Second-Guessing

Email to Haley, from Kevin; March 14, 2011


Hi Haley,

13 minutes seems preety good to me, I can barely make it two blocks without a rest! I will take heart that can make it up to 13 minutes if I keep at it.

Linda and I lived in Manitoba for three years in the late 90s, we moved there for my work. We really liked it, except the winter weather, it makes Edmonton look like Vancouver! Both Daniel and Amy were born there, we bought our first house there, and we made some wonderful friends, the people were unbelievable! Really warm and welcoming.

(....)

I'm totally ok with how we've been e-mailing, we're getting to know each other.. :) Feel free to reply however you like, I do both, right away or wait, depending...

Oilers / Eskimos, automatic! As we've moved around a bit I've learned over the years to cheer for the home team, so today it would be the Canucks, unless they're playing the Oilers. Ditto for football. (...)

Our annual vacation tends to be the one I mentioned in Jasper with Linda's family. Kind of low key, but we all enjoy it as we spend the whole time together doing hiking, biking, fishing, lots and lots of fun. I've been fortunate to travel a bit with work and I'm learning to stay an extra day or two to see the local sights.

(...)

Have a great day Haley. Have fun!

Kevin
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Email to Kevin, from Haley; March 14, 2011


Today's my day off so I'm going to clean a bit, meet a friend for lunch and maybe cook some freezer meals. I love to cook. Nick likes to eat what I cook :) but he does take a turn in the kitchen every once and a while. He really loves to bbq even when it's -25. I think his cutoff is about -30.

I read through some of my adoption paperwork again, it says you knew Camille was pregnant, but did you ever know when I was born? I wondered if you knew I was a girl...

Maybe tomorrow I'll scan some of it and send it to you. I got the report in 2005. Alberta opened adoption records in the fall of 2004. After what happened with Camille, I didn't think I would ever look for you. But God stirred up a desire in my heart just in the last 6 months. I am in a Bible study group and we all had to share our "stories" with each other. Basically it's a life story where you try and look back and see what God's been up to in your life. While I was writing mine I noticed that empty space again so I decided to look for you. All I had was your name and I thought you probably had gone to school with Camille. So I tried Facebook. There's more than just one Kevin _________...but at the time your picture was you as a boy. I thought your smile looked a lot like mine when I was little. I knew in my heart, this is the one. So that's all I did. You're the only one I messaged and I didn't know what to write. High school seemed innocent enough...

(...)

Now all I can think about is when do we get to meet? If you have Skype sometime this week we could book a time (...)

Is it ok if I write something to your family to share with them?

Blessings,
Haley
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The emails are getting longer now, there's lots more 'life stuff'. It's so good. Yet so completely nerve-wracking! Every time I hit send, I think, should I have been less _______, more _______... should I have said ____________, instead of ____________. Ahh, second-guessing. You're a real cross to bear.

I wondered if it's because I'm a woman, an adoptee, or if it's just me. It's so validating reading some other reunion blogs, because they share the same feelings! Fear, fear, fear. Anxiety vs anger. Regret and shame. Brief flashes of joy.

The joyful moments seem to be the most fleeting. It's really unfair. I get butterflies when I see the email is from him. I open it, it's wonderful, full of new information and interest in me...then in comes the anxiety. What am I going to write back? Did I read that right? I hope he didn't think __________ when I said _________.  Then I write the reply. Re-read it, rinse, repeat, and again. Hit send at a weak moment. Then I have to wait with the fear in the pit of my stomach. When will he write back? Will he write back? Or was that the last email. The last time I'll ever hear from him.

It's a shame the joy can't last longer. Maybe it can push some of this fear away next time it shows up.

January 16

Nearly 1 month later on January 16, 2011, I received my first response.

Message, to Haley from Kevin: "I went to Ainlay, graduated in 1983.."

I think I was in our family room when I received the notification on my phone. 27 years of life without my biological father. This is him. My first contact. My heart leapt. I replied back within seconds,

Message, to Kevin from Haley: "Do you have any idea why I may be asking about that?"

Ack! Why did I write that? I immediately felt foolish and added another message,

Message, to Kevin from Haley: "Maybe a better question is did you know a Camille Stewart?"

Ok, that was good. I was direct and there wasn't going to be a surprise as to where this was going. I waited for a response. Nothing. Half an hour went by, still nothing. Well, I thought, this guy is not on Facebook very often, it makes sense that he wouldn't hang around online to see if I replied back.

After about an hour of checking my phone to see if anything came in, I let it go. This is only by the grace of God, there's no doubt in my mind. I can be a very impatient person. I'm so conditioned to have instant responses from text messages or Facebook chats it's very difficult for me to wait for anything. Never mind wondering if Kevin had blocked me as soon as he had seen Camille's name. I don't recall having those thoughts cross my mind though. God wiped those fears from my mind, pushed the wondering away and let me go on without giving it a second thought.