I just found my biological father and added another whole family into my life. Journey with us as we build a relationship.
*Make sure you read oldest to newest, it makes more sense that way. I've changed or may withhold some names and places to protect the privacy of the ones I love.
Showing posts with label Nick. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nick. Show all posts
Wednesday, 29 June 2011
Planning a Visit
I feel like I haven't written in so long that I forgot where I was in the story!
Quick re-set; had our first Skype call, I had a little meltdown, then Kevin and I talked on the phone and I calmed down a bit, Nick and I discussed and decided to do a visit.
Email to Haley, from Kevin; March 21, 2011
Hi Haley,
I enjoyed the call as well, it isn't often I don't have something to say, and at times I was at a loss for words!
Great to hear you're going to jump in and come visit, in my calendar the 16-17 is better, and Linda is going to check her outlook and let me know this morning, and I'll ph you this afternoon. (...)
I'm glad to hear you're doing better, e-mail is a double edged sword for sure, more time to think writing, more time to misinterpret reading! (...)
I'll talk to you later Haley, I know once the arrangements are made, the kids will be excited, and Sarah can begin prepping her long golden hair! (ha ha)
Kevin
-----
Kevin called me in the afternoon, and we tried to pick a weekend. Who knew it would be so complicated? There was Easter weekend in there, Nick and I already had plans to go to Invermere, another weekend we had volunteer commitments, I think Daniel had a scout camp one weekend, and Amy had a birthday date with her Mom another weekend. It looked like June would be the earliest date. *sigh* How on earth could I wait three more months?
Later that day, and after 3 or 4 calls we finally picked a date that was nearly perfect. Can you believe that my dear sister Amy willingly gave up a birthday night out with her Mom, just to meet me? What a treasure that girl is. She had already emailed me that she was going to a concert in Seattle by one of her favourite artists, and that it was going to be a special evening out, topped off with a night spent in a hotel! I knew she was really looking forward to it, and I didn't want to be associated with taking away a treat like that. But Amy was so gracious, and seemed to be more excited about meeting me than a night out. They still planned to attend the concert, but would only miss a few hours with Nick and I, not a whole day.
Just over 5 weeks from today, Nick and I will meet them all face-to-face! I don't want to sell him out here, but Kevin sounded so excited on the phone, it was kind of like talking to an eager child a few days before Christmas. I was also looking forward to a visit, but had enough anxiety to temper the excitement down to a more palatable level. I hope that didn't come across on the phone as ambivalence...
Tuesday, 28 June 2011
It's all about me.
When I started to share my story through this blog, I mistakenly thought it was all about me. I needed to write to process all my feelings, to keep them from swirling around in my head. Big life change, lengthy mental processing needed.
At the beginning of the reunion, I used up all my free time with my husband talking on and on about my new family. At dinner, on date night, during hockey games. Note to self: Don't talk to your husband during a hockey game unless your sentence has the word 'wings' or 'pizza', preceded by, "do you want more ______"? He's not interested in hearing about the latest email from my little sister when the game is in overtime. Trust me, that email was way more interesting that the overtime period.
My friends, surprisingly, were not all interested in every moment of my reunion tale. One even interrupted me in the middle of my story, and said, "oh no, I didn't mean I wanted to hear all of that, I just wanted to know it was going well." Oh. So you don't want me to ramble on for hours at a time? I listen to you talk about your kids for hours, I guess it doesn't go both ways.
I needed another outlet, and a blog seemed to be a good choice. It helped me untangle weeks of pent up thoughts and emotions. Unpacking story by story was incredibly helpful to my mental health.
I haven't felt the compulsion to write every day for a while; *spoiler warning* I do have a post saved up about Father's Day, but with the mail strike in Canada, I didn't want to post it until my Dad actually got his Father's Day card, since the post is all about choosing Father's Day cards.
Since I stopped writing for a few weeks, I've been getting bombarded with advice as to how to 'cure writer's block' or 'just jump ahead to the present story'. I was told that a certain member of my new family now sleeps in again, because she used to get up early to see what I had written, and now doesn't bother. Ouch.
Ok, I can take the hint! It's important to them to meet me here at the blog every morning. They get a glimpse of me, of my heart, answers to questions they might be too shy to ask, something extra that helps them process this reunion thing too.
And here I thought the blog was all about me...
The real question is, when will they read the new post! Since they're not in the habit of checking every day... :)
At the beginning of the reunion, I used up all my free time with my husband talking on and on about my new family. At dinner, on date night, during hockey games. Note to self: Don't talk to your husband during a hockey game unless your sentence has the word 'wings' or 'pizza', preceded by, "do you want more ______"? He's not interested in hearing about the latest email from my little sister when the game is in overtime. Trust me, that email was way more interesting that the overtime period.
My friends, surprisingly, were not all interested in every moment of my reunion tale. One even interrupted me in the middle of my story, and said, "oh no, I didn't mean I wanted to hear all of that, I just wanted to know it was going well." Oh. So you don't want me to ramble on for hours at a time? I listen to you talk about your kids for hours, I guess it doesn't go both ways.
I needed another outlet, and a blog seemed to be a good choice. It helped me untangle weeks of pent up thoughts and emotions. Unpacking story by story was incredibly helpful to my mental health.
I haven't felt the compulsion to write every day for a while; *spoiler warning* I do have a post saved up about Father's Day, but with the mail strike in Canada, I didn't want to post it until my Dad actually got his Father's Day card, since the post is all about choosing Father's Day cards.
Since I stopped writing for a few weeks, I've been getting bombarded with advice as to how to 'cure writer's block' or 'just jump ahead to the present story'. I was told that a certain member of my new family now sleeps in again, because she used to get up early to see what I had written, and now doesn't bother. Ouch.
Ok, I can take the hint! It's important to them to meet me here at the blog every morning. They get a glimpse of me, of my heart, answers to questions they might be too shy to ask, something extra that helps them process this reunion thing too.
And here I thought the blog was all about me...
The real question is, when will they read the new post! Since they're not in the habit of checking every day... :)
Tuesday, 7 June 2011
Asking for something I want
Email to Kevin, from Haley; March 20, 2011
Hi Kevin,
(...)
If I'm honest, I checked my email about every 10 minutes last night until I finally fell asleep (and then again when I was up very early this morning...I'm turning into a real junkie!). I was very concerned about what you might say, but as always you're very kind and understanding; thank you.
I don't mind when you tell me about who I look like or sound like, I just don't know who you're talking about! I'm used to years and years of, wow you look so much like your mom or dad, and laughing it off because I'm adopted... I'll have to show you a picture of them sometime, we do look pretty similar, it's kind of funny :)
I love watching Dragon's Den. I never watch the news anymore. I read it all online. We try and go to a couple Eskimos games every year, but I'm not as interested in sports as I used to be. Nick loves watching cfl and hockey. I got him tix to the Oilers vs Flames next Sunday for his birthday. I can't believe he's turning 28. That means I'm not far behind...
Visits...I wish I had someone to tell me what to do! My heart's desire is to meet you in person, I would love to do that and I've been checking out WestJet flights since I found out where you live. We're going to Invermere at Easter and I thought you guys could come out and we could meet on neutral ground. I was excited when Amy told me you usually come to Edmonton once a year. I'm confused. You say it's up to me about timing...but I'd like to know what you want. I need some help on this one.
Nick would like to add something...
"You have been very gracious about how you've dealt with the whole situation and very sensitive to Haley's feelings. I appreciate that you've been willing to share about yourselves freely. Your thoughtfulness and way you've handled the emails, skype etc. has been beyond what I would have ever expected."
We're going to be home all afternoon today, if you're not busy, why don't you call me and we could try and talk about what to do next? And I want to hear about what you were thinking when you got my first message on facebook!
Blessings, Haley
-----
As awkward as Skype was, I still was craving contact with Kevin. I don't know why I wrote that I wanted him to call me, because I am terrible at asking for things that I need or want. Terrible! But I did, and as soon as I hit send, I became completely worried again. Too much too soon; How could I be so desperate; It's going to push him away. I wrote earlier about 'the irony of being needy' and here I am again.
The worst part of this email? Putting it out there that I hoped he would call, but not knowing if he would. I went downstairs and napped on the couch with a phone. How sad to admit that! I'm pretty sure it's things like this that make my husband think I'm a tad crazy...
Hi Kevin,
(...)
If I'm honest, I checked my email about every 10 minutes last night until I finally fell asleep (and then again when I was up very early this morning...I'm turning into a real junkie!). I was very concerned about what you might say, but as always you're very kind and understanding; thank you.
I don't mind when you tell me about who I look like or sound like, I just don't know who you're talking about! I'm used to years and years of, wow you look so much like your mom or dad, and laughing it off because I'm adopted... I'll have to show you a picture of them sometime, we do look pretty similar, it's kind of funny :)
I love watching Dragon's Den. I never watch the news anymore. I read it all online. We try and go to a couple Eskimos games every year, but I'm not as interested in sports as I used to be. Nick loves watching cfl and hockey. I got him tix to the Oilers vs Flames next Sunday for his birthday. I can't believe he's turning 28. That means I'm not far behind...
Visits...I wish I had someone to tell me what to do! My heart's desire is to meet you in person, I would love to do that and I've been checking out WestJet flights since I found out where you live. We're going to Invermere at Easter and I thought you guys could come out and we could meet on neutral ground. I was excited when Amy told me you usually come to Edmonton once a year. I'm confused. You say it's up to me about timing...but I'd like to know what you want. I need some help on this one.
Nick would like to add something...
"You have been very gracious about how you've dealt with the whole situation and very sensitive to Haley's feelings. I appreciate that you've been willing to share about yourselves freely. Your thoughtfulness and way you've handled the emails, skype etc. has been beyond what I would have ever expected."
We're going to be home all afternoon today, if you're not busy, why don't you call me and we could try and talk about what to do next? And I want to hear about what you were thinking when you got my first message on facebook!
Blessings, Haley
-----
As awkward as Skype was, I still was craving contact with Kevin. I don't know why I wrote that I wanted him to call me, because I am terrible at asking for things that I need or want. Terrible! But I did, and as soon as I hit send, I became completely worried again. Too much too soon; How could I be so desperate; It's going to push him away. I wrote earlier about 'the irony of being needy' and here I am again.
The worst part of this email? Putting it out there that I hoped he would call, but not knowing if he would. I went downstairs and napped on the couch with a phone. How sad to admit that! I'm pretty sure it's things like this that make my husband think I'm a tad crazy...
Saturday, 4 June 2011
The Skype Call, Part Two
I'm thrilled to tell you that Kevin has agreed (I'm told this was half 'happily' and half 'reluctantly' due to his private nature...) to write a guest post. Please enjoy the view from his glasses today.
Skype day was like most Saturdays at our house, a bit busy and a bit lazy. Everyone in the house was excited/nervous all day. We knew Haley would become and remain part of our lives, my wife and I had already agreed (how good is she?!). Skyping would be another step in the string of steps already taken. I set up in the kitchen. In retrospect, my wife told me she'd never seen me so nervous. I remember feeling anxious, very anxious...
I don't recall who called whom, but when we got on the call it was only Haley and I. Initially it was surreal, my first time on skype, seeing the daughter I knew I had but knew little about until just a few weeks previous.
I had prepared a small list of things to talk about because I'm not very talkative on the weekends as I talk all day at work. We'd traded photos previously, so I recognized her immediately. It's impossible not to notice mannerisms in Haley that I and my siblings share.
Woah! Not easy.
At times it feels like we're just staring at each other; even though we've found a nice pleasant rhythm in our writings back and forth, adding audio and video has added a whole new dimension that for sure I'm not prepared for.
I'm struggling to bring things up, and Haley is really quiet, it kind of feels like we're on a nervous blind date, time to call in the reinforcements! We pull Linda and Nick into the camera view and things start to settle down again, then after a few quiet pauses we bring in our kids.
After more small talk there are seven of us watching tv, not much to say but all amazed as we look through the glass. My list of questions gets used up, I try to make jokes to keep things light but it's hard for everyone (maybe because they weren't funny, though I find that hard to believe) we're all excited and nervous and mesmerized by the new family members. We lift up our 45 pound dog Danny and introduce him to Lucy, who likely weighs 6 pounds out of the bathtub, this was proof to me we were struggling a bit for content!
After we say goodbye, everyone in my kitchen lets out a huge sigh of relief, we did it! I imagine it was the same in Haley's house. We'd successfully met 'face to face' and not only survived, but set ourselves up for continuing to head down the path of getting to know each other.
That was an amazing day; with luck there will be many more to come.
-Kevin
Skype day was like most Saturdays at our house, a bit busy and a bit lazy. Everyone in the house was excited/nervous all day. We knew Haley would become and remain part of our lives, my wife and I had already agreed (how good is she?!). Skyping would be another step in the string of steps already taken. I set up in the kitchen. In retrospect, my wife told me she'd never seen me so nervous. I remember feeling anxious, very anxious...
I don't recall who called whom, but when we got on the call it was only Haley and I. Initially it was surreal, my first time on skype, seeing the daughter I knew I had but knew little about until just a few weeks previous.
I had prepared a small list of things to talk about because I'm not very talkative on the weekends as I talk all day at work. We'd traded photos previously, so I recognized her immediately. It's impossible not to notice mannerisms in Haley that I and my siblings share.
Woah! Not easy.
At times it feels like we're just staring at each other; even though we've found a nice pleasant rhythm in our writings back and forth, adding audio and video has added a whole new dimension that for sure I'm not prepared for.
I'm struggling to bring things up, and Haley is really quiet, it kind of feels like we're on a nervous blind date, time to call in the reinforcements! We pull Linda and Nick into the camera view and things start to settle down again, then after a few quiet pauses we bring in our kids.
After more small talk there are seven of us watching tv, not much to say but all amazed as we look through the glass. My list of questions gets used up, I try to make jokes to keep things light but it's hard for everyone (maybe because they weren't funny, though I find that hard to believe) we're all excited and nervous and mesmerized by the new family members. We lift up our 45 pound dog Danny and introduce him to Lucy, who likely weighs 6 pounds out of the bathtub, this was proof to me we were struggling a bit for content!
After we say goodbye, everyone in my kitchen lets out a huge sigh of relief, we did it! I imagine it was the same in Haley's house. We'd successfully met 'face to face' and not only survived, but set ourselves up for continuing to head down the path of getting to know each other.
That was an amazing day; with luck there will be many more to come.
-Kevin
Tuesday, 17 May 2011
Daniel, Part Two
Email to Daniel, from Haley; March 16, 2011
Hi Daniel!
No it's not every day you find a new family member is it?!? And I found 5! Have you told anyone else yet? Everyone I've shared with has been very excited for all of us.
You have my permission to grill my husband Nick a bit if you need some practice screening boyfriends, except for the part about being in the garage...that's just a bit too scary for me :)
I do love to read! I used to read 5 books a week when I was about your age, now I read less, but still love it. Thanks for the recommendations, I'll have to see if I can find some of them!
I loved reading about your interests, thanks for sharing! God is #1 on my list too. I'm so thankful we have that in common. It took me until I was about 16 to really accept Him into my life, so I'm extremely happy that you've already done that. Do you have any favourite Bible verses or stories?
I used to read a lot of fantasy/sci fi too, but I haven't lately. I read a lot of non-fiction Christian books and also books about adoption. My favourite fiction authors are John Grisham and Jodi Picoult; I also read a lot of CS Lewis when I was younger.
I love music too! I listen to all sorts of music, but I especially love worship music. Matt Maher is awesome! I actually got to meet him; he has come to a conference in Edmonton that Nick and I both volunteer at. It's called Break Forth, and it's an awesome Christian event. Maybe sometime you guys can come up for it.
I'm not really "sporty" either, although I did promise Nick that I would play softball this summer...so I guess I'll still have to practice playing catch with him :) Do you like to watch any sports? I heard you had a special visit to see the grey cup! How was that?
I like being outside too. I used to be in army cadets and we did a lot of orienteering things like camping and target practice, don't tell Nick... but between you and me, I can start a fire faster (and in the rain!). Do you get badges in scouts? What kinds of things do you do at scouts? Your Dad told me you were on a trip with them last weekend. Sounds like fun!
I have seen a picture of your dog! He looks like a great furry friend. Have you seen a picture of mine? Her name is Lucy and she's kind of a princess dog. She doesn't like to go outside when it's cold or wet, but she does love walks! How old is your dog? Lucy is 5 but still acts like a puppy sometimes.
Thanks for your email! I look forward to meeting you 'face to face' on skype soon!
Blessings,
Haley
-----
The day I received the email from Daniel was monumental. I literally expected to come to the end of my life (many years from now...) never having experienced what it's like to have a brother. Yes I have three great brothers-in-law, but it's not the same. Nick has a strong bond with his siblings. And no matter how close I've become with them, it's different. I know I'm an 'in-law' and while I'm warmly accepted into the family, I'm an addition. It's most clear when we take family photos; There's always the one photo where the 'in-laws' step aside to let the original family have their photo taken. I realize I am floundering at trying to explain this, let me just say that if you're not living this, you won't understand.
Hi Daniel!
No it's not every day you find a new family member is it?!? And I found 5! Have you told anyone else yet? Everyone I've shared with has been very excited for all of us.
You have my permission to grill my husband Nick a bit if you need some practice screening boyfriends, except for the part about being in the garage...that's just a bit too scary for me :)
I do love to read! I used to read 5 books a week when I was about your age, now I read less, but still love it. Thanks for the recommendations, I'll have to see if I can find some of them!
I loved reading about your interests, thanks for sharing! God is #1 on my list too. I'm so thankful we have that in common. It took me until I was about 16 to really accept Him into my life, so I'm extremely happy that you've already done that. Do you have any favourite Bible verses or stories?
I used to read a lot of fantasy/sci fi too, but I haven't lately. I read a lot of non-fiction Christian books and also books about adoption. My favourite fiction authors are John Grisham and Jodi Picoult; I also read a lot of CS Lewis when I was younger.
I love music too! I listen to all sorts of music, but I especially love worship music. Matt Maher is awesome! I actually got to meet him; he has come to a conference in Edmonton that Nick and I both volunteer at. It's called Break Forth, and it's an awesome Christian event. Maybe sometime you guys can come up for it.
I'm not really "sporty" either, although I did promise Nick that I would play softball this summer...so I guess I'll still have to practice playing catch with him :) Do you like to watch any sports? I heard you had a special visit to see the grey cup! How was that?
I like being outside too. I used to be in army cadets and we did a lot of orienteering things like camping and target practice, don't tell Nick... but between you and me, I can start a fire faster (and in the rain!). Do you get badges in scouts? What kinds of things do you do at scouts? Your Dad told me you were on a trip with them last weekend. Sounds like fun!
I have seen a picture of your dog! He looks like a great furry friend. Have you seen a picture of mine? Her name is Lucy and she's kind of a princess dog. She doesn't like to go outside when it's cold or wet, but she does love walks! How old is your dog? Lucy is 5 but still acts like a puppy sometimes.
Thanks for your email! I look forward to meeting you 'face to face' on skype soon!
Blessings,
Haley
-----
The day I received the email from Daniel was monumental. I literally expected to come to the end of my life (many years from now...) never having experienced what it's like to have a brother. Yes I have three great brothers-in-law, but it's not the same. Nick has a strong bond with his siblings. And no matter how close I've become with them, it's different. I know I'm an 'in-law' and while I'm warmly accepted into the family, I'm an addition. It's most clear when we take family photos; There's always the one photo where the 'in-laws' step aside to let the original family have their photo taken. I realize I am floundering at trying to explain this, let me just say that if you're not living this, you won't understand.
Tuesday, 10 May 2011
Second-Guessing
Email to Haley, from Kevin; March 14, 2011
Hi Haley,
13 minutes seems preety good to me, I can barely make it two blocks without a rest! I will take heart that can make it up to 13 minutes if I keep at it.
Linda and I lived in Manitoba for three years in the late 90s, we moved there for my work. We really liked it, except the winter weather, it makes Edmonton look like Vancouver! Both Daniel and Amy were born there, we bought our first house there, and we made some wonderful friends, the people were unbelievable! Really warm and welcoming.
(....)
I'm totally ok with how we've been e-mailing, we're getting to know each other.. :) Feel free to reply however you like, I do both, right away or wait, depending...
Oilers / Eskimos, automatic! As we've moved around a bit I've learned over the years to cheer for the home team, so today it would be the Canucks, unless they're playing the Oilers. Ditto for football. (...)
Our annual vacation tends to be the one I mentioned in Jasper with Linda's family. Kind of low key, but we all enjoy it as we spend the whole time together doing hiking, biking, fishing, lots and lots of fun. I've been fortunate to travel a bit with work and I'm learning to stay an extra day or two to see the local sights.
(...)
Have a great day Haley. Have fun!
Kevin
-----
Email to Kevin, from Haley; March 14, 2011
Today's my day off so I'm going to clean a bit, meet a friend for lunch and maybe cook some freezer meals. I love to cook. Nick likes to eat what I cook :) but he does take a turn in the kitchen every once and a while. He really loves to bbq even when it's -25. I think his cutoff is about -30.
I read through some of my adoption paperwork again, it says you knew Camille was pregnant, but did you ever know when I was born? I wondered if you knew I was a girl...
Maybe tomorrow I'll scan some of it and send it to you. I got the report in 2005. Alberta opened adoption records in the fall of 2004. After what happened with Camille, I didn't think I would ever look for you. But God stirred up a desire in my heart just in the last 6 months. I am in a Bible study group and we all had to share our "stories" with each other. Basically it's a life story where you try and look back and see what God's been up to in your life. While I was writing mine I noticed that empty space again so I decided to look for you. All I had was your name and I thought you probably had gone to school with Camille. So I tried Facebook. There's more than just one Kevin _________...but at the time your picture was you as a boy. I thought your smile looked a lot like mine when I was little. I knew in my heart, this is the one. So that's all I did. You're the only one I messaged and I didn't know what to write. High school seemed innocent enough...
(...)
Now all I can think about is when do we get to meet? If you have Skype sometime this week we could book a time (...)
Is it ok if I write something to your family to share with them?
Blessings,
Haley
-----
The emails are getting longer now, there's lots more 'life stuff'. It's so good. Yet so completely nerve-wracking! Every time I hit send, I think, should I have been less _______, more _______... should I have said ____________, instead of ____________. Ahh, second-guessing. You're a real cross to bear.
I wondered if it's because I'm a woman, an adoptee, or if it's just me. It's so validating reading some other reunion blogs, because they share the same feelings! Fear, fear, fear. Anxiety vs anger. Regret and shame. Brief flashes of joy.
The joyful moments seem to be the most fleeting. It's really unfair. I get butterflies when I see the email is from him. I open it, it's wonderful, full of new information and interest in me...then in comes the anxiety. What am I going to write back? Did I read that right? I hope he didn't think __________ when I said _________. Then I write the reply. Re-read it, rinse, repeat, and again. Hit send at a weak moment. Then I have to wait with the fear in the pit of my stomach. When will he write back? Will he write back? Or was that the last email. The last time I'll ever hear from him.
It's a shame the joy can't last longer. Maybe it can push some of this fear away next time it shows up.
Hi Haley,
13 minutes seems preety good to me, I can barely make it two blocks without a rest! I will take heart that can make it up to 13 minutes if I keep at it.
Linda and I lived in Manitoba for three years in the late 90s, we moved there for my work. We really liked it, except the winter weather, it makes Edmonton look like Vancouver! Both Daniel and Amy were born there, we bought our first house there, and we made some wonderful friends, the people were unbelievable! Really warm and welcoming.
(....)
I'm totally ok with how we've been e-mailing, we're getting to know each other.. :) Feel free to reply however you like, I do both, right away or wait, depending...
Oilers / Eskimos, automatic! As we've moved around a bit I've learned over the years to cheer for the home team, so today it would be the Canucks, unless they're playing the Oilers. Ditto for football. (...)
Our annual vacation tends to be the one I mentioned in Jasper with Linda's family. Kind of low key, but we all enjoy it as we spend the whole time together doing hiking, biking, fishing, lots and lots of fun. I've been fortunate to travel a bit with work and I'm learning to stay an extra day or two to see the local sights.
(...)
Have a great day Haley. Have fun!
Kevin
-----
Email to Kevin, from Haley; March 14, 2011
Today's my day off so I'm going to clean a bit, meet a friend for lunch and maybe cook some freezer meals. I love to cook. Nick likes to eat what I cook :) but he does take a turn in the kitchen every once and a while. He really loves to bbq even when it's -25. I think his cutoff is about -30.
I read through some of my adoption paperwork again, it says you knew Camille was pregnant, but did you ever know when I was born? I wondered if you knew I was a girl...
Maybe tomorrow I'll scan some of it and send it to you. I got the report in 2005. Alberta opened adoption records in the fall of 2004. After what happened with Camille, I didn't think I would ever look for you. But God stirred up a desire in my heart just in the last 6 months. I am in a Bible study group and we all had to share our "stories" with each other. Basically it's a life story where you try and look back and see what God's been up to in your life. While I was writing mine I noticed that empty space again so I decided to look for you. All I had was your name and I thought you probably had gone to school with Camille. So I tried Facebook. There's more than just one Kevin _________...but at the time your picture was you as a boy. I thought your smile looked a lot like mine when I was little. I knew in my heart, this is the one. So that's all I did. You're the only one I messaged and I didn't know what to write. High school seemed innocent enough...
(...)
Now all I can think about is when do we get to meet? If you have Skype sometime this week we could book a time (...)
Is it ok if I write something to your family to share with them?
Blessings,
Haley
-----
The emails are getting longer now, there's lots more 'life stuff'. It's so good. Yet so completely nerve-wracking! Every time I hit send, I think, should I have been less _______, more _______... should I have said ____________, instead of ____________. Ahh, second-guessing. You're a real cross to bear.
I wondered if it's because I'm a woman, an adoptee, or if it's just me. It's so validating reading some other reunion blogs, because they share the same feelings! Fear, fear, fear. Anxiety vs anger. Regret and shame. Brief flashes of joy.
The joyful moments seem to be the most fleeting. It's really unfair. I get butterflies when I see the email is from him. I open it, it's wonderful, full of new information and interest in me...then in comes the anxiety. What am I going to write back? Did I read that right? I hope he didn't think __________ when I said _________. Then I write the reply. Re-read it, rinse, repeat, and again. Hit send at a weak moment. Then I have to wait with the fear in the pit of my stomach. When will he write back? Will he write back? Or was that the last email. The last time I'll ever hear from him.
It's a shame the joy can't last longer. Maybe it can push some of this fear away next time it shows up.
Saturday, 7 May 2011
Finding the best camping spot
Email to Haley, from Kevin; March 12, 2011
Hi Haley,
Great to hear about your parents, they sound like terrific people, you're very lucky! Lucy sounds pretty lucky too; dogs are great and our kids really love Danny, but it may be Linda and I that spoil him the most.
I bet it's great to work four of five days, I'm all for a long weekend every weekend. Are you and Nick campers at all? If so, you would get the best spots at every campground every week! We do an annual camping trip to the rockies with my in-laws every year, it's really great because when I was younger our annual vacation was in Jasper so I really love that area. (...)
Have a great weekend Haley!
Kevin
We love camping! We try and go a few times a year, even if it's just for a weekend close by with friends.
I was finally able to connect with my parents last night. My Dad was very excited and wanted to hear all about you; my Mom was surprised but happy too. They encouraged me to pursue a relationship with all of you and they look forward to learning more about you too. I'm very relieved, as that was my last big anxiety-causing item in this whole situation.
Last night we had a bunch of friends over for a house concert. Have you heard of those before? Our friend Calvin is an excellent performer and he sang for the evening. It was awesome! We love hosting our family and friends. It's one of my favourite things to do.
So we are going to have a pretty quiet weekend now, that concert was our only big activity. Just lots of laundry and maybe going to the gym. Nick is training for a 10k and I'm training for a 5k. My first run!
Hope you all have a nice weekend too! I hear it's a lot warmer there...I think we're -17 at the moment.
Blessings,
Haley
Great to hear about your parents, they sound like terrific people, you're very lucky! Lucy sounds pretty lucky too; dogs are great and our kids really love Danny, but it may be Linda and I that spoil him the most.
I bet it's great to work four of five days, I'm all for a long weekend every weekend. Are you and Nick campers at all? If so, you would get the best spots at every campground every week! We do an annual camping trip to the rockies with my in-laws every year, it's really great because when I was younger our annual vacation was in Jasper so I really love that area. (...)
Have a great weekend Haley!
Kevin
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Email to Kevin, from Haley; March 12, 2011
I was finally able to connect with my parents last night. My Dad was very excited and wanted to hear all about you; my Mom was surprised but happy too. They encouraged me to pursue a relationship with all of you and they look forward to learning more about you too. I'm very relieved, as that was my last big anxiety-causing item in this whole situation.
Last night we had a bunch of friends over for a house concert. Have you heard of those before? Our friend Calvin is an excellent performer and he sang for the evening. It was awesome! We love hosting our family and friends. It's one of my favourite things to do.
So we are going to have a pretty quiet weekend now, that concert was our only big activity. Just lots of laundry and maybe going to the gym. Nick is training for a 10k and I'm training for a 5k. My first run!
Hope you all have a nice weekend too! I hear it's a lot warmer there...I think we're -17 at the moment.
Blessings,
Haley
-----
Telling my parents was such a relief. I'm so thankful it went as well as it did. At least last time I had told them in advance of my search, so it wasn't a huge surprise. This one was a bit out of nowhere. I'm really blessed to have them.
I'm also fortunate to have a great support system walking alongside me during this time. My husband has been very supportive, and mostly just listens to me talk and talk about it (seemingly endlessly...). He has the patience of a saint. The small group we're a part of has been praying for us as well, and I know that that has had a huge impact on safeguarding everyone involved.
I'm also fortunate to have a great support system walking alongside me during this time. My husband has been very supportive, and mostly just listens to me talk and talk about it (seemingly endlessly...). He has the patience of a saint. The small group we're a part of has been praying for us as well, and I know that that has had a huge impact on safeguarding everyone involved.
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