Asking for something I want

Email to Kevin, from Haley; March 20, 2011

Hi Kevin,

(...)

If I'm honest, I checked my email about every 10 minutes last night until I finally fell asleep (and then again when I was up very early this morning...I'm turning into a real junkie!). I was very concerned about what you might say, but as always you're very kind and understanding; thank you.

I don't mind when you tell me about who I look like or sound like, I just don't know who you're talking about! I'm used to years and years of, wow you look so much like your mom or dad, and laughing it off because I'm adopted... I'll have to show you a picture of them sometime, we do look pretty similar, it's kind of funny :)

I love watching Dragon's Den. I never watch the news anymore. I read it all online. We try and go to a couple Eskimos games every year, but I'm not as interested in sports as I used to be. Nick loves watching cfl and hockey. I got him tix to the Oilers vs Flames next Sunday for his birthday. I can't believe he's turning 28. That means I'm not far behind...

Visits...I wish I had someone to tell me what to do! My heart's desire is to meet you in person, I would love to do that and I've been checking out WestJet flights since I found out where you live. We're going to Invermere at Easter and I thought you guys could come out and we could meet on neutral ground. I was excited when Amy told me you usually come to Edmonton once a year. I'm confused. You say it's up to me about timing...but I'd like to know what you want. I need some help on this one.

Nick would like to add something...

"You have been very gracious about how you've dealt with the whole situation and very sensitive to Haley's feelings. I appreciate that you've been willing to share about yourselves freely. Your thoughtfulness and way you've handled the emails, skype etc. has been beyond what I would have ever expected."

We're going to be home all afternoon today, if you're not busy, why don't you call me and we could try and talk about what to do next? And I want to hear about what you were thinking when you got my first message on facebook!

Blessings, Haley
-----

As awkward as Skype was, I still was craving contact with Kevin. I don't know why I wrote that I wanted him to call me, because I am terrible at asking for things that I need or want. Terrible! But I did, and as soon as I hit send, I became completely worried again. Too much too soon; How could I be so desperate; It's going to push him away. I wrote earlier about 'the irony of being needy' and here I am again.

The worst part of this email? Putting it out there that I hoped he would call, but not knowing if he would. I went downstairs and napped on the couch with a phone. How sad to admit that! I'm pretty sure it's things like this that make my husband think I'm a tad crazy...

The Skype Call

March 19 through my Facebook statuses:

7:37am: Today is the big skype date! No wonder I couldn't sleep...I've been way too excited. I hope this mountain of laundry can distract me until 5:00!

4:02pm: 1 hour. I'm gonna throw up. It was easier when I was busy with cleaning. 

I chose very carefully what to wear, only to recall that our webcam has more of a neck-up view (ha! so much for vanity...). I put on makeup, to which my dear husband says, “makeup for skype? really?” Yes really. No I don’t wear full makeup every single day of my life, but on days that I especially feel like smoothing over any flaws...

I asked Nick to make sure skype was on, and then I sat in the other room feeling like I was going to throw up for about an hour. That’s what happens to me when I’m nervous; full on nauseous. Finally, after watching every second tick by on the clock there was only ten minutes left to wait. I sat at the desk and waited. New clock to stare at, unkindly though it didn’t provide me with a second hand. Each minute was monotonous. Kind of like how you’re thinking right now, so get to the call! What happens on the call? The anticipation burns, and there’s no relief until you eventually hear the ring.

Finally, at exactly 5:00pm, the appointed time, we met 'face to face' for the first time.

Looking forward to Skype

Email to Haley, from Kevin; March 18, 2011

Hi Haley,

It’s Friday and we're really looking forward to tomorrow afternoon's Skype call, as I said earlier it may be me, Linda and I, or it might be the whole band. Is that ok? I'm not sure how it will unfold, so if you have a preference please say and we'll do that. (...)

I haven't been counting days or weeks but I know it's been a very short time since we began conversing...feels longer for me, but I know it’s short. (...)

Have a great day, we'll see you tomorrow!

Kevin 
-----

Email to Kevin, from Haley; March 18, 2011

Good Morning! I have been trying to reply to all the emails that are overflowing my inbox! It's an interesting balance of wanting them to get a careful and timely reply and yet I have to run to work right away! Not literally though, my legs hurt like, well a lot. I had an early morning training session with a lot of lunges yesterday.

As for tomorrow, I am very excited! I would love to 'see' you all but how about just you and I start and then we can add people in to the call as we run out of things to say :) I do want to greet all your kids, as they have certainly expressed that desire in their emails. I need to frame those emails, you should read them all! They are amazing :) (...)

Thanks for the emails...and for including me in the family. Your children are so special. They're already dear to me after only a few typed words back and forth.

Blessings,
Haley

-----

Our time together has been short? It's been less than two weeks since the Facebook conversation of March 6/7. Wow. How fast can you build a sustainable relationship? 

One of my big regrets with Camille is that we actually met within days of our first emails. Let me correct that, it was the same day. I got the first email from her at 3:20pm; Nick and I went to visit her at 7:30pm. Too much too soon? Yes. Of course hindsight is 20-20. 

Is this too much too soon? It's like taking out a few stones from the dam every day, and then there's a trickle of water coming out...which leads to a breach and widespread flooding. It's too late to put back any stones now, so I think I'll just hope the flood is good for the land. 

Second-Guessing

Email to Haley, from Kevin; March 14, 2011


Hi Haley,

13 minutes seems preety good to me, I can barely make it two blocks without a rest! I will take heart that can make it up to 13 minutes if I keep at it.

Linda and I lived in Manitoba for three years in the late 90s, we moved there for my work. We really liked it, except the winter weather, it makes Edmonton look like Vancouver! Both Daniel and Amy were born there, we bought our first house there, and we made some wonderful friends, the people were unbelievable! Really warm and welcoming.

(....)

I'm totally ok with how we've been e-mailing, we're getting to know each other.. :) Feel free to reply however you like, I do both, right away or wait, depending...

Oilers / Eskimos, automatic! As we've moved around a bit I've learned over the years to cheer for the home team, so today it would be the Canucks, unless they're playing the Oilers. Ditto for football. (...)

Our annual vacation tends to be the one I mentioned in Jasper with Linda's family. Kind of low key, but we all enjoy it as we spend the whole time together doing hiking, biking, fishing, lots and lots of fun. I've been fortunate to travel a bit with work and I'm learning to stay an extra day or two to see the local sights.

(...)

Have a great day Haley. Have fun!

Kevin
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Email to Kevin, from Haley; March 14, 2011


Today's my day off so I'm going to clean a bit, meet a friend for lunch and maybe cook some freezer meals. I love to cook. Nick likes to eat what I cook :) but he does take a turn in the kitchen every once and a while. He really loves to bbq even when it's -25. I think his cutoff is about -30.

I read through some of my adoption paperwork again, it says you knew Camille was pregnant, but did you ever know when I was born? I wondered if you knew I was a girl...

Maybe tomorrow I'll scan some of it and send it to you. I got the report in 2005. Alberta opened adoption records in the fall of 2004. After what happened with Camille, I didn't think I would ever look for you. But God stirred up a desire in my heart just in the last 6 months. I am in a Bible study group and we all had to share our "stories" with each other. Basically it's a life story where you try and look back and see what God's been up to in your life. While I was writing mine I noticed that empty space again so I decided to look for you. All I had was your name and I thought you probably had gone to school with Camille. So I tried Facebook. There's more than just one Kevin _________...but at the time your picture was you as a boy. I thought your smile looked a lot like mine when I was little. I knew in my heart, this is the one. So that's all I did. You're the only one I messaged and I didn't know what to write. High school seemed innocent enough...

(...)

Now all I can think about is when do we get to meet? If you have Skype sometime this week we could book a time (...)

Is it ok if I write something to your family to share with them?

Blessings,
Haley
-----

The emails are getting longer now, there's lots more 'life stuff'. It's so good. Yet so completely nerve-wracking! Every time I hit send, I think, should I have been less _______, more _______... should I have said ____________, instead of ____________. Ahh, second-guessing. You're a real cross to bear.

I wondered if it's because I'm a woman, an adoptee, or if it's just me. It's so validating reading some other reunion blogs, because they share the same feelings! Fear, fear, fear. Anxiety vs anger. Regret and shame. Brief flashes of joy.

The joyful moments seem to be the most fleeting. It's really unfair. I get butterflies when I see the email is from him. I open it, it's wonderful, full of new information and interest in me...then in comes the anxiety. What am I going to write back? Did I read that right? I hope he didn't think __________ when I said _________.  Then I write the reply. Re-read it, rinse, repeat, and again. Hit send at a weak moment. Then I have to wait with the fear in the pit of my stomach. When will he write back? Will he write back? Or was that the last email. The last time I'll ever hear from him.

It's a shame the joy can't last longer. Maybe it can push some of this fear away next time it shows up.

The First Email

Message: to Kevin, from Haley: "I'm amazed too that FB could bring us together! My email address is ______________ maybe we could email back and forth a bit? I'd love to hear about you and your family."

When I contacted Camille, my biological mother, I wrote a letter to the 22 year old address that was listed in my adoption records. I gave my university dorm address (just a box number) as well as an email address in the hopes they would contact me. The first email I received from the Stewart family was from my biological grandfather. It was charming and heart-warming. I saved it to this day.

Here are two of my favourite lines:

"In the unhappy event that Camille decides not to meet you, I hope you'll keep that option open for us."
"I think I've stayed in the background about 22 years too long."

Whenever I feel the need to reminisce, I pull out my adoption folder and re-read some of the first emails I ever received from Camille and her father. My first email from Camille was warm and filled with the hope of a lasting relationship ("I have always wanted to know you"); my last email from her cut contact with me, seemingly permanently (You're not getting a quote from that one.).

Today I did a search of my email to find the first email from Kevin. Already there are over 50 emails from only two months of contact.

Here's the first one, sent moments after he received my Facebook message (above):

Hi Haley,

Sounds good. I use my work e-mail for pretty much everything…

Kevin

Talk about leaving the ball in my court! So I pondered what Kevin would most like to know about me, and I decided the first thing I would want from my long-lost daughter would be a picture. I sent a wedding photo and a graduation photo. Afterwards I wondered if they would be seen with joyful eyes, or would they be a sad reminder of the things that have been missed.

I love Facebook

Message, to Kevin from Haley “Oh that's good. I certainly don't want to cause any distress or discord in your relationship.” 

Ever the peacemaker, I am concerned solely about them at this point. I think it’s my way of pushing down the fear of rejection if I worry about them instead. I can’t bring myself to think about what may happen to me if this one goes south too. New father, new siblings, new mother-figure (what’s the right title for your bio-father’s wife? The first question that Google has failed to answer for me...), that’s 5 potential relationship losses. Would that be 5 times more painful than last time, or would it be exponentially more than that? Thank God that my brain has the sense not to dwell on these thoughts as Kevin’s reply breaks the spell.

Message, to Haley from Kevin “Thanks for that, I'm not too worried about that, who knows where it will lead? There will always be a few wrinkles, frankly I'm blown away we're having this conversation! I knew there was a reason I got Facebook!” 

Relief washes over me, it’s overwhelming. I still tear up reading that sentence, “I knew there was a reason I got Facebook.” I love Facebook. To think I’ve been flirting with Twitter. Twitter, we’re off.

Message, to Haley from Kevin “I appreciate the chat this morning, I'm about to head to work, perhaps you can consider where to go from here. I'm ok with whatever you'd prefer.” 

Where to go from here. Where is here? I am dumbstruck.

Lucy's Bad Teeth

I’m a bad dog-mother. I don’t brush my dog’s teeth like I’m supposed to; apparently ‘they say’ it should be done every day. Seriously, who does that? What convenient timing to have to drive my dog Lucy to the vet for a teeth cleaning while I’m waiting for an answer to “Does your wife know about me?” Now I’m thinking I should probably start brushing Lucy’s teeth every day. Especially so this doesn’t happen again at another crucial moment in a Facebook messaging flurry.

I have a new message, but I have to get Lucy in because I know if it’s not the answer I’m hoping for I may look teary-eyed like an extremely over-protective dog-parent who thinks her dog may keel over dead from having a teeth cleaning.

Lucy’s in. I quickly run back to the car, message is still waiting for me.

Message, to Haley from Kevin “Yes, she and I met in grade eight and were friends for many years prior to dating in our early twenties. I told her about your note to me a few days ago, and she is very positive, she has known since Camille and I were together.” 

Thank you Jesus! Would it have been a deal-breaker if she hadn’t known? I’m not sure. But it wouldn’t have been ideal, to say the least. I wonder what she’s like.

March 7

Message, to Haley from Kevin: “Your timing is right Haley, I think you found the right person.. Not sure where to go from here, perhaps you could let me know. Wow! Is right!” 

Where to go from here. I don’t know how to answer that. Where do you start after 27 years? 

Message, to Kevin from Haley: “I’m not really sure either! I’m married, live in Edmonton. No kids, just a dog.” 

What would you want to know about your long-lost daughter? I suppose that she’s somewhat normal and luckily (for the most part) I loosely fit in that category... 

Message, to Haley from Kevin: “I too am married, for 18 years, we have 3 kids, and a dog.. We live in BC, in the lower mainland.” 

What would you want to know about your long-lost father? That he’s a dog person. Phew. 

Wait, three kids? I have siblings! I’ve spent 27 years as an only child, this is a revolutionary thought to me. I finally get to be an older sister. Then, there’s the fear again, will I know how to be an older sister? Will I even get the opportunity? How could you ever own up to past indiscretions to your children? To your children...oh my gosh, what about his wife? Does she know?

Message, to Kevin from Haley “Three kids? That’s awesome! I don’t have any siblings. Does your wife know about me?” 

As I’m asking this question, I’m wondering if I really want to know the answer. If I’m still a secret after all these years...how could I ask anyone to spring that news on their spouse. “So honey, you know how I used to go out with Camille...well there’s this other thing I neglected to mention...” Awkward. Awkward squared.

January 16

Nearly 1 month later on January 16, 2011, I received my first response.

Message, to Haley from Kevin: "I went to Ainlay, graduated in 1983.."

I think I was in our family room when I received the notification on my phone. 27 years of life without my biological father. This is him. My first contact. My heart leapt. I replied back within seconds,

Message, to Kevin from Haley: "Do you have any idea why I may be asking about that?"

Ack! Why did I write that? I immediately felt foolish and added another message,

Message, to Kevin from Haley: "Maybe a better question is did you know a Camille Stewart?"

Ok, that was good. I was direct and there wasn't going to be a surprise as to where this was going. I waited for a response. Nothing. Half an hour went by, still nothing. Well, I thought, this guy is not on Facebook very often, it makes sense that he wouldn't hang around online to see if I replied back.

After about an hour of checking my phone to see if anything came in, I let it go. This is only by the grace of God, there's no doubt in my mind. I can be a very impatient person. I'm so conditioned to have instant responses from text messages or Facebook chats it's very difficult for me to wait for anything. Never mind wondering if Kevin had blocked me as soon as he had seen Camille's name. I don't recall having those thoughts cross my mind though. God wiped those fears from my mind, pushed the wondering away and let me go on without giving it a second thought.

Strange Question

Subject: Strange Question
Message, from Haley to Kevin: "Hi, my name is Haley and I was just wondering if you went to High School in Edmonton anytime between 1982 and 1984?"

Sent from me to Kevin on December 20, 2010.

I did it on a whim. It was kind of being stirred up in me as I had to write my life story as an assignment in a small group I'm a part of. That big hole became more noticeable again and I just thought, what's one little search going to hurt?

I logged in to Facebook. I typed in his name, and there were about 10 records. All with pictures, but one had the picture I was looking for. It was a younger child, and that smile was the same as mine. The teeth were identical to mine before I had braces. This is it, he had to be the one. But what could you possibly write to someone that would be innocuous enough? You don't want to scare them off immediately; don't want to stir up too much drama out of the gate. High School. That would place him year and city for me.

So I sent the message and then I waited. And waited some more, and then a month had almost passed and I had almost forgotten about that 'innocuous' message.