed words back and forth.

Blessings,
Haley

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Our time together has been short? It's been less than two weeks since the Facebook conversation of March 6/7. Wow. How fast can you build a sustainable relationship? 

One of my big regrets with Camille is that we actually met within days of our first emails. Let me correct that, it was the same day. I got the first email from her at 3:20pm; Nick and I went to visit her at 7:30pm. Too much too soon? Yes. Of course hindsight is 20-20. 

Is this too much too soon? It's like taking out a few stones from the dam every day, and then there's a trickle of water coming out...which leads to a breach and widespread flooding. It's too late to put back any stones now, so I think I'll just hope the flood is good for the land. 

My Inbox Runneth Over

Email to Haley, from Kevin; March 17, 2011

Hi Haley,

Daniel and Sarah told me they e-mailed you last night, and then I heard Amy mention it to Linda as I drifted off. I was so happy to hear that, hopefully its not too much for you now...they are incredible kids, and yet I can't help but think it overwhelming for you as well.

Be sure to speak up, ok?

Kevin 
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Email to Haley, from Linda; March 17, 2011

Hi Haley,

Are you overwhelmed yet? I am fully aware that the children have been e-mailing up a storm!!!!!!!! How excited you have made them. I have not read any of Amy’s or Daniel’s correspondence but since Sarah’s e-mails come into my e-mail box I have read hers. Imagine my horror :) at her describing her hair as long and golden (I am sure she is humble somewhere in her soul!!!) When she read that to me I laughed and hoped you would too! She has taken so much time to e-mail you that it touches me.

(...)

Many blessings to you and I look forward to Saturday when we will hear you voice and see you face to face (kind of!)

In Christ,
Linda

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Email to Kevin, from Haley; March 17, 2011

It is very overwhelming in a 'my cup runs over' joy-filled way! I was thrilled to read their emails and responded to them last night. They are an absolute delight! I'm privileged to get to meet them!

Blessings,
Haley 

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What a wonderful problem to have. I used to be afraid that I had read the very last email I'd ever receive from Kevin, and now I can barely keep up with my inbox. I don't think Nick has ever seen me so attached to my iPhone or the computer. 

Sarah, Part Two

Email to Sarah, from Haley; March 16, 2011

Hi Sarah!

Wow! You sound like you love ballet. That's so neat! I've never ever tried it, but I remember going to see the nutcracker when I was about your age and loving it! Do you do recitals in your class? The closest I come to dancing is a Zumba fitness class, that's Latin dancing plus aerobics. It's pretty fun!

I saw a picture of your beautiful hair! I have dark brown hair, it's only shoulder length now but I used to have very long hair when I was younger. It was too hard for me to keep straight! I have very fine hair and it would always get tangled.

We have a Wii too! We only have a couple of games but my favourite is bowling. Which ones do you like to play?

Do your dolls have names? My favourite doll had red curly hair and I named her Penny. I really liked to pick out dresses and do my dolls' hair too. We had a friend that made doll clothes so it was always special to get a new outfit that you couldn't buy at the store! Do you like to do any crafts?

Sarah you're pretty wise for 9 years old. Faith is very important and I know a lot of people don't take it seriously. It's a good thing that God gives us second chances (many of them) and that He loves us enough to forgive us when we don't take Him seriously.

Thanks for your email Sarah! What a treasure you are! I can't wait to meet you!

Blessings,
Haley

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I can't wait to meet all of them! Only a couple more days until our first Skype date! 

Daniel

Reminder of what I wrote earlier to Daniel:

Daniel- It must be great to be an older brother. I know you've got some serious responsibilities on your shoulders. Soon you'll have to fend off future suitors for not just one but two sisters. You get to be the 'man' of the house when your Dad's away. And you have two sisters who may have ganged up on you to force you to play house or let them cut your hair...I'm sorry that I don't balance out the boys side for you :) But at least you don't have to screen my boyfriends, I'm already married! Seriously though, what a great honour I'll have if you allow me the privilege of being your big sister. I always wanted a brother to show me how to do some boy stuff like playing video games or someone to play catch with. I also need someone who can recommend some great books...I go through a couple most weeks! I hope you can help me out with some of that!

Email to Haley, from Daniel; March 16, 2011

Hey Haley!!

I’m SSSOOO excited to have you as an older sister!!! I can’t wait to meet you in person!! This whole thing is really exciting for me, I mean it’s not every day you have a new sister!!

Yeah being an older brother is awesome....most of the time :P (...)

Dad and I have always joked that when the girls are older and a boyfriend comes to take them on a date we’ll be in the garage like in that song.....oh what’s it called..? hhmmm....and I’ll be sharpening my knife and he’ll be sharpening his axe and we’ll screen the boy first :P. Dad mentioned that you like to read...thats something we have in common...well You might like this series of books ‘Dragons in our Midst’ by Bryan Davis... They tie in with another series called ‘Oracles of Fire’ and they are both great Christian fantasy series (by the day read Dragons in our Midst first).

Well I guess I should probably tell you about myself because I’m guessing I won’t have much time when we have our video call on Saturday or when we meet. So... I have a few passions which are: God and my faith, reading, and music (classic rock mostly). Some of my favourite books are: the Inheritance Cycle, Sherlock Holmes, Dragons in our Midst, Oracles of Fire, Lord of the Rings, and a few others. Then some of my favourite bands are: U2, Rush, The Who, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, Boston, The Beatles, The Police, Matt Maher, and Bon Jovi. I’m not a very sportsy person I prefer to read or play videogames (which I don’t do a whole lot because I am only allowed 40 minutes/day. I really love to be outdoors though. I am in scouts and I love camping and hiking! I also like walking the dog (did you know we have a dog? He’s awesome! 

Well I’m not quite sure about what else to tell you so help me out by asking questions!!!

(feels so weird to be saying this) Your Brother,

Daniel

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Ok, my heart totally melted. I love him already! What a charmer :)  "It's not every day you have a new sister!!" No it's not!

I love the signature..."Your Brother,"

This is what joy feels like!

It's a new day!

Email to Haley, from Linda; March 16, 2011

Dear Haley,

How your e-mails warm my heart!!

Today is Wednesday, and the kids have piano lessons first thing in the morning. Following these lessons we normally go to a local Japanese restaurant for sushi. I shared with the kids more details about you and their responses were amazingly enthusiastic! Daniel asked if he could have your e-mail, so I took the pleasure and told them that they had an e-mail waiting for them at home! As soon as we entered the house, the kids asked to read it!! Well, they did. How they delighted in your personal words to them. It is agreed that you have an amazing personality! They will be responding to you (today probably).

I hope you don’t become too overwhelmed but they are anxious to get to know you and anxious to tell you all about themselves!! We’ll all be present for Saturday’s Skype call.

May God Bless You

Linda

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Yesterday I thought I would have to wait as long as a few weeks to interact with my siblings.

It's a new day! And you only have to wait one more day to read what the first email from my brother said...

A Very Delicate Situation

Email to Linda, from Haley; March 15, 2011

Oh dear! I learned not to open personal email at work, because I had a serious break down today! Your email was so accepting and honest, I was able to hear your heart. That's no small accomplishment via email :) Thank you for the warm welcome.

I was so nervous to share that I am a Christian, but I'm so grateful now that we can share that faith. Thank you for being open about that with me. It's a significant part of my life too.

Your dear ones! I have been so focused on thinking about what a big change this is for me, I didn't fully think about what a huge change this will be for them. I didn't know you had told them yet, but thank you for being so candid about their reactions. It makes it real for me to know they have some processing to do too. There's no disappointment on my end; you know what they can handle and I trust that you will be as gentle with them as you can in this very delicate situation.

It's a delight to have heard from you Linda. Thank you again for the kind words and for sharing from the heart. I can't wait until Saturday!

I told Kevin before that my productivity is way down...well I told my boss today that I haven't really been "mentally present" lately and he laughed and said "whenever I have a new grandchild, I'm not here either. You gained a whole family. You're high functioning enough of the time to have a few weeks of being a bit slower!". What a great boss :)

Blessings,
Haley
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Email to Kevin, from Haley; March 15, 2011

Good morning Kevin,

I was so excited to get an email from Linda, she sounds wonderful. I think you're very blessed!

It's totally fine to Skype just the adults. I want you to go as slow as they need. I can't imagine the shock factor for those dear ones! I'm glad you're not rushing them.

(...)

Sometimes I have a hard time falling asleep, so I listen to podcasts of old radio shows, or Wiretap. I downloaded some more Vinyl Cafe to add to the list. :)

Blessings,
Haley
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It's amazing to me that much of the anxiety of the reunion is fading just from knowing that Linda is ok with it; I know how much it means to me that Nick is supportive of the reunion. Now, I think of my siblings and my heart aches for them.

Imagine you are 9 years old (or 12 or 14), and your parents sit you down and tell you that your Dad has another child. Even now, when I know what their reaction was, I still have a hard time thinking about this. It's not the romantic, long-lost daughter story line that would fit in well in any soap opera. It's losing the image of an infallible father. It's confusing and difficult to understand. It's shaking up a world that you're very comfortable in.

Yes, I knew when you were born...

Email to Haley, from Kevin; March 14, 2011

Hi Haley,

Yes, I knew when you were born, and that you were a girl, we can talk more of those details and history face to face sometime.

Lets line up a skype (correct terminology?) for Saturday afternoon at 4:00 pst? Linda is away until mid afternoon Saturday. Is 5:00 okay for you, or too close to dinner?

I'm totally ok if you want to write something to the rest of the family, I'll cc our home address. Feel free, she's looking forward to it!

My FB picture was when I was about 13, I put it there because I think FB is more for kids, I have a quirky sense of humour...

(...)

Kevin
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Sometimes it's like God can read my mind, that He knows my prayers before I pray them. "the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will" ~Romans 8:26a-27

When He knows I cannot take one more moment of fear, that I'll fall into despair, I receive something to look forward to. Skype! I'm thrilled. Who cares what time dinner is; I will fast for the day to get a Skype call. And I can email Linda and my brother and sisters! I don't even know if they know about me yet...but I'm still going to write to them. What on earth would you write to siblings that didn't know you existed?

And he knew I was a girl. "The Putative Father was aware of the pregnancy but not of the birth" (From my adoption records). I suppose news travels...

Second-Guessing

Email to Haley, from Kevin; March 14, 2011


Hi Haley,

13 minutes seems preety good to me, I can barely make it two blocks without a rest! I will take heart that can make it up to 13 minutes if I keep at it.

Linda and I lived in Manitoba for three years in the late 90s, we moved there for my work. We really liked it, except the winter weather, it makes Edmonton look like Vancouver! Both Daniel and Amy were born there, we bought our first house there, and we made some wonderful friends, the people were unbelievable! Really warm and welcoming.

(....)

I'm totally ok with how we've been e-mailing, we're getting to know each other.. :) Feel free to reply however you like, I do both, right away or wait, depending...

Oilers / Eskimos, automatic! As we've moved around a bit I've learned over the years to cheer for the home team, so today it would be the Canucks, unless they're playing the Oilers. Ditto for football. (...)

Our annual vacation tends to be the one I mentioned in Jasper with Linda's family. Kind of low key, but we all enjoy it as we spend the whole time together doing hiking, biking, fishing, lots and lots of fun. I've been fortunate to travel a bit with work and I'm learning to stay an extra day or two to see the local sights.

(...)

Have a great day Haley. Have fun!

Kevin
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Email to Kevin, from Haley; March 14, 2011


Today's my day off so I'm going to clean a bit, meet a friend for lunch and maybe cook some freezer meals. I love to cook. Nick likes to eat what I cook :) but he does take a turn in the kitchen every once and a while. He really loves to bbq even when it's -25. I think his cutoff is about -30.

I read through some of my adoption paperwork again, it says you knew Camille was pregnant, but did you ever know when I was born? I wondered if you knew I was a girl...

Maybe tomorrow I'll scan some of it and send it to you. I got the report in 2005. Alberta opened adoption records in the fall of 2004. After what happened with Camille, I didn't think I would ever look for you. But God stirred up a desire in my heart just in the last 6 months. I am in a Bible study group and we all had to share our "stories" with each other. Basically it's a life story where you try and look back and see what God's been up to in your life. While I was writing mine I noticed that empty space again so I decided to look for you. All I had was your name and I thought you probably had gone to school with Camille. So I tried Facebook. There's more than just one Kevin _________...but at the time your picture was you as a boy. I thought your smile looked a lot like mine when I was little. I knew in my heart, this is the one. So that's all I did. You're the only one I messaged and I didn't know what to write. High school seemed innocent enough...

(...)

Now all I can think about is when do we get to meet? If you have Skype sometime this week we could book a time (...)

Is it ok if I write something to your family to share with them?

Blessings,
Haley
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The emails are getting longer now, there's lots more 'life stuff'. It's so good. Yet so completely nerve-wracking! Every time I hit send, I think, should I have been less _______, more _______... should I have said ____________, instead of ____________. Ahh, second-guessing. You're a real cross to bear.

I wondered if it's because I'm a woman, an adoptee, or if it's just me. It's so validating reading some other reunion blogs, because they share the same feelings! Fear, fear, fear. Anxiety vs anger. Regret and shame. Brief flashes of joy.

The joyful moments seem to be the most fleeting. It's really unfair. I get butterflies when I see the email is from him. I open it, it's wonderful, full of new information and interest in me...then in comes the anxiety. What am I going to write back? Did I read that right? I hope he didn't think __________ when I said _________.  Then I write the reply. Re-read it, rinse, repeat, and again. Hit send at a weak moment. Then I have to wait with the fear in the pit of my stomach. When will he write back? Will he write back? Or was that the last email. The last time I'll ever hear from him.

It's a shame the joy can't last longer. Maybe it can push some of this fear away next time it shows up.

I am not a cat person

Email to Kevin, from Haley; March 11, 2011

I think Wednesday is usually my busiest day in the office because we’re at full staff and everyone always has loads of questions for me… but Friday is my day to clean up and finish up everything for the week and I can often get a couple normal days worth of work done as there’s hardly anyone around. Last year I only worked 0.9 (a day off every other week), and this year I dropped my hours to 0.8. I got really quick at everything I needed to do, and there just wasn’t enough to keep me busy. I love working Tuesday – Friday. Long weekend every week! Nick likes it too, because he doesn’t have to come with me to Costco now :)

Sometimes I bring Lucy to work with me. She loves it. She loves licking everyone she meets…but then gets tired and just sleeps in my office the rest of the day. I think my co-workers like having her around. She’s definitely ‘my’ dog. The summer we got her I was looking for a job and so bonded with her 24-7 for the first few weeks.

We always had a dog when I was growing up. We started with Blue, the blue-heeler. My parents rescued her from a ditch as a puppy, and she was very old, blind and grumpy when I came along. I think she died when I was 5 or 6. Then we got Barney, he was a terrier-poodle cross. He was my Mom’s dog, no doubt. I just always loved having dogs around. (I am not a cat person – my Grandma had cats, and I always disliked them. They were never friendly enough for me!)

My parents are awesome. They make an effort to visit us often, they did even when they weren’t retired. They are pretty active volunteers. My Dad runs a community policing branch of the RCMP, does hosting at the airport, and they both work with the ‘adopt a senior’ program from their church. They drive them to medical appointments and help do handy-man things around the house. I thought retiring would give them a rest, but they haven’t really slowed down. They were elementary school teachers. My Dad taught grade 6, and then grade 5. My Mom taught part-time, first kindergarten then grade 1. I therefore excelled in school; hard not to when you’re surrounded by teachers (all their friends were teachers too!). I often had people say, “Are you going to be a teacher when you grow up?” and I adamantly said “no way!” Even though I do have a bit of ‘teacher’ gene in me, I never really wanted to be in a room full of kids for extended periods of time.

I do want my parent’s blessing before I say anything more, but I certainly want to get to know you all! Even though I have been so blessed to have even these short little emails back and forth…I do want more. I’d love to try Skype and a real visit sometime too.

Blessings, Haley
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I think I finally got to the point where I'm ok with sharing more about my life. I can sense that apprehension lifting off, and I'm just feeling like I'm getting to know someone. It's a good place to be.

I still haven't been able to share with my parents! It's driving me crazy! Soon, soon, I know. It's not for lack of trying, I might add.

I really want to meet Kevin in person, even if it's just on Skype. Email can only tide anyone over for so long. It is no substitute for real life interaction, and I'm saying that as a social media junkie!

Do your kids know?

Email to Kevin, from Haley; March 10, 2011

7 kids? Wow! I grew up in a really small Mennonite town, some of my friends growing up came from families of 9! My best friend was 2nd youngest and had 7 brothers and 1 sister. That always made me wonder what it would be like to be one of many. I was the main focus in our family.

So are your siblings scattered across Canada or are most of them still in #yeg? How many bro/sis?

My husband Nick is from a family of 4. He's #3, has an oldest brother who's married and has a 3 year old (almost 4), an older sister who's married, then youngest brother is single and lives abroad. He's a university student. We are hoping to visit him this fall.

How are your kids doing? Do they play any instruments or sports? I used to play basketball in jr high, until a girl stepped on my foot when I was going for a layup. Tore all the ligaments in my ankle. I took piano for a while, but didn't stick with it. I love to read, that's still my favourite activity!

Do your kids know, or are you even going to tell them? I imagine it would be a very difficult/awkward conversation. I'm just curious :) definitely not pressing for that!

Do you have skype? Maybe we could do a skype call sometime.

Ok my 20 questions are up :)

Blessings,
Haley

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"Do your kids know, or are you even going to tell them?" That was so hard to think about. I have two cousins on my biological mother's side that I have never been allowed to meet. They were age 3 and 5 at the time of our reunion, so now they'd be about 9 and 11. Every year I miss with them is painful. 

What if I am never allowed to meet my siblings? "Definitely not pressing for that!" Well, that's only true in the sense that I don't want to press any issue during a reunion. I told myself that I must be amenable. This time will be different.